tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1082937392324303142024-03-12T17:17:38.017-07:00Keeping it ChiA collection of my personal goals and how I'm REALLY doing on them. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-40472542604426627352016-12-31T17:23:00.000-08:002016-12-31T17:23:14.170-08:00Top 10 Things I Learned in 2016
<br />
1. You will find what you are looking for.<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You will find drama, anger, revenge, misery, joy, hope, and
love if you seek it out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve learned
that people are amazingly intuitive; they sense what you are looking for when
you show up somewhere, and they deliver it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Last year for me—2015—was full of setbacks, anger, and
sadness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All I wanted was for it to go
away and to find some joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I even wrote
a “finding joy in 2015” blog post and followed my list of activities from that
closely. Then, I walked by a church almost exactly a year ago and the word on
the window said, “hope.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It resonated. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought to myself, “2015 was about finding
joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2016 needs to be filled with hope.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s
what I set about looking for this past year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am going into 2017 with so much hope for a good future, surrounded by
an amazing community of family and friends. </span></div>
2. Don’t let solid friendships slide for too long.<br />
I’ve learned that there is a point where you can’t expect the friendship
plant to keep blooming with zero maintenance and care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In 2015, there were days when I couldn’t eat,
sleep, and was a total blob of energy. When I needed my friends the most, they
showed up for me, literally banging on my door to make sure I was ok, and I
dropped in on them just needing company and support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a year of taking, for sure. And
carrying into this year, I banked on some friendships longer than I should
have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I didn’t take advantage of
these relationships but I certainly let things slide and chose to spend time on
other commitments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hmm! What happened to
my marriage started to happen to my friendships this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s not acceptable to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can be stubborn and justify where I spend
my energy and time, but slowly it will catch up to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sorry to everyone who has always been
patient and loyal to me; I want and need to give back to you as I would not be
where I am without you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next year will
be about continuing to go back to my friendship roots, and be “faithful” so to
speak to my dearest friends.<br />
<br /><br />
3. “The love of my life,” is a really misleading
phrase. That implies there can and should only be one.<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">For some, maybe this is the
truth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me, I learned I can love and
trust after my marriage ends. It is not a feeling of, “this will have to do.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course it is different, but I wouldn’t
want it to be the same experience all over again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve had some real hangups over what’s the
right thing to do going forward—what does marriage really mean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How soon do you give it a go again?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have the answers to that for myself
yet, but I do know that it’s a blessing to actually get a second chance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span><br />
4. Don’t be proud of being able to do it all
(alone).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being stubborn and refusing
help is not a sign of strength.<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Why did I refuse help to paint my
new house this year? Or an offer to grocery shop for me when I started to work
in Vancouver half the time? I can’t do it alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And yet I do really want people to wonder,
“how does she do it all?” and I’m not sure why I want that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m no different than everyone else, with 24
hours in a day to get it all done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
really fell apart this summer trying to do it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sat in my house one morning at 3am after
painting the whole thing over 2 nights by myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so determined to make this new house my
own that I lost myself in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time to
make realistic to-do lists, and let others step in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My name does not have to be on everything, I
don’t have to do Pinterest-worthy birthday parties for my kids, and I don’t
have to run 5 half marathons next year. Maybe I’d yell at my kids less if I
made time to just hang out with them. And I’d eat healthier food if I wasn’t
running around doing other stupid stuff that I committed to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s like we all know what we need to do to
achieve balance, but we can’t bring ourselves to do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only thing I can think of doing is
acknowledging it publicly here, and committing to making changes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hold me accountable on this one, please!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span><br />
5. Love your neighbour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Literally, the annoying people who live next
door. Or, at least, try to get along and you will go farther than battling it
out.<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ahhhh, my neighbours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had the most amazing neighbours when we
first moved to the island and I had no idea how bad it can be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Long story short, my neighbours have parked
their boat and allow all their family members to park communally in my driveway
which crosses over their property since the summer. After repeated attempts to
explain how that is not legal, and lots of going back and forth, I have decided
that I just need to let it go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s less
about the legal and more about the relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need them on my side especially if I am
gone half the time working in another city.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I realized if I just smile and pretend everything is fine, my neighbour
has no problem with me parking on his property.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>His renters even scurry out of their unit to move their vehicles if they
see me approaching.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is becoming kind
of hilarious. If I get into a yelling match with him he comes marching down to
my house trying to save face for his family and tenants and suddenly there are
vehicles and trucks and this boat blocking my way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see this whole situation as a metaphor for
a life lesson I need to learn: being right does not get me farther in
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span><br />
6. Be a parent and a friend to your kids—they need
both.<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve learned that not every
moment with my boys needs to be a learning moment for them. I don’t need to come
from a place of advice all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes
I am the adult who makes the decisions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
I did learn this year that laughing hysterically with my kids or recognizing
they need my attention, not discipline, goes far. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span><br />
7. There’s no such thing as achieving life balance.<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Why are we all trying to achieve
balance? As soon as we think we’ve got it, stuff changes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as I thought this year that I’d
finally let go of things I needed to and started up the important things,
everything changed again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were new
work projects, my car broke down, I injured myself and it took me off my
marathon training and exercise regime, my budget was off again because I needed
a new water heater, etc. etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And this
is totally normal! I find it disheartening to pursue something that was never
meant to be achieved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead of
focusing on achieving balance, which I think is not possible, I am going to be
more aware of all the demands on my time and my energy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And from there, make choices in the moment –
less locking in to planning and more flexibility. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span><br />
8. Look back just to see how far you’ve come.<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This quote resonated with me a
lot this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The feeling of making
progress is so motivational.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started a
journal about 18 months ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything
in my life now is different than what I described in those earliest
entries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I read it, not to rehash old
feelings, but just to recognize that I am changing fairly dramatically.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span><br />
9. Do things with intention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you don’t create it on purpose, something
else will be created in its place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
we might not like what that looks like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">(Thanks, B, for this quote.) My
coach’s words to me over 2 years ago are still with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have tried this year to think, “to what end
am I doing this?” in everything I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am
I working in a job that will get me closer to my career goals?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I parenting in a way that will help my
kids reach their goals and be successful?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Am I saving money for the things I want?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And if not, then what do I need to do to fix that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I made some big changes this past year – I moved
houses and I changed jobs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love the
part of the quote that reminds me that if I don’t fix these things, something
will happen regardless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I might as well
take control of my actions and make my life the way I want it, as much as that
is possible. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span><br />
10. You can go through life’s changes kicking or
screaming, or with grace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I loved these words (thank you,
Ara) when I read them earlier this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can resist or accept change, but either way, it’s happening. I would
like to make the inevitable as enjoyable of an experience as possible. </span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 2.25pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 2.25pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I wish each of you a fulfilling
2017, wherever that takes you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>xo</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 2.25pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-78943857266799060792016-05-09T18:54:00.001-07:002016-05-09T18:54:27.313-07:00Moving on
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I woke up this morning in a new room. My new bedroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my new house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“My house.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>These words sound so strange. For the first time in 15 years I have
downsized; my little family empire building days are over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And man, I have so many boxes of things…things
that built an empire that came to an end last year, things I sorted through by
myself, things that are first world problems to have too many of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So here I am, surrounded by too many things
in boxes, in a house that is just mine, and it feels liberating and hopeful and
sad all at the same time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel
liberated from a 5 bedroom house and a yard that simply wasn’t affordable on my
own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel hopeful that “my house” will
eventually become an extension of me and I will make it a home. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel sad that I seem to get the short end of
the stick sometimes, literally cleaning shit in my old house on Mothers Day
while my children frolic in a brand new pool their dad bought them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to dig myself out of those resentful
thoughts and just get on with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ah, so
many metaphors about moving houses--One of the last heavy doors has closed
behind me in this marriage. Tick “sell the family home and move out of it” off
the divorce checklist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is pretty
huge. Time to pick paint colours, envision a bathroom that is not puke green
with purple counters, cook something in my new kitchen, enjoy my beautiful (and
tiny) yard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is time to emotionally
move on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I walked around the empty house deliberately yesterday
before I closed the door forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
walked around the beautiful yard and said goodbye to the arbutus and cedar
trees that made it truly a west coast paradise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I blew a kiss at the house too—it seemed like I should salute it with a
bit of love on my way out. I could say something snarky about how there wasn’t
much love in that house but I’ll just skip over that part. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t trying to be melodramatic; just needing
to acknowledge there were a lot of emotions running deep yesterday and rather
than bury them, it should be dealt with in the moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As much as that house became a bit of a trap in the last
year, it was the perfect place for my door to always be open to friends, drink wine,
have many a good conversation, and to let the kids run free with their friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was where I learned how to renovate a home,
gutting the basement and what sweat equity really means.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s where I got to know a lot of
international students who financially enabled me and the boys to stay in the
house, and offer a bit of stability for them when everything else was changing
around them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s where I went through a
bit of a transformation and turned into a stronger more independent version of
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is with gratitude that I look
back at that house too—it’s not all bitterness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, hello new neighbourhood, hello many opportunities to
start again, hello new life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am going
to make this place awesome if it’s the only thing I do this month </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> And, the door is open—come
and visit!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-45945631693376550912016-03-21T23:15:00.000-07:002016-03-21T23:15:36.368-07:00open letter to the guy who's ghosting me<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m writing to you because it is worth my time to tell you
these words. If I didn’t care about you as a human being I would not bother and
I would walk away from you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything I
am about to say to you comes from a place of compassion. I am compassionate
towards you because you are human, humans make mistakes, humans regret things
sometimes, and at a very basic level, I cannot judge you because I am also
imperfect and human too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just ask that you read this and consider
what I have to say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to tell you
these things in person, but I respect your need for space.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So as much as I do not prefer writing a
letter, I feel as though you have given me no choice but to communicate like we
did in high school passing notes back and forth to each other. And to be
honest, the way this is going down feels very high school. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Here’s what I see: I have spent a lot of time, intense time,
with you in the last weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then on
Friday you were not responsive. It felt like you were avoiding me and going
cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not want to make assumptions
on why you need space (is it something I did? Is it you getting scared that
things moved too fast?).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I would like
to know, if you are willing to share that with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So here’s how your behaviour made me feel: I, like you, am
an emotional and sensitive soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel
things deeply and I will blame myself first if something doesn’t seem
right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel confused that you can be
so distant so suddenly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sad that
you did not empathize and see that I would be hurt if you walked away suddenly.
So while you were going about your life for the last 4 days, I was hurt
wondering why you did not take the time to communicate and give me clarity on
what you needed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought about the
story you told me of the girls you’d meet in your 20’s and you would lead them
on….and then have to apologize later for hurting them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My gut tells me this is a repeat pattern and
it was my turn to experience this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So while I have not felt very good at all the last 4 days, I
know that there is no way I can make you understand what this has done to me. The
only thing I can control is my actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
cannot control you, or your thoughts, or your behaviour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot even control my own thoughts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I can control what I do now, going
forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have decided that writing you
this letter is a good way to articulate our situation, and I have decided that
what I am going to say to you next is what I’d like you to hear.</span></div>
<br />
<ol style="direction: ltr; list-style-type: decimal;">
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 8pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Be authentic and vulnerable</div>
</li>
</ol>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I know it bothers you a lot to be called a fake. You have
told me you want to be real, open and honest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My experience over 3 weeks with you is that you are authentic until things
get awkward and hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then you retreat
and disappear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You become the opposite
of all the words you use to describe yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You found it very easy to tell me your life story and about all your
successes. You presented a compelling picture of
yourself. I just wanted to tell you I see past all of that success and work and
know that there are some insecurities underneath that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And how amazing would it be if you let those
shine too? Expose that shit! We are human, and we can’t be amazing all the
time. We all have our faults. You do not have to disappear when you don’t feel
amazing. In fact, you would be exponentially more amazing if you didn’t ghost
me when you weren’t feeling on top of your world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
1. Try to do it differently—so that you don’t
repeat your mistakes<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As a well known figure within
this community, you will undoubtedly garner respect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And as a physically attractive person you
could also probably have any girl you want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can use that to your advantage. Sure, I was intrigued by your
success, your work ethic, your rewards and recognition to date.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> I say this out of love for you as
a human being; if you abuse this you will just attract the same kind of girl
over and over—the one that wants to brag about being with you and maybe does
not love you for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you want someone
who can hold their own and match your work ethic, as you told me you wanted,
you will need to do things very differently going forward. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you go about your life the same way you
always have in the way you meet and date women, of course you will always have
the same results.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wasn’t it Albert
Einstein who said, “the definition of insanity is doing the same things over
and over again, and expecting different results”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, I think you told me that that has not
been a successful strategy so far in your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe let a girl outshine you sometimes and see how that feels to
support someone who is very successful in their own right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe let a girl take you for dinner? Or pay
her share of a vacation? Maybe let a girl give you real advice about how to do
business, or how to live a healthy life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
scary to give up control and power in a relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But perhaps this is the
action you need to try to see if you come up with a different result?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
2. It’s normal to have conflicting emotions<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I understand that you are going through a lot of heavy emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Speaking from experience, I know the raw
emotion – that sadness and anger of realizing your marriage is over and your
children may suffer from it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
devastating even if you both chose to end it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But it is possible to feel despair and happiness at the same time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is possible to feel that trauma of ending
a family unit and a relationship with your spouse, but at the same time feel
euphoric in a new relationship with another person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These feelings can coexist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It takes some time to process and talk
through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am here for you as a friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I know that from a relationship stand
point, I deserve someone who is interested in me and my feelings, not just
their own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am interested in someone
who is consistent, who has integrity, and is willing to take some major risks
for me, as I would be for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For everything
I had to experience and work through last year, this is not the reward I am
seeking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I worked way too hard last year
to call this “worth all of that.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My dear, you are an amazing person. I find so many compelling
things about you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am attracted to you
but I am also disappointed in you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
disappointed that you sell yourself hard for 3 weeks, and then you
disappear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am disappointed that you
say you want to be present, open and honest, but you are the opposite of
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want you to worry about
what I think of you though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> What matters is what you change in your life for the better. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was doing great before I met you, I did great while I knew you, and I will
do even better moving on from this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish
you the same greatness going forward now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am grateful for this experience of knowing you. Thank you for
an amazing 3 weeks. Thank you for showing me the successful parts of your
world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was an honour to see that part
of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And now, I can say thank you for
quickly turning and showing me your faults.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am grateful to see this part of you too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am sure our paths will cross again, and I hope they do. And
I hope when that does happen, we are truly joyful and living the lives we have
worked so hard to attain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-11228538748251304272016-02-28T22:24:00.001-08:002016-02-28T22:24:39.387-08:00choosing alone
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I remember as a child having dinner in some revolving
restaurant with my family and watching a woman having dinner solo at another
table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did not feel like this was
empowering…it was profoundly awkward and sad to watch her have an entire meal
in public by herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps she was
enlightened and was really enjoying her own company. Perhaps I picked up on her
sad energy. I will never know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it affected
me and that memory has burned a hole in my brain for almost 30 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To me,
enjoying your own silence at a table for one is a major test of whether you are
actually cool with yourself. Why do I need to be in someone else’s company
to validate me? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had a moment last week when I realized for the first time
ever, I want to be by myself more than I want to be with other people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to sit at the beach or go for a run by
myself. I even have elected to go for lunch by myself. The silence of my home
is not deafening anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As an extreme
extrovert, this is most strange. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
been desperately filling my life with noise this past year. It was manic; I
took no time off work because I knew I would go crazy hanging out in my own
mind, I fell asleep with earphones all night listening to songs on repeat, and I
talked and texted incessantly with anyone and everyone. It’s one thing to have
a few hours to myself or even a few days or weeks, knowing my partner and my
family will return to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is an
end date to that kind of aloneness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
when I know that being alone could go on indefinitely, I do not meet my
evenings and weekends with relief or anticipation whatsoever; it’s been more
like dread.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That noise I created was an escape, though. And escapes are
not sustainable. There was a day around Christmas that I told myself I was
going to choose to hang out with myself that evening and I was going to LIKE
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had not watched TV since I started
to live alone almost 4 months earlier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
night, I watched some random Jamie Oliver show about raising his own Christmas turkey
and then cooking it for dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It didn’t
matter what it was, the fact was I was just sitting by myself in my basement,
not doing anything “productive” like burning calories or cleaning my house, and
I was not freaking out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that
night I realized, “This is great. I am enjoying not doing anything and I am
totally alone. I could totally do this again.” </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So fast forward to February, and my favorite part of every day
is hanging out in my room, not saying a word. I go to bed and stare out the
window at a giant arbutus tree, admiring how it flails and dances in the wind
and heavy rain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wake up and the
feeling isn’t dread.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s kind of this
peaceful, “Oh hey, myself, good morning,” thought that first crosses my mind as
I stare at this beautiful tree across my yard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think about how I will miss this view in a few months when I need to
move out of this house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then I think
about the fact that I get to move and find my own place for the first time in
12 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not afraid of becoming a
crazy cat lady and being alone forever…and you have my word! I know some day I
will meet the right partner for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
for now, the only warm body I need is my own, and my kids are pretty warm and
fuzzy too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ad6-M873R78/VtPjCJVrBhI/AAAAAAAAAWc/zQoNz9TJH3E/s1600/view%2Bfrom%2Bmy%2Broom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ad6-M873R78/VtPjCJVrBhI/AAAAAAAAAWc/zQoNz9TJH3E/s400/view%2Bfrom%2Bmy%2Broom.jpg" width="223" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">arbutus tree view in the morning<br />
<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I might regress; I can’t promise it’s only onwards and
upwards from here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still squirm at the
thought of taking myself for dinner, but I sense a noticeable change in my
self-acceptance and comfort with silence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We are all stronger than we think. I believe we can all choose a life
where we love our own company. I am learning it takes hard work to get there,
not just passively hoping for the best.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-34696778577931055432016-01-27T01:08:00.000-08:002016-01-27T01:08:12.105-08:00365 days later
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today marks one year of separation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">1 year ago today…</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…I cried 15 times.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…I could not sleep all night. </span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…It physically hurt to eat.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…My biggest fear of being rejected by my husband was
realized.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…I felt trapped and out of control.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…My cell phone bill tripled.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><img height="238" src="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/5e/12/b7/5e12b768bf6aff68355c1bdc9057667c.jpg" width="320" /></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today….</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…I focused all day on the "hard stuff" at my job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…I did not cry.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…I am 3 dress sizes smaller.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…I listened and helped a friend through his own grief. (I can start to give back to everyone who put their lives on hold in the
last year to be there for me)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…I am better at French.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…I’ve made new best friends, including a “stand-in husband.”
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(She’s awesome)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…I realized I like my bed all to myself.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…I don’t answer to anyone; I do what I want. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…My son gave a thumbs up to describe me. (I used to get
sideways thumb)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…I’m really looking forward to tomorrow!</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-38995988344948677522016-01-23T14:49:00.001-08:002016-01-23T14:49:18.617-08:00
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Is this normal?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
I fly across Canada, I love watching the map on Air Canada’s little tv screens
the entire time I am on the plane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have no interest in watching movies or shows. I just want to watch the map that
shows all these remote communities across our vast nation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like the feeling of progress, watching the
distance we’ve travelled accumulating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
like looking out the window and figuring out what community is this whose tiny
lights I see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel especially
nostalgic when I fly over Rainy River, Ontario, where I spent every summer
until I was in my early 20’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I say a
silent hello to my grandma who is buried there, and think about the memories of
travelling to see her on the Grey Goose bus from Winnipeg.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’d pass through Steinbach and Piney
Manitoba, such random places that Air Canada chooses now to highlight on the
4500 km journey home I’m making. I think about what the hell has happened to me
since I lived this uncomplicated, simple life in Rainy River, catching
tadpoles, climbing hay bales, and lying for hours on the black rocks at Lake of
the Woods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="300" src="http://static.panoramio.com/photos/large/4297145.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rainy River</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So here I am, 9 days into 2016, watching the little map on
Air Canada’s tv screen, watching Quebec move farther and farther away, seeing
Rainy River, Ontario approaching.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2674
km to go and then I am home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think
about how many times I have flown across Canada this year…I can’t believe the
distance my own life has travelled in the past 11 months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think about what a roller coaster this life
is and this year has been.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being married
seems like such a foreign concept now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
start to think about whether I wish I was still married and if I had my old life
back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a resounding “no.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>True, I miss being exclusively loved by
another human being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss snuggling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss the ease of a second pair of hands to
help with the kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss having
someone to talk to every day about the mundane things—the basics of sharing a
life together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I see now that life
isn’t about being married.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or being with
someone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right now I think life done
well is about loving reality. Loving the every day stuff and the every day
people in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are the escapes and
wild rides to break things up, but I am not sure if this is what life is about
all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wondering what might have
been if I stayed married…but it doesn’t matter. It’s gone and not coming back. That
is my reality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to love that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There was one traumatic day last year when I realized just how
over my marriage was. Before this day, it was as if there were little cuts in
my heart and I was slowly bleeding, just slowly trying to figure out what was
going on in my life and what I was going to do about the fact that separation
was inevitable. But on this day it was as though a large bullet punctured my
heart and I bled so much I physically could not move and my breathing was more
like gasping. I have never felt so angry or devastated as I did that day. It’s
like I fell into a deep hole and I could not climb out of it by myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But I see now that being in this deep hole was exactly where
I was supposed to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When it hurts this
much and it’s this uncomfortable, you have to change right away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see now that I was not going to change
unless life was so painful I had to move. So, let’s just say I made some moves.
Within two months of falling into this “hole” I found myself feeling hope and
happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To come from such a place of
brokenness, these feelings were so euphoric.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was astounded at how quickly a person’s heart can stop bleeding and
begin to heal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the greatest self-validation
I’d given myself in about 10 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Look
at me; I am strong; I have power. And I am beautiful.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
the thing about any emotion, happy or sad, is that it’s fleeting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Neither can be sustained, because we are
always moving, our environment is always changing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There never is this ability to put a
checkmark in the “I’m happy now” box in life, and be done with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, the same goes for the “I’m really sad”
box.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So suddenly I was feeling happy,
and at the same time I became very fearful of losing this fleeting
feeling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so scared that I would
slip back into that dark place I had come from. I felt this need to chase the
things that created all these happy feelings in me, and keep something alive as
long as I could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been over a 6
month losing battle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see that now; I
have been trying to control the actions and feelings of other people, and I have
been trying to control my environment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
can only control my actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My choice
to pursue those things I can’t control has probably stalled my progress in
loving my life on my own…that every day life I so need to love. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So on the last day of 2015, I chose to head to Quebec and
Ontario on a week long trip to <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>spend some
time with my family out east. It was the best way to start 2016. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m getting pretty good at vacationing on my
own sans husband. That used to be such a fear…having no one to share happy
vacation times with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I actually
prefer the lone wolf traveller—who would have thought! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those of you who know me know why I went to
Quebec…I went to confirm that I am ready to start 2016 standing on my own two
feet, out of the dark hole feelings I had earlier in the year. I went to
confirm that I don’t need anyone or anything to help me be happy—I can choose
people to be in my life or I can opt out and feel joy either way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it worked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t tell you how freeing it is to realize
I’m going to be totally fine on my own because I’m never going back to the dark
hole I was in earlier this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had hours
on the long plane ride home to process what has happened and what I’m going to
do in this new year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realized that if
people who came into my life when I most needed to be saved from the dark hole
go away now, I am ok. I will not fall back into that place I so feared
returning to. I can stop chasing and trying to control the situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have done some hard work since the summer,
rebuilding my life. I had a massive opportunity to grow, and I am capable of
making things better. I have a long way to go before I can say I am totally
healed but there is no pressure to hurry this up. </span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img class="mainImage" height="424" src="http://www.geekworldtour.com/wp-content/gallery/canada-quebec-tadoussac/quebec-tadoussac-9.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="640" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">beautiful Quebec!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So what should I do now? I should stop thinking of myself as
this washed-up single mom sitting on her laptop on the west coast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life is going to pass so quickly, and I don’t
want to look back and wish it all went differently…or not know where it
went.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like Keanu Reeves’ quote I read
the other day – “none of us are going to get out of here alive.” So we might as
well make living about what we have and where we are right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">For the first time, I left Quebec and Ontario and I was not
in tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got off the plane, found my car at Victoria’s
airport, sat in it alone, and did not feel despair of any kind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It feels good to be home and I am ready to
start 2016, on my own, and far away from that dark hole.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">xo</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-26941354686339384562015-12-13T22:41:00.000-08:002015-12-13T22:41:01.406-08:00Top 10 things I learned in 2015<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">I want to declare 2015 the worst year of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the more I think about it, the more I
realize I don’t agree with that statement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>2015 was the best year of my life, actually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am standing here, in December, feeling
strong. Strong doesn’t mean happy or full of answers about the future. To me it
means having confidence to walk forward into 2016 and handle my business.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were days this year when I was not ok,
and truth be told, I thought it might be better to be dead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
needed days like that to feel so much pain that I had to change and move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And oh my God, how much I did move out of
complacency this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God knows I have many socially acceptable
reasons to play the sad victim of life card. I do not wish what happened to me
upon anyone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That said, I am
grateful for the life I got to live in 2015, and while it was nothing I could
have ever imagined, I am better for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s what I learned and can take into 2016
with me: </span></div>
<br />
<ol style="direction: ltr; list-style-type: decimal;">
</ol>
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1. Be present—right now is all you’ve got.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br /><br />
Slow it down and be mindful of what is
happening in this very moment. I got blindsided at the beginning of 2015 with a
marriage that blew up in a spectacular way. When I started asking, “Where have I
been—how did I not see this coming?” the answer I found was always that I was a
few steps ahead of the present.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Biggest
lesson and I’m still learning it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
<img height="320" src="http://s3.thisnext.com/media/largest_dimension/9446F846.jpg" width="320" /><br />
<ol style="direction: ltr; list-style-type: decimal;">
</ol>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
2. Love, like everything we do and feel, is a
choice.<br />
<br /><br />
It doesn’t happen to you or stop happening to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s no such thing as falling in love or
out of love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s a cop-out from
choice. We are always in control.<br />
<br />
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
3. Trust your intuition. </div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
It’s a human survival
mechanism, and we spend our lives trying to shut it down and look for rationalization
or hard evidence. Even if you can’t prove what you are feeling is the right
thing, you know a lot more than you think. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re
crazy.</div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<img height="240" src="http://timnovate.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/trust-your-gut.jpg?w=490&h=367" width="320" /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
4. No risk, no reward. </div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
Take your proverbial helmet
off and let love, a new career, or whatever your fear of failure is take a shot
at your head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me, the biggest risks
I took in 2015 made me feel so scared and liberated and euphoric at the same
time. It was all worth it, not because it was a wild ride, but because I
learned that I am stronger than I think. I can take the failure that some of
those risks brought, but also not everything failed dramatically.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are sweet rewards too. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
5. Work so hard on your physical strength. </div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
Be faster,
be stronger, and do this every day. It’s a forever thing; if you view it this
way you will do it this way. Life is intense; we need an avenue to burn off that intensity intensely!</div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<img height="252" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WxyqZs7-K6w/TgoqxU6-QII/AAAAAAAAArA/6oaDuKXU0d8/s1600/effort.jpg" width="500" /></div>
<ol style="direction: ltr; list-style-type: decimal;">
</ol>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
6. Love your current conditions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br /><br />
Body shape, job, marriage, relationship…always
there is someone else who wants what you’ve got really really bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I</span>t
surprises me to hear so many of my friends tell me, “you are living my dream
life right now” or, “I am living vicariously through you”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really? You envy me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I envy you! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess all I can do is learn to love what I’ve
got.<br />
<br />
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
7. You can’t love someone if you don’t love
yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
Like they say in the plane
safety briefing before every flight—you’ve got to put your own oxygen mask on
first before assisting others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to
take care of myself before I can be of any value in someone else’s life—and that’s
not being selfish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<img height="320" src="http://www.holisticwellnessnetwork.com/sites/default/files/Airplane-Oxygen-Masks.jpg" width="304" /></div>
<ol style="direction: ltr; list-style-type: decimal;">
</ol>
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8. No one and nothing should be your
“everything”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
YOU are your
everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s totally up to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone else can’t be your bandaid or your
drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s not fair to them or to
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I have to l</span>ove myself enough to say, “I am
enough.” <br />
<br />
<img height="320" src="https://studentaffairscollective.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/you-are-enough.jpg" width="320" /><br />
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
9. Getting better
takes discipline and hard work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Simply allowing time
to pass and hoping your grief or your crazy life will get better is not the wisest coping mechanism. Time
does make some things better—it numbs out the rawness of recent events.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But time in and of itself does not heal
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I turned the major corners out of grief this year when I chose</span> to reframe
my attitude. It is hard work because sometimes it's easier to have a pity party and get your energy out of playing the victim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
10. Where you are right now is perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
You might not feel that way in the moment but
it’s serving a purpose. Everything I have done and chosen has led me to
right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So it’s perfectly aligned with
what is about to come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> T</span>hat brings me back to my lesson learned number
1 – be present. I don't want to get ahead of myself if I am already in the perfect place!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
I hope some of this resonates with you. I'd love to hear about it! Wishing you a healthy, fulfilling 2016. </div>
<br /><br />
<br /><br />
<br /><br />
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</ol>
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</div>
</div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-19594575508286567312015-12-02T00:27:00.000-08:002015-12-02T00:27:06.666-08:00if today was my last day <span style="font-family: Calibri;">This has been a hard month--again. I feel physically ill when I hear holiday music playing and when I see Christmas decorations being put up. This is normally my favorite time of year, but for the first time in my life I want to hibernate through it. Why do I have to single mom it through this season? It's not fair! I am starting to understand what it feels like to be grieving the loss of something--or someone--through Christmas--and let me assure you, it blows. I am stressing about clearing mortgage payments over buying gifts, how I have no idea how to haul a tree back to my house or hang Christmas lights, and how I try to preserve the joy of this season for the sake of my kids despite how I am feeling. I've felt like a total wreck. I give myself little motivational "you can do this" type talks each day (silently, in my head!) before I walk into the office or into my kids' schools or anywhere that it's not socially acceptable to be melting down. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So...I was having another one of those moments last night and then I started to think about how this feeling really needs to stop. I kept thinking about how 2016 has to go much differently for me. I thought about how it can always be worse, and that my problems are largely of a first world nature. What if I was dead--then absolutely nothing here matters. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And then I thought about w</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">hat if this is my last day alive? Would I spend it in a total fog? What would I do
differently?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Here's what I would do if today was my last day: </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">1. I'd spend time with my children.<br />I'd busy myself drawing silly pictures, asking stupid requests of Siri on their iPad ("show me a picture of rhinoceros poop" is my oldest's favorite question for 'her'), reading fire truck books, and really listening to what they were saying. I've GOT to be more present when I'm with them; they are my treasure and a total joy. They are a sure thing in a world where nothing seems like a sure thing to me anymore.</span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tGwrmMi5TYM/Vl6qVZDm4WI/AAAAAAAAAWE/fmgMcxQEFVo/s1600/20151004-_M8A8759%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tGwrmMi5TYM/Vl6qVZDm4WI/AAAAAAAAAWE/fmgMcxQEFVo/s400/20151004-_M8A8759%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">2. I would tell a friend how I
really feel about him. <br />Time to practice open communication and not make assumptions. Life is too short to wonder about things that could be answered with one straightforward conversation.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">3. I would drink really good coffee. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I know, why didn't I think about good wine? I should clarify--I would probably do both!!<br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">4. I'd go for a run. <br />I would have NEVER dreamed of saying this 5 years ago. I'd run my favorite 10K route and try to pound it out in 50 minutes.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">5. I’d post something about the importance of how we need to spend our time loving, not hating or being indifferent... kind of like a quick and dirty leaving of a legacy. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">6. I’d wear something that made me feel skinny.<br />Yup, I'm that shallow! But I really don't want to waste energy on my last day not feeling beautiful. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">7. </span>I’d say thank you to my friends and family (and pretty much the universe)
for the most wonderful life, because to date it has been amazing to be alive.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And when I got to #7 last night, I realized my mood had actually changed. What a great exercise to put my brain through! I woke up this morning and decided I would try to do as many of these 7 things as I could. If you count this post as my way of accomplishing #5 and 7, I'd say 6 out of 7 ain't so bad. I truly feel better tonight, like I got the important things in life done today. I'd challenge any of you reading this to do the same--and please tell me how it goes for you!</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">good night, life is good xo</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img height="265" src="http://www.mensagens10.com.br/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/carpe-diem.jpg" width="400" /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tGwrmMi5TYM/Vl6qVZDm4WI/AAAAAAAAAWE/fmgMcxQEFVo/s1600/20151004-_M8A8759%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
</span>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-1558941167980289292015-10-31T00:02:00.000-07:002015-10-31T00:02:06.385-07:00Getting better, I think?
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Haven’t had the heart to write here for a long time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as I hit “publish” on my last post, I
was overwhelmed with a huge wave of sadness. It’s like as soon as I publicly
claimed I was doing really well, it cleared the feelings on top of the real
feelings. I became acutely aware of how “not okay” I really was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the next day, I was a complete mess and
the only phrase that was repeating itself in my head was, “I am not okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not okay!!” </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I decided not to blog for a while and just wear all of these
feelings for a while on my own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I bought
an old school paper journal that’s just for me, and wrote about stuff I will
just classify as really raw emotion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It sucks
to live in real time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why can’t I deal
with a bad thought only once--why does it keep repeating itself? Why am I so
restless--I can’t focus on anything? Why do I snap so fast with people—I have
zero patience and get triggered so fast? It occurred to me tonight that I have
not carved any pumpkins for Halloween with my kids this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was such a big deal to me as a kid and for
the last 5 years I have had my kids, but this year I honestly don’t have any
energy to celebrate. Not Halloween pumpkin carving is such a first world
problem, but I know behind this is something that has to do with grieving.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Don’t get me wrong, I do have some peaceful moments and days
where my brain actually stops racing and the sinking feeling in my heart stops.
I soak up these times and pay attention to what caused this. I can’t believe I used
to always feel okay! I was doing pretty well and that was a great foundation to
go to work from, to parent from, to do anything from.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, these moments are rarer, but perhaps the
hidden blessing is that I really do cherish happiness because I know how crappy
it is to feel sad day after day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Crossing
off so many things on my “Finding Joy in 2015” list I shared in my first blog
post this year makes me pretty happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Peru was a
life changing experience. Celebrating my dad's 70th birthday in Hawaii as the only "single parent" in the family reunion made me feel capable and strong. Coaching run clinic has been my reason for getting
out of bed on Sundays this year. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Putting
away all my wedding photos was surprisingly not difficult for me, but I totally
lost it (in a good way) when I saw the new family photos of me and the kids for
the first time and I probably stared at them for hours that day. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A couple weeks ago I travelled with a friend
and tried to leave everything that is my reality behind—and it worked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For one week I totally let go and shut my
fretful brain down. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It felt amazing and I
want that feeling again! It is scary to me that many of the things that make me
happy these days are travel-based, and require me leaving my reality which is
not sustainable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like I need to
generate my own sense of peace in the middle of real life, but I’m not sure how
to do that over and over—yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There is progress, I know it! One thought that has slowly
started to leave my brain is blame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
blame anyone or anything for how I feel. What happened, happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It is what it is,” and there is no going
back now. I know staying angry is just poisoning myself. I also know that I don’t
need to be in a relationship with anyone right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That would be kind of like putting myself on
drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I definitely am scared of the
prospect of not having anyone to share meaningful things in life with, but for
now I am pretty clear on how much I can handle. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, it hasn’t been the best year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it could be worse; I am above ground, and
for that I am grateful, and I need to keep marching ahead. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have realized that this is all part of the
process of grieving the loss of something major in a person’s life. Some days
are brilliant, some days are dark, and hopefully the good days happen more
frequently over time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And to all of you
who have been so encouraging and inspiring to me this year, thank you from the
bottom of my heart for caring—it really does get me out of bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">ps. Gwen Stefani just became my hero--heard her new song this week and cried heaps:</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeT_nYtjgTQ&feature=player_embedded">Used to Love You - Gwen Stefani</a></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-17451191871403980052015-08-21T23:55:00.003-07:002015-08-21T23:55:37.242-07:00<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh my god I feel alive!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That doesn’t mean everything is perfect—far from it,
actually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am learning that treating
everything like an adventure gives me so much energy. It’s like I’m back from
the dead, and it feels f-ing great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In the past three weeks I have had hundreds of moments where
I shake my head happily and think, “Wow, this is my life!” It helps that for
almost two of those weeks I was trekking through magical Peru.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><img alt="273.JPG" class="Yf-xl-Ig-ee" height="132" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-kBQwGPQjxbI/VdgUYlwojuI/AAAAAAAAAUE/HdqMTA0CI6Q/w140-h93-p/273.JPG" style="height: 93px; transform: rotate(0deg); width: 140px;" title="273.JPG" width="200" /><img alt="331.JPG" class="Yf-xl-Ig-ee" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Pd6bVVV_xJ4/VdgUUptSH0I/AAAAAAAAAT0/I2nuPmqVcG0/w107-h140-p/331.JPG" style="height: 140px; transform: rotate(0deg); width: 107px;" title="331.JPG" /><img alt="263.JPG" class="Yf-xl-Ig-ee" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/--TlrX3WQda4/VdgU5ld4nSI/AAAAAAAAAUM/574_6MRGU3k/w140-h93-p/263.JPG" style="height: 93px; transform: rotate(0deg); width: 140px;" title="263.JPG" /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Peru is now probably my favorite country that I have
visited. It is up there with maybe one or two other vacation experiences I have
had in my life. Hiking in the Andes was exactly what I needed to do right now
and I was ready for it; it was physically challenging, it was remote and felt
like I had departed from anything familiar in my life, the scenery was
stunning, the culture was amazing, and the people I met along the way also felt
really uplifting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I initially thought I
was setting out to cross seeing Machu Picchu off my bucket list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what was totally euphoric was reaching
the summit of the Lares Trail at over 4800m and feeling like I let a lot of
shit go once I reached the top.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
like the perfectly cheesy metaphor for my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Climb a mountain, experience hardship, reach the top, don’t look behind
you at the past, turn and face, and walk down towards a beautiful scene of the
future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that is exactly how it felt
to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was very very hard to walk
uphill in that altitude, and it felt amazing to get to the top and have a
moment to relish to myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I actually
said “goodbye” out loud to some things and some people in my life when I looked
down at the trail where I came from.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our
guide told us that when we reach the summit, we offer thanks to God (or the
Andean gods) and hold up three coca leaves, pointing them in each direction,
and then make a wish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think it’s
bad luck to tell you what I wished for so I’ll share it with you!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought in my head, “I want to experience love—real
love.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And as soon as that thought came
out of my head I disagreed with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Actually,”
I thought, “I want to be truly happy and joyful. Whatever that looks like, I
will not define it or put a name on it now.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And then I literally ran down the mountain for a while and into this
crazy, beautiful valley, and I knew I was a little bit different than when I
started out at the bottom of the other side of the mountain.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I think what was a little bit different was that I realized
that I was ready to move on and it’s not with fear. I had been doing a bit of
the “fake it til you make it” in telling people I was ok and that I was
strong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I knew I had made it after
being in Peru.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realized that my heart
is open now and it’s okay if I take the risk of getting hurt—I shouldn’t expect
it, but instead just go with something that intuitively feels right and just be
happy with what is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realized that
everywhere I go, I will have friendships and connections with everyone if I am
open.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t have to make sense to
me, it doesn’t need to be labelled, and where it’s headed doesn’t need to be
contained or controlled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the long
plane ride home I watched “The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” movie that
ended in this quote: “There’s no such thing as an ending. Just a place where
you leave the story. And it’s your story now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You have no idea now what you will become.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t try to control it. Let go. That’s where
the fun starts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s no present like
the time.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cried and watched this
quote twice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realized that being on
the journey is my goal…life happens along the way, not at the end of
things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the same when I run a half
marathon—the training is the best part and race day is just one day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Relationships are the same way—the process is
all you’ve got.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are a million end
points that are options for us as we set about life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps I’ve been a bit near-sighted in
trying carve out the path to one end point only in so many things I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So. No more of that!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I arrived home to
reality, I made the choice that I could either be in vacation withdrawal and
check out a little, or I could get busy making normal life an adventure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my last blog post, one of my plans for
this year was to default to saying “‘yes’ to invitations to do stuff.” I used
to politely decline most things—but this past week I have been richly rewarded
for going with "yes"…I watched a scary-to-me movie in the theatre (and screamed out loud at
what was probably not anything scary to anyone else—but for those of you who
know me I hate thrillers and horror movies so much and avoid them like the
plague), I got to meet and personally thank the woman who took care of my children
during a family emergency earlier this year, I learned how to tie stand up
paddle boards to my car and get them down to the ocean without killing myself
or destroying them as they flew off my vehicle, I ran 14K last Saturday because
I was invited to do it, I drank a lot of wine and bonded with some amazing
women from my run clinic—and got really helpful advice, I drank a lot of beer with an old colleague and laughed until
I cried, and I taught one of my best friends and a random jogger on the beach
to paddle surf. Six months ago, I would have said no to all these things and would
likely have been at home yelling at my kids or working overtime (or both). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Don't get me wrong...I still do these things and I have moments of overwhelming loneliness, but I'm ok with feeling those things too. It is what it is, and it's all part of the adventure!</span></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-40143795648967860482015-07-18T23:22:00.000-07:002015-07-18T23:22:01.538-07:00finding joy in 2015
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hello again, I have missed all of you!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m so excited to reopen this blog and invite
you on the journey I find myself on—it’s unexpected but it is all going to be
good, I just know it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve thought long
and hard about when would be a good time to start writing again, and I feel
that now is as good a time as any.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The very short version of events that have transpired in the
past year: I am now becoming a single mom of two little guys. I did not ask for
this status, but after intense sadness, anger, confusion, and all of the things
that come with a marriage that comes abruptly to an end, I feel like I’m coming
out of the dark cave and I am filled with hope that the future will indeed be
bright. I know it will be because it’s within my control to make it so. And, I
want and need and deserve that more than anything.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My biggest goal moving forward is to find joy and experience
it….a lot! Looking back over the past few years, there wasn’t a lot of joy
going on in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s like a little
cloud followed me around wherever I went and I couldn’t shake it. Something was
wrong and I couldn’t put my finger on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I thought it was maybe about needing a new job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I went and got myself a promotion, but
life didn’t feel any more joyful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
thought maybe it was time to buy a new house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So we went and bought ourselves a new home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But things got more stressful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought maybe I needed to work out more and
run more half marathons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So last year I
ran 4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there really was something
vacant in my eyes as I looked at everything that was supposedly good happening
in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know what it was?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart was asleep. I went through the
motions of life without any passion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then
I got the biggest wake up call of my life and now I know what I need to do: it’s
time to get busy living and doing those things that bring joy to my life.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Working with my coach (check out evergrowthcoaching.com…Bay
is awesome) I worked on a plan to figure out how to get some joy in my life,
and here are<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>just a few things I’ve done
and got planned for the rest of this year:</span></div>
<br />
<ul style="direction: ltr; list-style-type: disc;">
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Travel to Peru with my sister (coming up in 5
days!)</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Train for and run the Nike Women’s Half Marathon
in San Francisco in October</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Say “yes” to invitations to do stuff (coffee,
beer, running, concerts, etc.)</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Celebrate my dad’s 70<sup>th</sup> birthday in
Hawaii in August with my sons</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Own my own vehicle, and learn how to do basic
maintenance on it</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Make my house (wherever/whatever that is) my home</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Take family photos of me and my 2 sons</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Visit a gulf island I’ve never seen before</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Get my group fitness instructor certification by
the end of the year</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Take an art course</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Be accountable for my finances and spending</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Start my blog again</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 8pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Start coaching and training runners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pace someone in the Times Colonist 10K race
to a new personal best time (this happened in April and was so rewarding!)</div>
</li>
</ul>
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<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Call it my revised bucket list or just a list of everything
I really have been meaning to do in my life but just didn’t do it…until now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So…please join me on
this new journey. I’m going to work hard, work out hard, travel hard, love my
sons hard, and basically live hard! And then blog about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-44825794763602820022014-03-28T00:41:00.000-07:002014-03-28T00:41:11.194-07:00turning bad energy around<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve picked myself up and made a decision this week to start
my health journey…again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve gained 12
pounds since returning to work in November.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have abandoned clean eating habits. I have agreed to take on more than
I can reasonably handle in my job and let the stress manifest itself through
bad eating and skipping gym work outs. I wrote previously about being in a rut
and not knowing how to turn all the negative energy I had running through my
system around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are a few things I’ve
done this month to make that change:</span></div>
<ul style="direction: ltr; list-style-type: disc;">
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
In my new job, I find myself responsible for my
organization’s wellness program. What a great fit for me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We currently have our annual wellness event
going on right now and it has included a health clinic for employees where you
can sign up to have your blood pressure, cholesterol, and BMI measured.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never had my cholesterol levels
calculated and to my surprise my total cholesterol is high! Whaaaat? I thought
I ate pretty decently but maybe it’s time to look at changing my diet with the
goal of lowering my cholesterol—a new challenge!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, sadly my BMI is back in the “overweight”
range.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, whaaaaaaat?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s not ok with me. So I’m using this
experience to kick start better eating.</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
I attended a unique coaching course as part of
my professional development through my job where we learned how to use art and
sketching to coach clients. While this was meant to be a train the trainer
course, I used my own issues about not being successful in losing weight and
moving past that focus in my life. I was brutally honest about myself with my
fellow course participants, and they helped me articulate what the problems
really are, and what I need to do about it. I left that course having a lot
more clarity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Basically I realized I am
really hard on myself. I am goal driven to the point of being handicapped by my
goals—I get really focused and go all out. When I don’t make my goals I just
give up out of frustration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also put
words to why I feel so devastated about going back to work from maternity leave:
my current line of work is not in alignment with my personal values anymore. My
values have shifted since having kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
it’s important to me to align what I do for a living with what I value. So now
that I have pinpointed what’s at the root of my unhappiness these days, I need
to go about resolving that.</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
It was recommended to me after getting my high
cholesterol numbers that I should get a nutrition coach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m all about coaching!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s a free 12 week program that is
offered through my organization. I am signing up for this next week. I also set
up a meeting with another performance coach to talk about aligning my work with
my personal values. </div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
This month I also made a decision to cut back on
working in the evenings and weekends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lot
of it is unavoidable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am going to
push back when clients ask for deadlines that have me working until midnight
most nights. It’s not worth my health and weight loss goals. The briefing note
coming a day later will not bring down the sky.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 8pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
I’m sticking with my run clinic. I’m running my
4<sup>th</sup> half marathon at the end of May, and have trained my way through
a hip injury this winter. I can run 16K in just over 90 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting back into running after an injury has
been an important exercise in discipline. </div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m recommitting to making 2014 my year to hitting my goal
weight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is my primary goal this
year, and I’ve been pushing it aside until now.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-24356200236911614412014-03-28T00:03:00.001-07:002014-03-28T00:03:19.055-07:00how it really feels to finish mat leave and go back to work<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I wrote this post a month ago and chose not to share it with
anyone. But how I felt a month is important to acknowledge so I have decided to
share now. Things have changed for me since I wrote this and I will update very
soon!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I will be blunt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
not in a good place right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
not written a blog post for four months because I know it is going to force me
to articulate some uncomfortable thoughts I’ve had recently going on in my
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time to write no matter what
space I’m in. I remember the last words in my blog were something about being
excited about what lay ahead now that my year on mat leave was coming to an
end. Truth be told, I was not excited at all but thought, “maybe if I say it, I’ll
believe it.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had no idea how heartbreaking it would be to return to
work. For the first two weeks, I had tears streaming down my face as I entered my office building.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would be wiping them off
my face as the elevator opened to my floor,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> telling myself "get it the F*** together already!"--
</span>so mad that I was this upset about something that every other working
mom does. I am not a crier and I pride myself on being really strong. But this time, heading back to work felt wrong on many levels.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Suddenly there is almost no time for just me.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve gone from working out 6 days a week
to 3-4 times a week. My eating habits are BAD—not enough water, too much sugar
and carbs, way too much caffeine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I work
almost every evening (a few times until 3am) and weekends, just to be ready for
the next day. Truly this is not by choice—I took on a new job with high
expectations and it has sucked every free hour out of me for the last 2 months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get 6 hours of sleep a night if I’m lucky. I
am still getting over a sinus infection I picked up at Christmas—worst ‘cold’
in my life. I had to see a specialist about a hip injury caused from running
this fall, and was told not to run for 2 months, and when I could start again I
can only do it twice a week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Running
used to be my sanity regulator and with that stripped away it was the last
straw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s like everything fell apart
between November and now: my body, my good habits, my focus, my happiness. I am
on the verge of losing it every day—I cannot keep going on like this. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So here it is, March 1<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">st</span></sup>, and I find myself 10
pounds heavier than when I finished mat leave in November.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My clothes are tight…why did I work so hard
last year just to gain all this weight back? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the first time in 3 years I’ve thought
about not showing up to the gym because why bother, I’m destined to be fat for
the rest of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My brain knows all the things I need to do to
pull myself out of this rut: take one day at a time. Just show up to the gym.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick one thing for the week like drinking 3L
water a day and just focus on one small change. Make sure I have healthy food
in the fridge so I can make good choices. Blah blah blah. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just feel so defeated I don’t even know how I
can start doing these things again.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ok. There ends the doom and gloom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I may feel like the universe is hammering me
from all directions, but really, I'm very much contained within the
first world problems realm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do have one
super amazing piece of news that has happened since returning to work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Along with 2 other amazing women, I ‘won’ my
gym’s ambassador challenge for 2014, meaning BDHQ picked me and 2 other women
they believe in to be ambassadors for them and in exchange, I get free classes
and personal training at both their locations<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>all year long. here we are at 730am on a Saturday morning about to get our butts kicked at bootcamp...</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><img alt="" aria-busy="false" aria-describedby="fbPhotosSnowliftCaption" class="spotlight" src="https://scontent-b-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/r270/1544993_650348415006996_1208619914_n.jpg" style="height: 538px; width: 398px;" /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> I have no excuse—2014 is my year – the year I hit my goal
weight, get super fit, and connect to the awesome BDHQ community. I love love
love this challenge and I really am up for it. It’s time to face my biggest
fear, which is never successfully losing weight and reaching my health
goals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time to stop victimizing myself
and overthinking everything, and just get it done. </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-4539946798668484852013-10-30T15:38:00.001-07:002013-10-30T15:38:16.562-07:00in the last days of mat leave
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There is a little bit of sadness this week as I do things in
my year-long routine for the last time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is no regret, just sadness that this amazing year is coming to a
close.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I teared up today as I put Liam back into his car seat after
our last outing together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every
Wednesday for this past year, I have gathered up both kids and all their stuff
and taken them on an adventure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes
it’s to the soul sucking indoor playground, but most of the time it’s been some
sort of outdoor adventure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“That’s it,
Liam,” I said today as we got into the truck and drove away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had a little pout on his face and it broke
my heart a little bit to think that at the same time a week from now I will be
in some sort of office attire in a cubicle while he is in daycare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VxWuLlZc_OU/UnGEhJcM-fI/AAAAAAAAARM/k5VvKDSeH6I/s1600/002.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="252" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VxWuLlZc_OU/UnGEhJcM-fI/AAAAAAAAARM/k5VvKDSeH6I/s400/002.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">today was our last Wednesday adventure all together, out and about the town</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nbwLhoaAJhM/UnGE_Javk2I/AAAAAAAAARU/lOVTZprgIEI/s1600/003.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nbwLhoaAJhM/UnGE_Javk2I/AAAAAAAAARU/lOVTZprgIEI/s400/003.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">almost every Wednesday included my good friend and her kids. here we are last week on our last big group adventure</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">On Monday I ran for the last time with Alex in the stroller.
Every Monday for 9 months we have run the same route. When I started in January
I could only run for 4 minutes at a time and did about 6k.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now we do a little over 10k in under an
hour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As usual he napped and I listened
to the rhythm of my footsteps plodding along the galloping goose and practiced
just being in this beautiful moment. It was sunny and 15 degrees. People
paddling kayaks, walking dogs, all the industrial activity across the inlet
going full speed. Yes, this was just our morning jog but the fact that we did
it in rain, wind storms, 30 degree heat, without fail on Monday mornings made
it meaningful this last time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gkp6xsxoFrQ/UnGFPz5NUWI/AAAAAAAAARo/4AZ1MS95FnA/s1600/039.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gkp6xsxoFrQ/UnGFPz5NUWI/AAAAAAAAARo/4AZ1MS95FnA/s320/039.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Tuesday was my last class of BDHQ’s baby bootcamp.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What an odd feeling to know this is it. Of
course I will continue to work out and stay in touch with the friends I have
made there but the breaking of a comfortable, healthy habit is kind of
hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Zx4kWqYUgd8/UnGFPYZ3BSI/AAAAAAAAARk/O78Z7vrjVVM/s1600/042.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Zx4kWqYUgd8/UnGFPYZ3BSI/AAAAAAAAARk/O78Z7vrjVVM/s320/042.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">These last three days have defined what my mat leave
was all about – being really disciplined about doing something with the boys outside
every day, learning to take care of myself as much as I took care of a new
little life, bonding with my 3-year-old and meeting him on his active terms,
and always challenging myself to ensure the routine didn’t get mundane, whether
that was running faster or longer, finding a new adventure on which to take the
boys, or whatever made sense to get better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> I am thinking about why this year was so amazing, and in short, it’s because I worked hard to make it and perceive it that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think happiness happens to a person; you work on having an attitude that makes good thing happen in your life and deals effectively with the bad things that come your way. On my first maternity leave I returned to school to finish
my masters when Liam was 4 months old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
basically just survived—it was all about getting him down for a nap so I could
study or finish an assignment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
retrospect, it was not a healthy situation at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This time around I gave myself a major
attitude adjustment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like a
different person because of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I decided
this year that I want to live my life with integrity and give out the most
positive energy I can to others. I can get really wrapped up in achieving
goals, and come across as really serious, sometimes a bit too judgemental and
critical of others and myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started
thinking about how I could look for the best in everyone I met. How I could
leave them better off when we parted ways. I decided to live in the present
moment, not live for some future time (when I’d be thinner, happier, less
tired, etc.).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I chose to be thankful for
being tired, because it meant that I had children in the first place, and that I
was able to take care of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned
that when you intentionally set about your positive attitude, you acquire one. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Here is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to Alex shortly
after he was born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> It</span> sums up how I feel about bringing my boys into the world and
why it is so hard to tear yourself away from them a year later. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<em>"We found out through an ultrasound you were definitely a boy. I thought, 'Ok, I will be living with 3 boys for the rest of my life and I better get on board with being the only girl in the house from now on!' But the moment you were born and they handed you to me, I loved you so fiercely I could not imagine having just had any other child but you. I have my two beautiful and precious sons and your dad, and that’s all I need. You were perfect, and those were my first words after you were born. The moment your baby is born is what your dad and I call one of the 'heaviest' moments in a person’s life—heavy with emotions like joy, excitement, relief, fear, curiosity...<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Alex, I would do all of this all over again to have you. I really believe God picked you to belong to us and I wouldn’t want it any other way.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">My heart grew a bit bigger the day you were born. I can only imagine what we are going to go through together on life’s journey, and whatever it brings, and whenever you are reading this, please know that I have loved you since literally day one!"</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></em><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And so ends this chapter. But like all things it means a beginning of something else, and I am excited to see what next week brings.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-66180594127225870572013-10-25T19:40:00.000-07:002013-10-25T19:40:08.993-07:00losing 10 pounds the wrong way
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My stomach is eating itself right now. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each day for the past four days I’ve eaten
about 500 calories, drank 3 to 4L of water, and worked out in an attempt to
drop 5 pounds. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I entered my gym’s 10
pound challenge 8 weeks ago, and the final weigh in is tomorrow morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I don’t make it, I lose the $150 I used to
enter the challenge. If I weigh 10 pounds less than I did 8 weeks ago, I get my
money back plus the cash of anyone else who entered the challenge and didn’t
make it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As of right now I have 2 pounds
to cut…basically by dehydrating myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
know my intentions going into this were good—I wanted to lose 10 more pounds
before finishing my year of maternity leave, weighing less than I did before
getting pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It started out well;
halfway through these 8 weeks I was down 5 pounds, having lost the weight in a
healthy way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then came the week of the
half marathon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know what it is
about running long distances but anxiety plus the need to store energy for the
run means eating lots and lots of carbs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Then race day happened. Most of you reading this know that I ran my
little heart out—and made my goal of finishing 21K in less than 2 hours. 1
hour, 57 minutes and 5 seconds to be exact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I lost 4 pounds that day, just from sweating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, my body went into a weird mode of
gaining a bunch of weight, I guess because I needed to heal and it was storing
energy to do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So here we are today…I
am starving on purpose. It’s on my mind about every 5 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know this is crazy and I am being stupid. Here
are my lessons learned from this experience:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 36pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When I set a goal and commit to it, I do it at
all costs. This can be a good thing and a bad thing! Next time I set weight
loss goals they will NOT be tied to money.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 36pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Starving yourself is hard work and takes
discipline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some people might be proud
that they look good because of the discipline they employed in not eating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> But wouldn't you rather put in the hard work doing something healthy and fun? </span>From experience, I know it is WAY more fun to run a half marathon than under eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt 36pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I promise you, I will never do this again! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-59912728023072463952013-10-02T17:01:00.003-07:002013-10-02T17:01:39.124-07:0032 days left of mat leave
<br />
<div class="ecxmsonormal" style="background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 16.2pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">It’s been quite the
summer. For whatever reason I've fallen out of writing each week in my
blog. It's not because I don't have anything to say! Part of it is
because my iPhone camera got water damaged and I have been waiting for some
updated photos to put in my blog. But from now on no more excuses; writing is
healthy for me and I am back on it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="ecxmsonormal" style="background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 16.2pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Today marks the last
month I will be on maternity leave. I have been really struggling with
the upcoming adjustment in my head. I have loved this year raising my
boys. I enjoyed my first mat leave but the stress of having a baby the
first time around was so much greater and my eagerness to return to work and
socialize with adults was a lot greater. Perhaps it's because I know I am
not going to be on maternity leave ever again and that this chapter in my life
is closing. Perhaps it's a lot of things, but what I do know is I'm starting to
spin in circles in my head thinking about the 4 weeks I have left, and how to
make the most of them. I can feel a big crying session is brewing inside
me but it’s not ready to happen until I can articulate why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think part of it is knowing that for the
rest of my sons' lives, they will be spending the majority of their days, year
after year, with someone else. A daycare, a school, friends, etc.
This is the only year in their lives that I get to spend with them for
the majority of their waking hours and it's sad! Heartbreaking actually.
I will miss my Monday morning run with Alex in his stroller, which I have
done for 9 months along the same path without fail. I will miss my
Wednesday trips to the park or the beach with Liam and Alex to visit their
little friends and visit with my very good friend. I will really miss baby
bootcamp and the wonderful people who are part of that community. But it's a
choice we made that I need to return to work so I will "put on my big girl
pants" as they say, and deal with it. </span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p><div class="ecxmsonormal" style="background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 16.2pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">So, with about 32 days to go before I return to work, I am in reflective mode on what I've done for myself this past year as well. It's easy to start falling into a self-deprecating game. A little bit of being hard on yourself can be good motivation, but today I feel like being good to myself. I've done a lot if I think about it. I am proud of the fact that I will have completed two half marathons while on maternity leave. I ran a very hilly 20K last weekend in under 2 hours and didn’t even feel sore the next day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> This is the best quote I came across recently that describes how I feel about running:</span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bvCEe97Kk2o/Ukyzjs2tXvI/AAAAAAAAAQ8/bZC5z7O2gpw/s1600/oct+1+quote.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bvCEe97Kk2o/Ukyzjs2tXvI/AAAAAAAAAQ8/bZC5z7O2gpw/s320/oct+1+quote.png" width="248" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="ecxmsonormal" style="background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 16.2pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">And, I am proud that I shed all the pregnancy weight before returning to work. Today, I am comfortably back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, a size 8.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have to buy bigger back-to-work clothes. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>AND, I am really proud that I lost weight the healthy way and am much stronger (physically) for it. Perhaps the most important achievement has been acting on my words that my journey is never over. I am not stopping now just because I achieved some major health goals. I want to be in the best shape I've ever been when I turn 35, and in even better shape when I turn 36, etc. etc. Why should I accept anything less than excellence for my health, right? I just came across the picture below, taken at my heaviest, the week I walked into my gym, BDHQ, and started to change my life in 2011. I cannot believe that is me. That is humiliating and embarrassing and I've thought long and hard about whether I want to share these with anyone. But I also find it inspiring that this is soooooo not me today, and it never will be again! </span></div>
</o:p></span><div class="ecxmsonormal" style="background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 16.2pt;">
</div>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9wYNc8Fz--k/UkyxpDAqe1I/AAAAAAAAAQw/LpAQ7zT3Km4/s1600/oct+1+before+a.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9wYNc8Fz--k/UkyxpDAqe1I/AAAAAAAAAQw/LpAQ7zT3Km4/s400/oct+1+before+a.JPG" width="137" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">August 2011</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SSKbK6JtTl0/UkyxocDr6qI/AAAAAAAAAQo/8uaehZadzoU/s1600/oct+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SSKbK6JtTl0/UkyxocDr6qI/AAAAAAAAAQo/8uaehZadzoU/s400/oct+1.JPG" width="142" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">October 2013 (30 pounds less)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sK-sySLI7bc/Ukyxf3STNlI/AAAAAAAAAQg/VtNfVIwDEXs/s1600/oct+1+before.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a> </div>
<div class="ecxmsonormal" style="background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 16.2pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="ecxmsonormal" style="background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 16.2pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">p.s. As an exercise in
being open about my weight loss journey, I agreed to be the subject of my gym’s
blog today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I read what they posted
my mouth was dry, I was so nervous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I
think the right thing to do is tell you about it and let you decide if you want
to read about my goals <a href="http://yourbdhq.blogspot.ca/2013/10/setting-goals-raeleen-siu.html"><span style="color: #0563c1;">here</span></a>
for the rest of the year.</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-59138437299334346692013-08-12T10:46:00.003-07:002013-08-12T10:46:44.471-07:00success on vacation!
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">For the past 8 days I have been away from home visiting
family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never gone on vacation
and lost weight (or even maintained weight) because I feel as though I’ve
earned the right to let everything I do with rigid precision at home go. Well,
this time I am pleased to report a 3 pound weight loss, an hour or more of
workouts 6 out of the 8 days, and most importantly, some learning about myself
and what I am capable of doing if I set my mind to it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Just thinking “wouldn’t it be nice if I ate healthy food and
exercised every day while I'm away?” is not enough to actually get it done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told everyone I was visiting (my parents,
sister and cousin) what my intentions were and asked them for some support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked my sister to map me a running route
around her house in Toronto so I could keep up with my half marathon training,
where we are running 14K at this point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I thought ahead about the fact that I would be travelling yesterday when
our second 14K run was scheduled, so I decided to do it 2 days earlier in
Winnipeg. Big thanks to my cousin who drove me around the Assiniboine River and
showed me an 8K running path the night before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My brother-in-law was teaching a hot yoga class in Toronto last week and
I decided I’d try it out, plus run home afterwards (2.5 hours of exercise that
day!).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked my bootcamp instructor,
Trish, to help keep me accountable and she emailed me 3 different bootcamp
exercises I could do anywhere (hotel room, park, etc.). I must admit it was a
little awkward doing random plyometric exercises near a playground in Toronto
while curious parents and their kids stared at me and Alex, but really who
cares, I had to get it done. I basically woke up every morning, tied my hair in
a ponytail, got into my workout clothes, and told myself I would have to earn
my coffee, breakfast, and hot shower before any of that was going to
happen (thank you Michele Shorter for planting that seed in my head!).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also vowed I would not eat
after I had dinner, and it was pretty easy given I was in a hotel room with no
kitchen for most of the days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used the
time I had to run to clear my head, practice being in the moment and
appreciating little things like a perfectly placed/timed water fountain I came
across in Toronto while I was lost running through some random neighborhood
with no water bottle, and a beautiful little community garden along Churchill Drive
in Winnipeg and the smell of this combination of vegetables and flowers that
reminded me of my grandma’s garden in Rainy River.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I decided to play a little game with myself
and say “hi, good morning” to every single person I passed on my 14K runs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People in Winnipeg were all about it. Some
people in Toronto were not but I know it’s because they weren’t expecting it. I
felt great all day knowing I’d gotten my workouts out of the way in the morning
and it made me want to eat healthy so I wouldn’t ruin the progress I’d just
made.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned that if you do a bit of
pre-planning it is really easy to lose weight on vacation, or at least not lose
progress you’ve made at home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was so grateful for this opportunity to meet my new nephew,
Jesse, who is named after my grandma Jessie who passed away last fall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so grateful to be able to travel on to
Winnipeg for a family wedding and catch up with family who I’d last seen under
the sad circumstances of my grandma’s funeral. It was an important part of my
grieving process to come back and celebrate a happy occasion with these same
people. And through all of these joyful moments, it was nice not to feel gross
and guilty (from bad eating and no exercise).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LV6ZJdhMKFo/UgkdMzR9X1I/AAAAAAAAAP0/_ZNW7RAFtQk/s1600/195.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LV6ZJdhMKFo/UgkdMzR9X1I/AAAAAAAAAP0/_ZNW7RAFtQk/s400/195.JPG" width="298" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">my first 14K run - from Willowdale and Sheppard to Yonge and Eglinton and back. It included some rather long hills like this one, but no big deal thanks to run clinic hill training!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R7KtuuRC_dc/UgkeHIOtE_I/AAAAAAAAAQI/4kLGhmZZelk/s1600/002.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R7KtuuRC_dc/UgkeHIOtE_I/AAAAAAAAAQI/4kLGhmZZelk/s320/002.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
At my cousin's wedding--the dress fits!</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ALSd5B5p20s/UgkdL6d1ewI/AAAAAAAAAPs/3OWoKGuU9oc/s1600/196.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ALSd5B5p20s/UgkdL6d1ewI/AAAAAAAAAPs/3OWoKGuU9oc/s320/196.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> after the yoga class I attended that my brother in law taught. I realize my posture is totally wrong but if you can get past this and appreciate I was about to run 9K after an almost 90 min class, I'd be grateful!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UGA45OWkXy0/UgkdNRngmGI/AAAAAAAAAP8/1SuzaERue4E/s1600/203.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UGA45OWkXy0/UgkdNRngmGI/AAAAAAAAAP8/1SuzaERue4E/s320/203.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Glendora Park in Toronto--I would run to this park (30min) every day and then do another 30min of bootcamp </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-76776717140518421722013-08-02T10:48:00.000-07:002013-08-02T10:48:06.005-07:00this week’s goal: lose weight on vacation<div class="MsoNormal">
Vacations for me have always meant eating in excess,
indulging in every food that is not part of the Canada Food Guide’s 4 food
groups, and packing tons of workout clothes only to wear them once (or not at
all). Tomorrow I head across the country
to visit family for 8 days. I’ve worked
way too hard on both eating clean and exercising 6 days a week to let it all
go. I want to step on that scale when I return home and see brand new numbers I’ve
not seen for over a year. So to try to
set myself up for success, I have already asked my sister to find me a 14K
route in Toronto to run this weekend as part of my half marathon training. I also asked my bootcamp trainer to send me a
list of things I can do in a hotel gym every day and I committed to running the
hotel stairs on one of my days. I also
told my friend I would email her every day after my workouts and to expect news
from me daily about what I’ve done. I’ve
never done this much thinking ahead about how to stay in shape on vacation so
this will be a little experiment.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have to say, this week I have felt amazing. Finally, 3 weeks of working out 6 days a
week, drinking 3L of water a day and some serious carbohydrate cutting are
paying off. I’m down 4 pounds in 3 weeks
which is an indicator of things heading in the right direction, but what is
even better is feeling so much more energetic. Usually at bootcamp or run clinic when I hear,
“let’s run up the side of this mountain…for the 6<sup>th</sup> time!” I think, “Oh
God, I can’t, I’m about to pass out.” I don’t
know if any of you have run or worked out to the point of tears where all the
voices in your head that tell you you’re tired, you can’t do this, etc. come
out and you feel like you are losing this whole battle to be in great shape. It’s
happened to me twice this past month where I was surprised to find myself
crying at the same time I was gasping for air.
This week, oddly enough, I’ve been thinking, “Ok, I can do this, I am
totally going to kill it.” And I feel as though I have. Something is changing
in my head about what I’m capable of doing and I feel awesome. So interesting
how a person’s mindset, combined with good nutrition, being well hydrated and
in a pattern of regular exercise contributes to success. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://www.lifestylekick.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Mindset.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">new mindset!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-29831252688152148902013-07-24T23:49:00.000-07:002013-07-24T23:49:44.195-07:00updateWell, since I last wrote and committed to eating better
despite the excuses I have made for myself, I have lost two whole pounds.<br /><div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started writing down everything I ate and drank. I ate a
lot of vegetables—5 cups a day—and drank 3L of water every day in week one. We
even went camping 2 weekends ago and I pre-measured my oats and brought a
gigantic bag of vegetables to ensure I didn’t just eat hot dogs and drink beer.
This all proved to be successful in week one—I lost 2 pounds. I carried that 3
more days into week 2 of my new eating regime. Then I just went nuts for 4
days. I ate a hot dog one night because I didn’t make time to prep a healthy
dinner and I needed to throw something together quickly. The weekend came and
my in-laws came for a visit, which has always meant celebrating them being in
Victoria with a lot of high fat foods and drinking lots of sparkling wine. Foods I normally wouldn’t buy were in my
fridge and cupboards. I hate wasting and throwing out food so what do I do
after a weekend of bad eating? Drink an entire bottle of wine and eat chips and
salsa at 11pm Monday night because they were already opened. I didn’t even
enjoy my multiple cheat meals because I felt guilty the whole time, knowing I was
just taking steps further back from my goals.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why am I so undisciplined? WHY is this so damn hard for me? I
am so frustrated with myself. It’s not
that complicated: eat healthier, keep working out, stick to the plan. It is
easy to get into a place of self-loathing but I have been working hard to shush
those negative voices in my head. So, bitch fest and self pitying is now over…time
to be grateful and look at the positives:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I have lost, albeit very slowly, 24 pounds in
the past 8 months. Two pounds in two weeks is still two pounds. Bring out the
balloons and a party hat—I’m never going to see this number on the scale again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I am just 10 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy
weight and one dress size away from fitting most of my old clothes. Sooooo
close.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I have the active lifestyle part down. No one
has to tell me twice to get off my butt and outside to exercise. I actually
love it—something I never ever thought I’d say even just 2 years ago.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I’ve built a lot of core strength even after
having two kids. We had a little competition in a gym class this past weekend;
after an hour of bootcamp drills, we were challenged to hold a plank position
for 5 minutes. Only one other person and I did it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0rPV_uIh2VQ/UfDIW7SrfSI/AAAAAAAAAO8/xKpulNBwngY/s1600/032.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0rPV_uIh2VQ/UfDIW7SrfSI/AAAAAAAAAO8/xKpulNBwngY/s400/032.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think planking runs in the family! This is all my son wants to do all day.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I’ve got a super supportive spouse. I’m at home
with the kids this year—and I choose to run over laundry and dishes all the
time. He actually said to me last week, “I
understand if things aren’t done around the house because you are out running
or exercising—that’s important.” He takes care of both kids on the days I have
run clinic sessions, cleans up after the kids every day and puts our oldest to
bed. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Really? My biggest suffering is not being able
to drop weight fast enough? Total first world problem. I’m so thankful this is
the kind of thing I have time to fret about.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I have a lot of people rooting for me in this journey.
People care and have been so supportive.
I’ve learned in blogging that if you put it all out there, you are
blessed with people sharing their own very personal struggles and encouraging
you to be successful. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yup, I can do this. I’m committing to all y’all that I am
not giving up, not giving in to my frustration, and that next week there will
be some more victories to post about.<o:p></o:p></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IvYnFYiShnQ/UfDIYPAc9oI/AAAAAAAAAPA/a2oiD9iSkpw/s1600/077.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IvYnFYiShnQ/UfDIYPAc9oI/AAAAAAAAAPA/a2oiD9iSkpw/s200/077.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I was so successful in week one of reformed eating because i ate A LOT of veggies. Here's 1 day's worth of vegetables and lean protein</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_F5Mvx1PB5w/UfDIYaB9mEI/AAAAAAAAAPE/BunShjmFcHc/s1600/078.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_F5Mvx1PB5w/UfDIYaB9mEI/AAAAAAAAAPE/BunShjmFcHc/s200/078.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Xq0yMYt9ypw/UfDIZbC4-aI/AAAAAAAAAPQ/fWEEgF27ZH4/s1600/080.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Xq0yMYt9ypw/UfDIZbC4-aI/AAAAAAAAAPQ/fWEEgF27ZH4/s200/080.JPG" width="149" /></a><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DlEvJx17xuw/UfDIacASHgI/AAAAAAAAAPY/mGOd5x9HvsU/s1600/081.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="170" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DlEvJx17xuw/UfDIacASHgI/AAAAAAAAAPY/mGOd5x9HvsU/s200/081.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-88507179757243707822013-07-09T00:05:00.003-07:002013-07-09T00:05:56.679-07:00food is 90% of the battle<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today an old friend from high school reminded me, “working
out is 5%, diet is 90% and rest is the other 5%” when it comes to healthy
living. Awesome. I’ve got 5% of it down. The healthy eating thing continues to plague
me and I’m back to being so frustrated with myself. Weighing myself weekly has
become a joke. I hate the scale. It
reads the same number back at me every week these days. I’m not surprised by that—I know what I’ve
put into my body throughout the week. At run clinic sessions I feel so heavy
and burdened…I liken it to carrying a blue kettlebell (35 lbs) of excess weight
with me all the time. I know my lower back pain flares up because I’m arching
my back, overcompensating for the weight that’s sitting in the front. My whole body is screaming at me to stop the
madness and get lean. It’s not that I don’t
know what to do to lose this stupid bundt cake attached to the front of my
torso. It comes down to beating the
voices in my head that say, “you can’t do it.” At the root of my inability to
become a healthy weight is me buying in to a bunch of excuses:<o:p></o:p></div>
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“you’ve never had defined abs so what makes you think you could
have them now in your 30’s”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“you just had a baby. Your skin is stretched, you’re
retaining water, you’re of course going to look dumpy because of what your body
went through last year”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“you inherited the body shape of an apple on stilts so you
are genetically predisposed to looking this way…forever”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“running long distance doesn’t result in weight loss. Once you
run 14K and over your body holds on to every calorie you consume so it has
energy to make it through the next long run. As long as you keep running half
marathons you are not going to lose weight”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“you don’t have time to meal prep”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“it’s not worth choking down protein shakes and kale. Food
should be enjoyed—live to eat, not eat to live”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“you don’t have the willpower—you’re not mentally strong
enough to stick to it”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“35 pounds is a scary number—it’s a lot of weight which
means it will take a really long time. It’s too overwhelming”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I don’t look THAT bad right now. I can get away with how I look
right now and embrace my mediocrity”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“you’ve been trying to lose this weight for 2 years. You haven’t
done it yet. What makes you think you’re going to do it ever”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I don’t think those voices of doubt will ever go away. But
what I need to do is create a response to every one of those fears and excuses.
“F*@# you” is a start but I can be a bit more uplifting to myself than that. Here’s
what I’m going to do starting right now:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]-->-<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Write down everything I eat. I bought a journal
to do this 3 weeks ago and haven’t had the nerve to start yet. Trish (bootcamp
instructor) is going to review it once a week<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]-->-<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Text everything I eat to my friend Sarah who
will review it once a day (thanks SK!!) This way on a daily and weekly basis I’ve
got to think about my food choices and people will hold me accountable<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 20.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->-<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Go back to drinking lots of water. I’ve been substituting coffee in there a lot
these days. 3L minimum a day!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]-->-<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Make black and white rules for myself so there
is no room for bad decisions made at moments of weakness (like camping, take
out food, etc.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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</span><!--[endif]-->Focus only on a small interim goal for now. I’m
headed to Winnipeg for a wedding on August 9.
One month, and the goal is 8 pounds.
Aggressive, yes! That is what I
need or else I make many excuses for myself and cheat<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another old friend from my days in Edmonton also gave me a
great mantra recently: “you WILL eat again.”
So true; there is never a need to hammer back food like the apocalypse
is here. And one last quote that I have
been thinking about every day: “if you want to look different, you have to do
something different.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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So, who is going to join me on the quest to conquer 90% of
the battle? <o:p></o:p></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-23909648359442164482013-06-24T22:48:00.001-07:002013-06-24T22:48:22.060-07:00today is the first day of the rest of my life<div class="MsoNormal">
I haven’t written for a long time and I apologize for not
keeping up with my weekly blog posts. I wanted to write when I had something
positive to say. For the last 4 months I’ve
had a strange rash develop and finally I decided to Google my symptoms because
it was spreading and changing my skin.
Surprise! It instilled some serious panic because it looked like cancer.
Seriously, it most closely aligned to the symptoms and photos of this form of
cancer that I found online and believe me, I spent hours looking at everything.
2 days later my family doctor said cancer was a possibility (but not a
probability) when he looked at it, as did two other MDs to whom I sent photos.
I know, I know. Going online to self-diagnose is the worst idea ever and I’ve
learned my lesson; I’ll go straight to the doctor next time and not wait so
long. My mind went to a really dark
place last week. I lost 4 pounds in 3 days—not the healthy way, so there is no
boasting about my weight loss progress right now. The kind of cancer that it
looked like has a 25% survival rate so naturally I went to the worst case
scenario and felt sick with fear. The thought that kept circling in my head
was, “Not now. There is so much more I need to do.” I need to be around for my boys. The little
guys need their mom, I need them, and Nick and I are not finished our journey
by any means.” I said to my cousin late
last week, “I am so scared,” and she summed it up nicely: “you feel this way
because you have a life worth living.” So true.
I do have a life worth living, and I need to get busy living it. I think I’m doing a decent job right now, but
there is always more I could do. It’s
amazing how motivated I am to start doing things differently after last week. Here
are <i>Raeleen’s revised life priorities
after her mental breakdown and not-so-near brush with death:</i></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Be present all the time with my boys. So often I
shut off my hyperactive 3 year old’s incessant chatter and go to my happy place.
I haul poor Alex in his carseat for hours on some days getting my errands done.
I surf my phone when the kids go to bed instead of having a meaningful
conversation with Nick. I’ve got to invest
myself more…as a family we deserve and need that. Liam came running out of the
house last week as I was driving to my run clinic session. He said, “Mom, can I
have a hug and a kiss? Don’t fall on your run and hurt yourself, ok?” And then he helped me back the car out of the
driveway, motioning and pointing towards the road. Oh my God, what a sweetheart. I need to be around for this little guy.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Lose the damn weight already! I actually thought
to myself this week, “I really don’t want to die overweight.” Time to ramp it up and drop 2 pounds a
week. For the past 2 months I’ve gained
and lost the same 5 pounds; I’m not even going to come up with a reason for why
this has happened. Losing weight isn’t
about looking good anymore; it’s about being healthy and feeling amazing that
a) I am no longer lugging excess weight in my torso while I run half marathons
and after my boys at the park, and b)I set about doing something I didn’t
really believe I could do but I did it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Start earnestly researching international work
opportunities. It’s been a life goal to work somewhere on a 1 year (or longer)
assignment and experience a totally different lifestyle. Having young kids and a spouse with a good
job that’s rooted in Victoria makes this one tough…but still, no excuse. Hawaii,
here I come!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 41.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Let go of every conflict I have with
others. I don’t actually have any
ongoing conflict with anyone right now, but there are things from my past
relationships and friendships that need to be freed from my mind and
heart. I’m not sure whether I need to
have a conversation with anyone or if this is just me letting go of weight
inside of me…I will keep you posted. Life is too short for bitterness,
resentment, bad relationships.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 41.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Start helping out in my community. There are people who could use my help. I did
not choose the privileged life I was born into. I was gifted with it. All of us
who live in Canada above the poverty line have essentially won life’s lottery. All
I have to do is think back to the weeks my MBA classmates and I spent in
Brazil, and seeing how people along the Amazon River lived. They didn’t choose
that life either. Really, I just have first world problems (check out that
hashtag, by the way). I will keep you posted on what this translates into.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So what IS this mysterious disease I have? Diagnosis today: atypical psoriasis. Doesn’t
look like “normal psoriasis,” whatever that means. Most likely brought on by my body overheating
through exercise. How ironic! The
physical activity I love and need to do to maintain a healthy lifestyle is
wreaking havoc on my skin and especially ON MY BRAIN! <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I should say that cancer is a very sensitive topic for some
and not to be treated trivially. I do not mean to offend anyone who has lost
someone to cancer or is a cancer survivor.
If anything, I have increased respect after last week for you and what
you and your families have been through.
Not many people know that my mom was diagnosed with cancer less than a
year ago, and endured surgery, chemotherapy and radiation treatments throughout
the fall and winter. During this time her own mother passed away and I had baby
Alex. There were a lot of intense, emotional moments for our whole family and a
renewed appreciation for the gift of life.
After her last radiation appointment, my mom declared to me, “today is
the first day of the rest of my life.” I am blessed to not have to go through
everything she did in order to understand what she meant. <o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0hCbXkOR8QU/Uckupo71WUI/AAAAAAAAAOA/Gbrj8L2yCw8/s1600/20121207-IMG_7912.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0hCbXkOR8QU/Uckupo71WUI/AAAAAAAAAOA/Gbrj8L2yCw8/s400/20121207-IMG_7912.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">these boys are why I have a life worth living!</td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-5341161955583796602013-06-07T00:51:00.002-07:002013-06-07T00:51:40.714-07:00I accept that I’m a runner, and any other label I am given<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember 2 years ago walking into a Lululemon store and
looking at their running section. I had just started working out – this was at
the beginning of my weight loss journey and joining BDHQ. I was with another girl who had just started
working out at BDHQ too. An employee approached us and asked, “Are you
runners?” At the exact same time she replied “yes” and I said “no.” I remember thinking, “I am not a runner…yet. I
admire those that are, but I’ve just started, I still don’t look like someone
who does any form of exercise at this point, and I don’t deserve that title.” I felt like if I said yes to that question I opened
myself up to being judged based on my physical appearance. I created in my
head an image of someone who was leaner, faster, and more hard core than I was,
whatever that means. Today, that just sounds so totally dumb when I write these
words. I think back to 2 years ago and
realize it was safer and easier to be self-deprecating and think, “Oh god, I need
to be so much thinner before I go about telling people I’m a runner.” The truth is, I saw myself as this overweight
inactive person and equated that with a feeling of inferiority. It had nothing to do with running but that’s
where the conflict with perceived self-image and reality first came up for me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I forgot about this incident until this week when at baby
bootcamp class we had to run a steep hill which is about 5 or 6 blocks long pushing
babies in strollers. I finally ran the entire hill pushing Alex; this only took
5 months of classes to get it done!! As
I was relishing my small victory, one of the other girls reached the top of
the hill and asked me, “How long have you been a runner?” I looked at her and
was about to say, “Oh, I’m not a runner,” but stopped myself. What am I
thinking? Hells yeah, I am a runner! I
just ran over 60K last week, including my second half marathon (which, by the
way, I completed in 2 hours 7 minutes, which is 2 minutes faster than my first).
I have about 4 running injuries including a stress fracture in my foot from
pounding pavement. I even have a hat and socks that I only use
for running long distances. But, you
know, it’s not the gear I own, or the distance I travel each week on foot, how
many races I enter, or how fast my pace is that puts a tick in the “I’m a bona
fide runner” box in my life. It’s really
about my attitude towards myself and whether I allow myself to be ok with how I
look. Never mind if I deserve any kind
of title; there is no such thing as “deserve”.
It just is what it is. I like
running, I look the way I look, and if you want to label that or not it doesn’t
matter. I don’t have a problem being
called a “professional” at work or a “good mom” at home, so why should I beat
myself up over this area of my life?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know there are a lot of people out there who think running
sucks. My answer is yes, yes it does. It feels uncomfortable for the first 20
minutes or even the first 5K for everyone. It’s easy to get injured if you don’t
stretch or run properly. But I promise you it gets awesome once you push
through that. Out of curiosity I read a
Harvard University health article today to see how running shapes up to some
other activities I’ve done in the last year. In half an hour, a 150 pound
person burns 150 calories doing yoga, 170 walking at a 4 mph pace, 225
swimming, and 370 running at a 6 mph pace. One pound = 3500 calories. It just makes sense to me that running is the
best use of your limited time for exercise in a day and it’s the best form of
exercise to drop weight efficiently. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve got my name down for a run clinic
starting in a couple weeks, I entered the registration lottery for San
Francisco’s Nike Women’s Half Marathon in October, and I have plans to run
another half marathon this fall in Victoria.
One of the best things that’s happened to me since I started running
long distances was proving to myself that I can do something I never thought I was
capable of physically doing. My mindset around running for 2 hours or more and
20K or more at a time is now, “yup, it’s totally doable, and even a little fun.” So onwards and upwards for me and running. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-X_BM9VO1aEQ/UbGOY5wH_-I/AAAAAAAAANY/dzE3yyWCnrk/s1600/VGAC0072.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-X_BM9VO1aEQ/UbGOY5wH_-I/AAAAAAAAANY/dzE3yyWCnrk/s1600/VGAC0072.jpeg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At the Goddess Run in Victoria, smiling because we just passed the 20K marker</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-er6HJV6STtM/UbGOZBOjtGI/AAAAAAAAANc/INntaSvdgAc/s1600/IMG_2188.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-er6HJV6STtM/UbGOZBOjtGI/AAAAAAAAANc/INntaSvdgAc/s320/IMG_2188.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meeting up with friends after the race. These two sisters are so inspiring...I think this was their 14th half marathon and they finish 10-30 minutes faster than me! </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1rQqBmsrdk8/UbGOYYoEVTI/AAAAAAAAANQ/J8jZXRkc2W0/s1600/IMG_1068+%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1rQqBmsrdk8/UbGOYYoEVTI/AAAAAAAAANQ/J8jZXRkc2W0/s320/IMG_1068+%25282%2529.jpg" width="190" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My training and race day partner, and fellow momma of a 7 month old. We pushed our babies 14K on some days to train for this half marathon. Well done my friend!!</td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-40775932138681700402013-05-28T23:08:00.001-07:002013-05-28T23:08:54.555-07:00refocusing and reflecting backFirstly I want to thank all of you for reading my blog. It’s
been viewed almost 1400 times since I started it in February (and no, I don’t
count my own pageviews) which is crazy to me that there are people out there
who want to read what little old me has to say. Last week’s post (Epic Update)
was the first time I let my Facebook community know I had a blog. Which was
scary for me. I guess because I still harbor this fear of being judged and it’s
easier to continue my struggles in private.
I received so many uplifting and encouraging comments from readers,
though, and it validated why I have a blog in the first place. If I can inspire
a few others into starting or returning to a healthy lifestyle, then I did more
than I ever thought I could with my words. Keep reading, keep commenting, but
most importantly, keep thinking about making healthy choices however small they are because they do make a difference.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
This past week I’ve been back to a routine and out of
vacation mode. Returning to healthy eating, better sleep, less drinking, and
more exercising makes me feel so much more powerful (especially mentally). By powerful
I mean energetic and having a sense of control over my life. I ran over 19K last Saturday as my last
training run for the half marathon coming up in FIVE days. I did that run in just over 2 hours and felt
really good despite it being a really hilly route. I dread running long distances until I get it done, so the feeling of putting a tick in the last training day box was probably the best of all. Just 5 months ago I had a 6
week old baby and could not run more than 3 minutes before having to walk. I’ve learned that being able to run a half
marathon distance has everything to do with disciplined training and the belief
in yourself that you <i>will</i> do it. It’s all about hard work and overcoming
self-doubt. It really has nothing to do with natural born ability (there’s no
such thing as being born a runner or a non-runner, or born with a body that can’t
be fit). And, there are no excuses (I just had a baby, I’m in my 30’s now, I
don’t have time with two kids and
everything else I do in my life). I’ve
learned to stop overthinking why I may not be able to do something and just
plunge in and start. If not now, then when? It’s not going to happen itself.<br />
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On Sunday I ran part of the oak bay half marathon in a relay
team of 3 other lovely friends I have made through BDHQ’s baby bootcamp class.
I can’t believe new mommas can run so fast.
We collectively ran 21.1K in 1h45 (that’s a pace of 5 minutes/km) and we
were in the top 10 of all relay teams. I’m
so inspired by these girls who don’t let their “mom” label define them.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td><img height="240" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/292937_10151816607826055_692150998_n.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">here we are before the race<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OtnI2hehN-w/UaWTd7rsIqI/AAAAAAAAAL4/hlUl-Zs0fF4/s1600/2013-05-26+09.48.28.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OtnI2hehN-w/UaWTd7rsIqI/AAAAAAAAAL4/hlUl-Zs0fF4/s320/2013-05-26+09.48.28.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">still smiling and soaked afterwards<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I lost a pound this week but to be very truthful, I had
already lost most of this pound and then went on vacation and gained it
back. So...it would be accurate to say I
re-lost a pound. I ate well, starting in the mornings (I find if I don’t have a
healthy breakfast I am more prone to eating sugar and carbs throughout the
day). I meal planned and grocery shopped
only to my meal plan ingredients. I have
never posted photos of my food but thought this week I’d do that since I went
back to eating colorful veggies and fruits! </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-si4SoM0nKXg/UaWX6Dj63HI/AAAAAAAAAMw/S3M-LacxGFA/s1600/2013-04-30+08.49.59.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-si4SoM0nKXg/UaWX6Dj63HI/AAAAAAAAAMw/S3M-LacxGFA/s320/2013-04-30+08.49.59.jpg" width="233" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I try to have this every day for breakfast</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5tftbW2NfrI/UaWX8CX8JII/AAAAAAAAAM4/XDOWQHvjiNE/s1600/2013-04-30+08.53.59.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5tftbW2NfrI/UaWX8CX8JII/AAAAAAAAAM4/XDOWQHvjiNE/s320/2013-04-30+08.53.59.jpg" width="302" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">1 cup frozen berries, half banana, 1 cup fresh spinach, 1 scoop vanilla protein powder or Greek yogurt, 1 tbsp NutraSea lemon flavored fish oil (it tastes pretty darn good), almond milk or milk</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
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<br /></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KWu30lCciEQ/UaWXmFuV10I/AAAAAAAAAMI/rLYr6VynE3o/s1600/2013-05-23+20.32.47.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="298" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KWu30lCciEQ/UaWXmFuV10I/AAAAAAAAAMI/rLYr6VynE3o/s400/2013-05-23+20.32.47.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">ingredients for fennel salad</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bn1432yrcW4/UaWXmyWUk8I/AAAAAAAAAMQ/gWwSYbBZL7c/s1600/2013-05-23+20.51.22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="298" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bn1432yrcW4/UaWXmyWUk8I/AAAAAAAAAMQ/gWwSYbBZL7c/s400/2013-05-23+20.51.22.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">1 large fennel bulb and 1 red pepper, 1/4 onion, 3 tbsp chopped mint leaves, juice of 1 lemon, salt and pepper</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zSFRKA3QaHU/UaWX2fuu8tI/AAAAAAAAAMY/U4iXZENmpik/s1600/2013-04-29+09.24.29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zSFRKA3QaHU/UaWX2fuu8tI/AAAAAAAAAMY/U4iXZENmpik/s320/2013-04-29+09.24.29.jpg" width="205" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pfvI7yrdGr8/UaWX4QwH2bI/AAAAAAAAAMo/fvL6AoO7sDM/s1600/2013-04-29+09.26.39.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pfvI7yrdGr8/UaWX4QwH2bI/AAAAAAAAAMo/fvL6AoO7sDM/s200/2013-04-29+09.26.39.jpg" width="128" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;">I'm not a fan of selfies but I committed to showing my progress<br /></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I decided I’m going to run another half marathon this
fall and keep up with my training. I know myself, and if I don’t have another
goal to work towards I have a hard time staying motivated and I won’t lose
weight. My goal this week is to sign up for a
run club and train with others who can kick my butt a little harder than I can
by myself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-21950450237901308722013-05-21T19:39:00.003-07:002013-05-21T19:39:45.801-07:00epic update<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just got home this afternoon from an epic journey away from
home. In the past 12 days:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Baby Alex took his first airplane ride to
Alberta to meet his cousins, aunties, uncles, and new friends</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">We had an amazing time at our cousin’s wedding
in Alberta.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I laughed until I cried, and
let loose like it was my job.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I can’t
remember the last time I had that much fun. I feel so much more connected to
Nick and his family, and like a bit of my old, non-Mom self is back. </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I blogged 6 weeks ago about having a goal of
fitting into a dress I bought, and while I chose not to wear it, I wore another
similar looking dress that barely fit me months earlier as well. Multiple “wins”
on this day for me!</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Qh_puVAhkzA/UZwtlfXH1rI/AAAAAAAAAKE/eWN6oMqgyjg/s1600/2013-05-10+23.53.56.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Qh_puVAhkzA/UZwtlfXH1rI/AAAAAAAAAKE/eWN6oMqgyjg/s200/2013-05-10+23.53.56.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZOcoiWufmBk/UZwtlU6RKrI/AAAAAAAAAKI/j_2J-eZvj7g/s1600/2013-05-11+00.04.47.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZOcoiWufmBk/UZwtlU6RKrI/AAAAAAAAAKI/j_2J-eZvj7g/s320/2013-05-11+00.04.47.jpg" width="205" /></a><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YhsEBFBhn6Y/UZwtmOpuAcI/AAAAAAAAAKU/TEdugSEAqBk/s1600/2013-05-11+18.45.53.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YhsEBFBhn6Y/UZwtmOpuAcI/AAAAAAAAAKU/TEdugSEAqBk/s320/2013-05-11+18.45.53.jpg" width="221" /></a><br />
<div style="text-indent: -24px;">
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I visited the Rocky Mountains (Canmore and
Banff) for the first time in over 6 years.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I forgot how beautiful the mountains are. We reconnected with good
friends from our days in Alberta and their four adorable little girls. I
learned that even though we are no longer in our 20’s and have 6 kids between
us, it’s as though we never left Alberta.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">We haven’t let being parents or our age define us. As I get older I
believe it can get harder to make really close friends especially if you do
spend a lot of your time raising kids and working full time…so those friendships
I have made and kept are that much more precious to me. I feel as though my
soul is that much more fulfilled from being with family and friends last week.</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ap2zhqTE588/UZwuWDxq8DI/AAAAAAAAAKg/GAnE6Os-KHg/s1600/2013-05-14+18.08.55.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ap2zhqTE588/UZwuWDxq8DI/AAAAAAAAAKg/GAnE6Os-KHg/s320/2013-05-14+18.08.55.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-indent: -24px;">
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">We flew back to Victoria and the next day hauled
our 32 foot trailer to the north island for 5 days.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">About 550K one-way with 2 young kids is a
challenge and some learning for me that we may have to be less ambitious in our
outdoor adventures for now.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">That’s not
to say we will hang out in our living room all weekend from now on, but shorter
travels closer to home are probably less stressful for everyone. The northern
part of Vancouver Island is still so pristine, with logging roads being the
only way to get to some communities and areas we visited. I get so much energy
from exploring new places. I can‘t wait to go back and see Cape Scott
Provincial Park and Raft Cove Provincial Park (make note: there’s another
travel goal).</span></li>
</ul>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lTgHSo_pVw4/UZwuYCVxbJI/AAAAAAAAAK4/vq-ZuGz2oFg/s1600/2013-05-17+18.30.56.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lTgHSo_pVw4/UZwuYCVxbJI/AAAAAAAAAK4/vq-ZuGz2oFg/s320/2013-05-17+18.30.56.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">beach at Cluxewe (north island)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f91sI-rNSRg/UZwuZeTJEnI/AAAAAAAAALE/oLvQwylVT_A/s1600/2013-05-18+11.54.33.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="476" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f91sI-rNSRg/UZwuZeTJEnI/AAAAAAAAALE/oLvQwylVT_A/s640/2013-05-18+11.54.33.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Telegraph Cove</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-h7joeKthrBA/UZwuaCqx3UI/AAAAAAAAALQ/a7anUq_ytu8/s1600/2013-05-18+11.55.09.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-h7joeKthrBA/UZwuaCqx3UI/AAAAAAAAALQ/a7anUq_ytu8/s320/2013-05-18+11.55.09.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fjO3wXiosyE/UZwucAbMBII/AAAAAAAAALk/FK7i0j2QnaI/s1600/2013-05-18+13.38.54.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="294" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fjO3wXiosyE/UZwucAbMBII/AAAAAAAAALk/FK7i0j2QnaI/s400/2013-05-18+13.38.54.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">driving on logging roads and seeing nothing but trees...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8M7y3CJAeFY/UZwuaxdpnyI/AAAAAAAAALY/rmYXG8ev_3Q/s1600/2013-05-18+13.35.36.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8M7y3CJAeFY/UZwuaxdpnyI/AAAAAAAAALY/rmYXG8ev_3Q/s320/2013-05-18+13.35.36.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">...and deserted logging trains</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-indent: -24px;">
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I exercised ONCE. I ventured out for a pathetic
6K run with Alex in his stroller last week when we were in Canmore.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I blame bad eating, mild hangover and higher
altitude.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I had a major cramp the entire
time and could barely make it up a minor hill.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I still have to complete my 20K training run for the half marathon which
is in ELEVEN DAYS! I abandoned all clean eating habits for almost 2 weeks too. It
was as though the wedding in Calgary happened, I wore my dress and felt great,
and then my eyes rolled to the back of my head like when a shark attacks its
prey and I ate every carbohydrate in sight. What is wrong with me!? I feel
disgusting and about 20 pounds heavier. I refuse to weigh myself until tomorrow
morning. My learning from this is that there needs to be an immediate goal
after a major one is achieved to keep me going.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I guess I had my eyes fixed on the wedding and fitting into my dress,
and when that day passed, I didn’t really have another weight loss goal.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">So as of right now, I’m getting back to good
eating, and I’m going to exercise tomorrow. As they say, </span><i style="text-indent: -0.25in;">just start</i><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">, right? I’m going to do my 20K long run by this weekend,
which is a little late to be doing it but it’s the earliest I can have someone
watch the kids for more than 2 hours. My next health related goal is to run the
entire hilly route of the half marathon on June 2</span><sup style="text-indent: -0.25in;">nd</sup><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> without excess
weight sloshing around my torso (as it is kind of doing right now) which means
finishing feeling great.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></li>
</ul>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KqzkgEHTvoc/UZwuVyM37UI/AAAAAAAAAKc/CMu-84w4PYE/s1600/2013-05-14+18.06.52.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KqzkgEHTvoc/UZwuVyM37UI/AAAAAAAAAKc/CMu-84w4PYE/s320/2013-05-14+18.06.52.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">running with Alex in Canmore (downhill so I could breathe and snap a picture with my phone)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-indent: -24px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10646219273505992484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108293739232430314.post-91188343727708402852013-04-24T20:54:00.001-07:002013-04-24T20:54:20.005-07:00Coming full circle with the Sun Run<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was 16 I ran the Vancouver Sun Run (10K) without
training and in a pair of Nike Air basketball shoes that were 1.5 sizes too
small for me. (Fashion over function, always!)
I think I did it in 1:07 and could not walk for the next week. I
remember vividly the giant blister that developed on my foot, about the size of
a toonie. What struck me in addition to
being sore was how much fun it was! The energy of an enormous crowd coming
together to celebrate the city, healthy lifestyles, and just having a good time
was infectious. It was my first taste of
running in a “race” situation and I loved it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fast forward 18 years to last Sunday. I happened to read an article in the Vancouver
Sun about an expected surge in last minute registrations for the Sun Run due to
the Boston Marathon bombings, and people’s desire to do something to help. It created a sense of urgency in me to sign
up. I really wanted to pay a tribute in
my own way to those victims in Boston, and running seemed to be a very
appropriate way for me to do it. When am
I ever in Vancouver at the time of the Sun Run, have free babysitters (my
parents), and in shape to run 10K on a whim? NEVER! Until this year. So I was compelled to run. I didn’t need a friend or family member to do
it with me. In a way, there are 48,000
other people who are your friends for that 10K journey—in those moments you are
on the same wavelength as everyone else around you. But the competitive side of me WAS in a race—I
had something to prove to myself. I
wanted to prove to myself that even though I am 18 years older than I was when
I first ran the Sun Run, and probably about 45 pounds heavier than I was at age
16, and had to re-learn to run these past 3 months since having a baby, that I
was healthier and in better shape. I am
proud of the fact that I completed the run in 56:11. That’s not my best 10K time but what I’ll
remember the most about last Sunday was how uplifted I was that yes, I CAN do
this, I can keep getting better as I get older, and hard work does pay
off. At the beginning of February, I
could barely run 4 minutes without having to stop and walk. There are really no excuses I can give myself—“I’m
too old and fat” is no excuse. “I’ve got 2 kids and just had a baby” is no
excuse. “I am too busy” is no excuse. If
I can do this, anyone can do this. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think I will always remember the last 500m of my Sun Run
running downhill into BC Place Stadium with thick crowds of supporters cheering
everyone on both sides of the road. The sun was hot and I thought my lungs
would collapse. But running with so many
like-minded people at one time is euphoric. I celebrated life for those 56 minutes, relishing
the fact that I had 2 legs to run with, that I live in the most beautiful part
of the world, and that more people come together as a community to do good things
rather than harm others. I may never run
the Boston Marathon (perhaps this should be a new goal of mine??) but I think I have begun to understand why
people are compelled to do it. It’s good
for your soul. <o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gvzfD3RlfU0/UXioFmsCNgI/AAAAAAAAAJE/XRmzLayL_pI/s1600/2013-04-21+08.10.02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gvzfD3RlfU0/UXioFmsCNgI/AAAAAAAAAJE/XRmzLayL_pI/s320/2013-04-21+08.10.02.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the start line 1 hour before the race </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-V-KcF9Y-zo8/UXioFuTdaHI/AAAAAAAAAJI/BWYMe21E8rU/s1600/2013-04-21+10.58.20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-V-KcF9Y-zo8/UXioFuTdaHI/AAAAAAAAAJI/BWYMe21E8rU/s320/2013-04-21+10.58.20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">20 minutes before the race start, a few more people had shown up!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZuJkoP6_RKg/UXioGQ-mo5I/AAAAAAAAAJU/OHkXLg-sFrE/s1600/2013-04-21+11.04.27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZuJkoP6_RKg/UXioGQ-mo5I/AAAAAAAAAJU/OHkXLg-sFrE/s320/2013-04-21+11.04.27.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">walking home from the race, the cherry blossoms were in full bloom....Vancouver is so beautiful</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FtNlY1zohKs/UXioum-Q5fI/AAAAAAAAAJk/_vbtR1DJzDU/s1600/2013-04-21+11.09.45.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FtNlY1zohKs/UXioum-Q5fI/AAAAAAAAAJk/_vbtR1DJzDU/s320/2013-04-21+11.09.45.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
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