Tuesday 26 February 2013

the little things need to become the big things


As if in slow motion, today I watched as my little Alex flipped out of the stroller in his car seat, face down onto the pavement. The car seat did a complete somersault on the ground and settled on its side with Alex still hanging in there. I was out for a run with BDHQ’s baby bootcamp class and heading back to the gym when I turned a corner with the stroller and the car seat tipped out.  I knelt down on the ground in front of Alex, who is 13 weeks old, having visions of cracked skulls and heading to Emergency, but Alex just looked at me and blinked after his ordeal.  He is totally fine (but of course I hope someday his friends don’t ask, “Hey Alex, did your mom drop you when you were little?”).  Thank God.
I’m the kind of person who doesn’t really process things real time. It takes me a little while to think about what really happened and how I felt about it; I guess you could say I don’t usually live in the moment. My brain is in its own little world trying to think one step ahead, and sometimes that means missing what is happening in front of my face.  Today I didn’t really think about Alex’s near miss until much later in the day.  I continued on with bootcamp pretty calmly with my focus on just getting this workout over.  But when I got into the truck and drove home I started to think about what happened, which progressed into thoughts about how I was lucky my son was not in an ambulance right now, which progressed into more thoughts about how life is fragile, and therefore one must make the most of the little things because they can so quickly change. Nothing like having kids to remind you of how old we are getting, and that time passes ever so quickly the older we get. This is no epiphany; we all know and say stuff like, “life is short; make the most of it.” But are we actually living that way?

I thought about how it was just yesterday that I introduced Liam to the ocean, dipping his 5 month old toes into the frigid Pacific.  3 years later, he owns his first wetsuit and jumps into and cackles at the cold ocean waves.  Where did all that time in between go?  It was spent with me working fulltime, pushing him off to daycare in the mornings and rushing through the evenings with him so he could get to bed at a reasonable hour and leave me with some time to do more work.  With the exception of the first year of his life when I was on mat leave, Liam has spent and will spend the majority of his waking hours for the rest of his life with other people.  And in November when I return to work from mat leave, sweet little Alex will begin the same fate. How heartbreaking to think I am letting their lives pass me by.
In the evenings when Liam comes home from preschool I’m preoccupied with making dinner, doing laundry, starting the bedtime routine, etc. He often begs me, “Mom, watch me play! Watch this! Please Mom, look at me!”  And instead of seeing this as an invitation into his world I see it as a totally annoying request because I’m busy doing “important” things. He’ll say, “Mom, you not going to the gym or work today?” as his way of asking me to stay with him.  I know when he is a sullen teen I’ll give anything to hear these words. I’m busying myself with things that are so not important in the grand scheme of life, processing Liam and Alex’s little needs way after they happen. I have written so passionately about my weight loss goals and how important being healthy is to me.  Well, who gives a damn if I’m a size 2 but my kids are indifferent towards me. 
I’m not a negligent mom...it’s not below me to don a superhero helmet and pretend I’m Spiderman at Liam’s request, or sing silly songs cross-eyed to try and make Alex laugh. But it doesn’t happen enough in my opinion and that really needs to change. I’m not going to quit my job or stop my quest for being fit for life—but I do need to make it a goal to find some much-needed balance between all my personal goals and being their mom.
I don’t want to wistfully read this blog entry years from now. I want my little guys when they turn into big guys say, “My mom is awesome—she was there for me.”  This is not an area of my life where mediocrity will do!
Alex’s near face-plant this morning was a good wakeup call for me…not only to read up on stroller safety but to love my little mini men fiercely in the moment.
Momma love: going cross-eyed so Alex's little developing eyes don't feel left out and wearing Liam's wolf hat  out in public at his request
********************************************************************************

Oh, and some of you have asked me about where I’m at with my fitness goals.  Update, update: lost 3 pounds this week. I was not perfect with my eating but clearly I did something right.  Ate small meals throughout the day, ate 2 servings of carbs a day, cut out sugar (except in fruits). Cheated on the weekend but did so intentionally (i.e. I planned for it and didn’t black out and eat a bunch of garbage without realizing it).  Goal for this week: keep doing what I’m doing, and NEVER see that number on the scale again.

Tuesday 19 February 2013

No more f-ing around


There comes a breaking point for everyone where you just have to say to yourself, “That’s it. I’m done with f-ing around with my bad [eating, exercising, or whatever it is that’s making you unhappy and unhealthy] habits. This has to change right now."  I’m at that point today.  I had a really great 4 days of what I call total debauchery with eating and drinking in Tofino. Yes, I got out for a run twice, a really hard, dripping sweat run uphill by the ocean. But working out every day for an hour does nothing towards my weight loss goals if I eat crap. Crap meaning a lot of stuff with refined sugar (such as chocolate, marshmallows), carbs (pasta, potatoes), booze (love champagne, beer, anything that’s cold and carbonated and alcoholic!), and very few green or colorful veggies.  Sometimes I wonder, why do I even bother working out if I can’t get my eating in order.  Oh, and breastfeeding burning up to 500 calories a day is either a myth or it does a psychological number on my brain thinking that, “hey, I am burning calories just feeding my baby so I can eat this {cake, bag of popcorn, etc.} and I’ll just magically burn it off!”  Well for me it just doesn’t happen. 
So I enjoyed myself, made some not so great food choices and today the scale is NOT my friend.  I’m frustrated, annoyed, and motivated to eat better.  I need see that number go down pretty soon or I am going to give up…I know myself well enough to know this is what I do when I don’t see progress.  I’ve been back to working out for 6 weeks and it’s very depressing to have not lost 1 pound.  I have more muscle definition in my shoulders and arms, I can run 8K without dying, so there is some progress –all is totally not lost.  But nobody wants to work this hard and not see pounds come off.
Michele (BDHQ Director) suggested a couple weeks ago that I should just eat clean for 72 hours, because that’s how long it takes to start feeling more energetic and not wanting that feeling to go away…I know this from personal experience but it is just so hard to start again for some reason.  She said, “sometimes just to get started you need to make some rules for yourself and stick them on your fridge.”  So, it’s taken a couple weeks for that to absorb but as of today I am going to do this. 
My goal: clean eating for 72 hours.  Lean protein in every meal. 5-6 small meals a day. 3L of water. 2 servings of carbs a day, preferably upfront in the day and not late at night. No sugar (except in fruits). I’m not counting calories.  I may have a glass of wine, but it’s not going to be a free pour. This guideline is going on my fridge tonight.  I want you all to hold me to it, and don’t give me excuses for failure!  

Wednesday 13 February 2013

My hill to die on

Something happened to me in that last year of my MBA (in 2011). I think my identity as a mom took over everything else and I found myself getting complacent in taking care of my health. I think school does that to a lot of people...to be blunt, the stress of studying makes us fat! By the time I was done my MBA I hated every photo of myself. I remember being at Mexx trying to find something that fit me to wear to my final MBA dissertation and not even their size 14 dress fit.  I was so ashamed that I let myself get to this point and I am ashamed to even be typing these words and posting any sort of photographic evidence of me not looking my best. My first thoughts in putting this on paper are, “what are the people who were in my life years ago when I was thin going to think?” Oh well, time to put it all out there, as I've said was the goal of this blog. Not 15 minutes would pass in a day back then before I would think, “Oh my god, I am so fat, this is disgusting.”  I gave myself plenty of excuses; “I had a baby recently,” “I was busy working full time and doing my MBA,” “If I want to have any semblance of a social life and stay happily married I have no more time left in my day to work out,” “my parents didn't place importance on physical activity—it was always academic achievements that they cared about so I grew up being inactive and don’t like any team sports,” and the list goes on. What had I become? This was not me. Really, the only person I had to blame was me and my voices in my head that I gave way too much power to. I got myself to this place, and only I could get myself out.  I wasn't and continue to not be a victim of anything other than my own decisions and actions.

Below are photos of me in all my size 14 splendour in July, 2011 at my MBA graduation and then in Kauai a week later. I was what I was, but seriously, I look at this and think, "gross."


 


So, instead of fixating on my desire to be thin, which was totally lame because I would never know when I got to “thin,” and would therefore never enjoy success in the area of weight loss, I completely changed my mindset.  In August of 2011 after I graduated with my MBA I did something I had never done before in my life...I basically married my gym, Body Dynamics Headquarters (http://www.bdhq.ca/) in Victoria.  I went from doing nothing active to working out hard 6 days a week and eating clean (i.e. small meals every 3-4 hours totaling 5 cups of veggies, 2 servings of carbs, lean protein in every meal, and 3L of water).  It was not a diet or a temporary "go to the gym until I'm thin" strategy.  It was a "do this for the rest of your life starting now" strategy. It was surprisingly fun and it worked. In 2 months I looked like this:

and in 8 months I looked like this (that's Michele, founder/director of BDHQ I'm with):


So for half of 2011 and half of 2012 I conducted significant psychological analysis into myself and my esteem and my motives for wanting to be thin, and came out on the other end realizing 2 things:
1. My goal needs to shift from "being thin" to "being healthy and well." And, there is no end date to this one, ever. For me that’s scary because I really enjoy checking things off my life’s to-do list and knowing they are done.   (I have a bit of OCD around list making.)
2. The only way to be successful is through hard work. No one who is healthy gets that way relying on genetics, drugs, or their metabolism. Eating clean and working out is the only way to do this.  I can no longer look enviously at others and think, “they are so lucky. I wish I was that lucky.”  There’s no such thing as luck. I look at others who are in amazing shape and now think, "wow, how inspiring. I need to find out how they did it because I can learn from them and do it too." 

But...my weight loss story does not end here. Being healthy is definitely a journey, not a destination. A year ago I found out I was pregnant again and, of course, gained weight.  I would do it all over again in a heart beat because I have a beautiful 12 week old, Alex, to show for it.  But, man, it really sucks to have a midriff that leaves much to be desired (again).  I've decided not to sugar coat my photos because I want to be able to see true progress in the coming months. So here I am, as of this morning:
 

My measurements:
Bust 42"
Waist 39.5"
Hips 42.5"
Thigh 23.5"
Bicep (left 11", right 10.25")

My goals this year around being fit for life are:
  • Follow the clean eating principles that worked so well for me last year EVERY DAY. This is 90% of what weight loss for me is about.  I can sweat profusely at boot camp 6 days out of 7 and not lose a pound if I eat crap during the week.
  • Work out 5 or more times a week.
  • Wear a size 6 or 8. If I have to put a number on it, weigh between 140-150 pounds. That is at least 30 pounds to lose from today.
  • Lose inches, off my waist especially (at least 7)
  • Run a half marathon in 2 hours this June.
  •  Incorporate my kids into my fitness regimen—don’t think of working out as an isolated activity that must be done alone.
I've headed back to my beloved gym 5 weeks ago, but I'm not doing so great with eating clean. My head is just not in the right space, I guess you could say.  This is near and dear to my heart so I will be writing a lot more about how I'm doing in the future.

On another note, I will try to keep my posts a lot shorter from now on. Here I was, afraid I’d not have enough to say if I started a blog. Ha! Nick just told me, “A Chi without words is like an ocean without water.”  Touché.  Maybe I should make it a goal of mine to be more succinct.

Tuesday 12 February 2013

To be like Jessie

Today my grandma, Jessie, would have been 98. She passed away 4 months ago.  She was the only grandparent I grew up with, and since she only had one child, my mom, and 3 grandchildren, we were very close.  She spent 3-4 months each winter living with us in Vancouver, and we spent a summer month each year at her house in Rainy River, Ontario. Around the time she turned 92 we all noticed she was increasingly forgetful and there came a time when she forgot who I was a couple years ago.  I admit I forgot who she was too.  I avoided going to visit her in her care home because it was depressing and I hated seeing her that way. I preferred to remember her as the independent, articulate, and capable woman she always was until well into her 90’s.
My grandma was fairly healthy until about 3 days before she died—we think it was due to a stroke. But about 2 weeks before all of this, I started thinking about my grandpa a few times a day. (My grandpa passed away when I was 3, and I have only 2 memories of him making me wooden toys in his workshop.  I’m the only grandchild who remembers him, and I probably thought about him once a year before this).  A week later, my grandpa was in my thoughts almost every hour. I have never had anything like that happen to me before, and I don’t consider myself to be an extremely spiritual person. I laugh at shows about people who talk to spirits and I’m a huge skeptic of this kind of thing. But for some reason, I felt a very heavy presence over me that intensified to the point where one night I laid in bed unable to sleep because the air felt so thick with my grandpa’s presence. I actually said out loud, “Why are you here? Is Grandma not ok?” thinking I’d get some kind of definitive answer, which I did, one day later. My mom phoned to tell me, “I think Grandma is really not doing well. Something happened to her yesterday and this might be the end. I’m just preparing you for it so you’re not too shocked.”  I had goose bumps listening to her. All I could think was, "Oh my god. I am maybe not going crazy." The feeling got so heavy the next day that I was actually afraid to be in my own home.  When I closed my eyes at night all I could see was Grandpa smiling, holding out his hand. I was so convinced I was going to see something that would freak me out in the night I didn’t even get out of bed to pee.  Being 34 weeks pregnant at the time with all that baby pressure on my bladder typically meant having to pee multiple times in the night…but holding it for hours tells you how much I did NOT want to leave the "safety" of my blankets.  Later that night, I woke up in the dark and felt…lighter. (Not because I’d peed my bed ;)  There was no presence around me at all.  I was kind of disappointed, thinking, “Maybe I was imagining things this whole time, because if something really did happen to Grandma, Mom would have phoned me by now."  I went back to sleep and in the morning I saw I had missed a phone call from my parents telling me Grandma had passed in the night. I have not felt my grandpa’s presence since. So now I am convinced I am not crazy.  I really believe Grandpa was there with me and wanted me to know that my grandma would not be alone when she left this world. And now, since she died, I have felt my grandma with me almost every day, and it's comforting. I feel as though there is something for me to learn from all of this and that I shouldn’t just carry on as I always have. I'd love to know if this has happened to any of you when you lost someone close to you?
My grandpa, mom, and grandma at my parents' wedding reception 40 years ago

Gram at my wedding 6 1/2 years ago

Gram at my sister's wedding 2 1/2 years ago

So why did I share all of that on this blog? This blog is a collection of my personal goals and the intent is to be as honest and authentic as I can be in stating them and their progress.  So today’s post goes beyond a tribute to my grandma; I realize I can stand to learn a lot from her and this experience.
I’ve had and continue to have weight loss, career, relationship, and travel goals. All of my goals focus on improving physical and emotional aspects that will help me live my best life. But there is one area of my life that has not had any sort of goal in a long time—I guess you could call them spiritual goals. I kind of got shaken off my spiritual couch, if you will, with that whole experience with my grandpa and grandma. What I’m committing to today in honour of my grandma is to spend some of this year figuring out what my spiritual goals are. It’s too early to post anything because I don’t even know where to start. So today I’m declaring my intent to focus on this area of my life that’s been neglected for years and I will get back to you on it within a month’s time. (Please hold me to this, by the way.)

As for what I can learn from my grandma? She was solid. She was so cheerful and just so damn nice (like, so nice that you wanted to say, “what is wrong with you? Are you really this happy to see everyone and anyone all the time?” The answer was always yes! She really was that sweet). She never stopped learning (she got her degree when she was 54 years old). She was generous with her time and money to everyone, not just grandkids or favorite friends. And I think everyone who knew her will agree with me in saying she never complained, ever. Not once did I ever hear her say an unkind word about anyone.

In honor of Grandma, I’m making it my goal to truly see the best in everyone and anyone and not immediately go to judgment. That may take some time to do unconsciously for me.  I’ll create opportunities to say something positive and uplifting about others.  There’s enough negativity to go around in this world; we could all use some uplifting, right? I’ll let you know how this is going over time too.

Gram, I know you know what I wrote just now. I miss you and think about you every day. As you used to always sign off your letters and cards to me, "love is forever."
Jessie Martinson
February 12, 1915 to October 10, 2012

Saturday 9 February 2013

Putting it all out there


I have lived my life worrying a lot about what others think. I don’t open up and share my true thoughts with people very easily; I am private and guard my reputation fiercely.   I am not an introvert by any means—I will happily chat someone’s ear off about anything and everything if I don’t feel threatened.  But I am careful not to admit signs of weakness or things that will bring shame to me or my family. I grew up with my mom and dad being very concerned about their daughters’ reputations—we had to be the most well-behaved, the smartest, the most professional, the most put together. It was like a competition among their church friends’ kids and us…who could play the violin better? Who was the furthest ahead in Kumon math levels? Who didn’t have a boyfriend and instead focused on their studies?  (Can you tell I’m part Chinese? A lot of this I think was cultural.) Heaven forbid if one of the families from church gossiped about us…it was devastating. But I realize now that that’s because we let it be devasting. We gave those people power to shape how we felt and therefore how we acted.  That still lingers with me today and I think it’s been incredibly damaging to me achieving some pretty important life goals.  But I’m all grown up now, a big girl at 34 years old, and it’s high time I live without fear of judgement.  I’m growing mighty weary of this nagging voice in my head that says, “what will THEY think? What will THEY say?”  I've lived my life ensuring I save face and I come across as put together, strong, successful, happy, etc. I think it would be freeing to let all that bull go and just be able to say, “hey, world, I am being genuine and if you don’t like it, go somewhere else. Your opinions are not mine to bear.” So that is what I am doing…my first blog posts are me claiming my right to be me, to be unapologetic about who I am, and to drop that extra baggage I've been carrying around—the baggage of others’ opinions and influences that just hinder my ability to live powerfully and honestly.  If I can’t do this I don’t think there is a point in having a blog because it probably wouldn’t be genuinely me. And that does no one any good, especially me.
 So, now let’s just move forward with…me!

Why I started this blog


I am scared of starting a blog.  I'm scared of what publicly declaring my thoughts really means.  But I can't stop this nagging feeling that it's something I must do.  I think about it every day, made it a new year's resolution, added it to my bucket list, told friends I was thinking of doing it. I've done everything but start the damn blog.  But as a good friend, Bri, told me this morning, I need to just start it, and start it this afternoon.  

Here's why I am compelled to write and share: I’m on a lifelong journey to live my best life as a wife, mom, professional…and as ME. I don’t want to just get by in any of these areas of life…I want to be wildly successful, and success is defined by me.  I want to be loved and respected by all 3 of my boys, even when my husband and I get old and cranky, or my boys become sullen teens.  I want to feel like I am making a real difference in people’s lives through my work (career).  I want to be really fit and healthier in my 30’s than I was in my 20’s…and carry this throughout the rest of my life. In all of these things I am challenging myself to be genuine and become vulnerable by opening up myself—my victories and lessons learned—through this blog.  Time to strip away the excuses about why I may not be successful in weight loss, parenting, or my career, and lay it all out there with integrity and truth. Forget about sugar coating my progress; I’m going to challenge myself not to worry about what others who read these words think about me because it’s not about impressing anyone.  I’m not blogging for any reason other than to take up the challenge of being real to myself and the world and keeping it that way.  After all, if I can’t keep it real, I can’t achieve goals in all these areas of my life.