My hill to die on

Something happened to me in that last year of my MBA (in 2011). I think my identity as a mom took over everything else and I found myself getting complacent in taking care of my health. I think school does that to a lot of people...to be blunt, the stress of studying makes us fat! By the time I was done my MBA I hated every photo of myself. I remember being at Mexx trying to find something that fit me to wear to my final MBA dissertation and not even their size 14 dress fit.  I was so ashamed that I let myself get to this point and I am ashamed to even be typing these words and posting any sort of photographic evidence of me not looking my best. My first thoughts in putting this on paper are, “what are the people who were in my life years ago when I was thin going to think?” Oh well, time to put it all out there, as I've said was the goal of this blog. Not 15 minutes would pass in a day back then before I would think, “Oh my god, I am so fat, this is disgusting.”  I gave myself plenty of excuses; “I had a baby recently,” “I was busy working full time and doing my MBA,” “If I want to have any semblance of a social life and stay happily married I have no more time left in my day to work out,” “my parents didn't place importance on physical activity—it was always academic achievements that they cared about so I grew up being inactive and don’t like any team sports,” and the list goes on. What had I become? This was not me. Really, the only person I had to blame was me and my voices in my head that I gave way too much power to. I got myself to this place, and only I could get myself out.  I wasn't and continue to not be a victim of anything other than my own decisions and actions.

Below are photos of me in all my size 14 splendour in July, 2011 at my MBA graduation and then in Kauai a week later. I was what I was, but seriously, I look at this and think, "gross."

 

So, instead of fixating on my desire to be thin, which was totally lame because I would never know when I got to “thin,” and would therefore never enjoy success in the area of weight loss, I completely changed my mindset.  In August of 2011 after I graduated with my MBA I did something I had never done before in my life...I basically married my gym, Body Dynamics Headquarters (http://www.bdhq.ca/) in Victoria.  I went from doing nothing active to working out hard 6 days a week and eating clean (i.e. small meals every 3-4 hours totaling 5 cups of veggies, 2 servings of carbs, lean protein in every meal, and 3L of water).  It was not a diet or a temporary "go to the gym until I'm thin" strategy.  It was a "do this for the rest of your life starting now" strategy. It was surprisingly fun and it worked. In 2 months I looked like this:

and in 8 months I looked like this (that's Michele, founder/director of BDHQ I'm with):

So for half of 2011 and half of 2012 I conducted significant psychological analysis into myself and my esteem and my motives for wanting to be thin, and came out on the other end realizing 2 things:

1. My goal needs to shift from "being thin" to "being healthy and well." And, there is no end date to this one, ever. For me that’s scary because I really enjoy checking things off my life’s to-do list and knowing they are done.   (I have a bit of OCD around list making.)

2. The only way to be successful is through hard work. No one who is healthy gets that way relying on genetics, drugs, or their metabolism. Eating clean and working out is the only way to do this.  I can no longer look enviously at others and think, “they are so lucky. I wish I was that lucky.”  There’s no such thing as luck. I look at others who are in amazing shape and now think, "wow, how inspiring. I need to find out how they did it because I can learn from them and do it too." 

But...my weight loss story does not end here. Being healthy is definitely a journey, not a destination. A year ago I found out I was pregnant again and, of course, gained weight.  I would do it all over again in a heart beat because I have a beautiful 12 week old, Alex, to show for it.  But, man, it really sucks to have a midriff that leaves much to be desired (again).  I've decided not to sugar coat my photos because I want to be able to see true progress in the coming months. So here I am, as of this morning:

 

My measurements:
Bust 42"
Waist 39.5"
Hips 42.5"
Thigh 23.5"
Bicep (left 11", right 10.25")

My goals this year around being fit for life are:

• Follow the clean eating principles that worked so well for me last year EVERY DAY. This is 90% of what weight loss for me is about.  I can sweat profusely at boot camp 6 days out of 7 and not lose a pound if I eat crap during the week.
• Work out 5 or more times a week.
• Wear a size 6 or 8. If I have to put a number on it, weigh between 140-150 pounds. That is at least 30 pounds to lose from today.
• Lose inches, off my waist especially (at least 7)
• Run a half marathon in 2 hours this June.
•  Incorporate my kids into my fitness regimen—don’t think of working out as an isolated activity that must be done alone.

I've headed back to my beloved gym 5 weeks ago, but I'm not doing so great with eating clean. My head is just not in the right space, I guess you could say.  This is near and dear to my heart so I will be writing a lot more about how I'm doing in the future.

On another note, I will try to keep my posts a lot shorter from now on. Here I was, afraid I’d not have enough to say if I started a blog. Ha! Nick just told me, “A Chi without words is like an ocean without water.”  Touché.  Maybe I should make it a goal of mine to be more succinct.