today is the first day of the rest of my life

I haven’t written for a long time and I apologize for not keeping up with my weekly blog posts. I wanted to write when I had something positive to say.  For the last 4 months I’ve had a strange rash develop and finally I decided to Google my symptoms because it was spreading and changing my skin.  Surprise! It instilled some serious panic because it looked like cancer. Seriously, it most closely aligned to the symptoms and photos of this form of cancer that I found online and believe me, I spent hours looking at everything. 2 days later my family doctor said cancer was a possibility (but not a probability) when he looked at it, as did two other MDs to whom I sent photos. I know, I know. Going online to self-diagnose is the worst idea ever and I’ve learned my lesson; I’ll go straight to the doctor next time and not wait so long.  My mind went to a really dark place last week. I lost 4 pounds in 3 days—not the healthy way, so there is no boasting about my weight loss progress right now. The kind of cancer that it looked like has a 25% survival rate so naturally I went to the worst case scenario and felt sick with fear. The thought that kept circling in my head was, “Not now. There is so much more I need to do.”  I need to be around for my boys. The little guys need their mom, I need them, and Nick and I are not finished our journey by any means.”  I said to my cousin late last week, “I am so scared,” and she summed it up nicely: “you feel this way because you have a life worth living.”  So true.  I do have a life worth living, and I need to get busy living it.  I think I’m doing a decent job right now, but there is always more I could do.  It’s amazing how motivated I am to start doing things differently after last week. Here are Raeleen’s revised life priorities after her mental breakdown and not-so-near brush with death:

·         Be present all the time with my boys. So often I shut off my hyperactive 3 year old’s incessant chatter and go to my happy place. I haul poor Alex in his carseat for hours on some days getting my errands done. I surf my phone when the kids go to bed instead of having a meaningful conversation with Nick.  I’ve got to invest myself more…as a family we deserve and need that. Liam came running out of the house last week as I was driving to my run clinic session. He said, “Mom, can I have a hug and a kiss? Don’t fall on your run and hurt yourself, ok?”  And then he helped me back the car out of the driveway, motioning and pointing towards the road.  Oh my God, what a sweetheart.  I need to be around for this little guy.

·         Lose the damn weight already! I actually thought to myself this week, “I really don’t want to die overweight.”  Time to ramp it up and drop 2 pounds a week.  For the past 2 months I’ve gained and lost the same 5 pounds; I’m not even going to come up with a reason for why this has happened.  Losing weight isn’t about looking good anymore; it’s about being healthy and feeling amazing that a) I am no longer lugging excess weight in my torso while I run half marathons and after my boys at the park, and b)I set about doing something I didn’t really believe I could do but I did it.

·         Start earnestly researching international work opportunities. It’s been a life goal to work somewhere on a 1 year (or longer) assignment and experience a totally different lifestyle.  Having young kids and a spouse with a good job that’s rooted in Victoria makes this one tough…but still, no excuse. Hawaii, here I come!

·         Let go of every conflict I have with others.  I don’t actually have any ongoing conflict with anyone right now, but there are things from my past relationships and friendships that need to be freed from my mind and heart.  I’m not sure whether I need to have a conversation with anyone or if this is just me letting go of weight inside of me…I will keep you posted. Life is too short for bitterness, resentment, bad relationships.

·         Start helping out in my community.  There are people who could use my help. I did not choose the privileged life I was born into. I was gifted with it. All of us who live in Canada above the poverty line have essentially won life’s lottery. All I have to do is think back to the weeks my MBA classmates and I spent in Brazil, and seeing how people along the Amazon River lived. They didn’t choose that life either. Really, I just have first world problems (check out that hashtag, by the way). I will keep you posted on what this translates into.

So what IS this mysterious disease I have?  Diagnosis today: atypical psoriasis. Doesn’t look like “normal psoriasis,” whatever that means.  Most likely brought on by my body overheating through exercise.  How ironic! The physical activity I love and need to do to maintain a healthy lifestyle is wreaking havoc on my skin and especially ON MY BRAIN!

I should say that cancer is a very sensitive topic for some and not to be treated trivially. I do not mean to offend anyone who has lost someone to cancer or is a cancer survivor.  If anything, I have increased respect after last week for you and what you and your families have been through.  Not many people know that my mom was diagnosed with cancer less than a year ago, and endured surgery, chemotherapy and radiation treatments throughout the fall and winter. During this time her own mother passed away and I had baby Alex. There were a lot of intense, emotional moments for our whole family and a renewed appreciation for the gift of life.  After her last radiation appointment, my mom declared to me, “today is the first day of the rest of my life.” I am blessed to not have to go through everything she did in order to understand what she meant. 

these boys are why I have a life worth living!

I accept that I’m a runner, and any other label I am given

I remember 2 years ago walking into a Lululemon store and looking at their running section. I had just started working out – this was at the beginning of my weight loss journey and joining BDHQ.  I was with another girl who had just started working out at BDHQ too. An employee approached us and asked, “Are you runners?” At the exact same time she replied “yes” and I said “no.”  I remember thinking, “I am not a runner…yet. I admire those that are, but I’ve just started, I still don’t look like someone who does any form of exercise at this point, and I don’t deserve that title.”  I felt like if I said yes to that question I opened myself up to being judged based on my physical appearance. I created in my head an image of someone who was leaner, faster, and more hard core than I was, whatever that means. Today, that just sounds so totally dumb when I write these words.  I think back to 2 years ago and realize it was safer and easier to be self-deprecating and think, “Oh god, I need to be so much thinner before I go about telling people I’m a runner.”  The truth is, I saw myself as this overweight inactive person and equated that with a feeling of inferiority.  It had nothing to do with running but that’s where the conflict with perceived self-image and reality first came up for me.

I forgot about this incident until this week when at baby bootcamp class we had to run a steep hill which is about 5 or 6 blocks long pushing babies in strollers. I finally ran the entire hill pushing Alex; this only took 5 months of classes to get it done!!  As I was relishing my small victory, one of the other girls reached the top of the hill and asked me, “How long have you been a runner?” I looked at her and was about to say, “Oh, I’m not a runner,” but stopped myself. What am I thinking? Hells yeah, I am a runner!  I just ran over 60K last week, including my second half marathon (which, by the way, I completed in 2 hours 7 minutes, which is 2 minutes faster than my first). I have about 4 running injuries including a stress fracture in my foot from pounding pavement.  I even have a hat and socks that I only use for running long distances.  But, you know, it’s not the gear I own, or the distance I travel each week on foot, how many races I enter, or how fast my pace is that puts a tick in the “I’m a bona fide runner” box in my life.  It’s really about my attitude towards myself and whether I allow myself to be ok with how I look.  Never mind if I deserve any kind of title; there is no such thing as “deserve”.  It just is what it is.  I like running, I look the way I look, and if you want to label that or not it doesn’t matter.  I don’t have a problem being called a “professional” at work or a “good mom” at home, so why should I beat myself up over this area of my life?

I know there are a lot of people out there who think running sucks.  My answer is yes, yes it does.  It feels uncomfortable for the first 20 minutes or even the first 5K for everyone. It’s easy to get injured if you don’t stretch or run properly. But I promise you it gets awesome once you push through that.  Out of curiosity I read a Harvard University health article today to see how running shapes up to some other activities I’ve done in the last year. In half an hour, a 150 pound person burns 150 calories doing yoga, 170 walking at a 4 mph pace, 225 swimming, and 370 running at a 6 mph pace. One pound = 3500 calories.  It just makes sense to me that running is the best use of your limited time for exercise in a day and it’s the best form of exercise to drop weight efficiently.

I’ve got my name down for a run clinic starting in a couple weeks, I entered the registration lottery for San Francisco’s Nike Women’s Half Marathon in October, and I have plans to run another half marathon this fall in Victoria.  One of the best things that’s happened to me since I started running long distances was proving to myself that I can do something I never thought I was capable of physically doing. My mindset around running for 2 hours or more and 20K or more at a time is now, “yup, it’s totally doable, and even a little fun.” So onwards and upwards for me and running. 

At the Goddess Run in Victoria, smiling because we just passed the 20K marker

Meeting up with friends after the race. These two sisters are so inspiring...I think this was their 14th half marathon and they  finish 10-30 minutes faster than me! 

My training and race day partner, and fellow momma of a 7 month old. We pushed our babies 14K  on some days to train for this half marathon. Well done my friend!!

refocusing and reflecting back

Firstly I want to thank all of you for reading my blog. It’s been viewed almost 1400 times since I started it in February (and no, I don’t count my own pageviews) which is crazy to me that there are people out there who want to read what little old me has to say. Last week’s post (Epic Update) was the first time I let my Facebook community know I had a blog. Which was scary for me. I guess because I still harbor this fear of being judged and it’s easier to continue my struggles in private.  I received so many uplifting and encouraging comments from readers, though, and it validated why I have a blog in the first place. If I can inspire a few others into starting or returning to a healthy lifestyle, then I did more than I ever thought I could with my words. Keep reading, keep commenting, but most importantly, keep thinking about making healthy choices however small they are because they do make a difference.

  This past week I’ve been back to a routine and out of vacation mode. Returning to healthy eating, better sleep, less drinking, and more exercising makes me feel so much more powerful (especially mentally). By powerful I mean energetic and having a sense of control over my life.  I ran over 19K last Saturday as my last training run for the half marathon coming up in FIVE days.  I did that run in just over 2 hours and felt really good despite it being a really hilly route. I dread running long distances until I get it done, so the feeling of putting a tick in the last training day box was probably the best of all.  Just 5 months ago I had a 6 week old baby and could not run more than 3 minutes before having to walk.  I’ve learned that being able to run a half marathon distance has everything to do with disciplined training and the belief in yourself that you will do it.  It’s all about hard work and overcoming self-doubt. It really has nothing to do with natural born ability (there’s no such thing as being born a runner or a non-runner, or born with a body that can’t be fit). And, there are no excuses (I just had a baby, I’m in my 30’s now, I don’t have time with two kids  and everything else I do in my life).  I’ve learned to stop overthinking why I may not be able to do something and just plunge in and start. If not now, then when? It’s not going to happen itself.

On Sunday I ran part of the oak bay half marathon in a relay team of 3 other lovely friends I have made through BDHQ’s baby bootcamp class. I can’t believe new mommas can run so fast.  We collectively ran 21.1K in 1h45 (that’s a pace of 5 minutes/km) and we were in the top 10 of all relay teams.  I’m so inspired by these girls who don’t let their “mom” label define them.

here we are before the race

still smiling and soaked afterwards

I lost a pound this week but to be very truthful, I had already lost most of this pound and then went on vacation and gained it back.  So...it would be accurate to say I re-lost a pound. I ate well, starting in the mornings (I find if I don’t have a healthy breakfast I am more prone to eating sugar and carbs throughout the day).  I meal planned and grocery shopped only to my meal plan ingredients.  I have never posted photos of my food but thought this week I’d do that since I went back to eating colorful veggies and fruits! 

 

I try to have this every day for breakfast

1 cup frozen berries, half banana, 1 cup fresh spinach, 1 scoop vanilla protein powder or Greek yogurt, 1 tbsp NutraSea lemon flavored fish oil (it tastes pretty darn good), almond milk or milk

ingredients for fennel salad

1 large fennel bulb and 1 red pepper, 1/4 onion, 3 tbsp chopped mint leaves, juice of 1 lemon, salt and pepper

I'm not a fan of selfies but I committed to showing my progress

I decided I’m going to run another half marathon this fall and keep up with my training. I know myself, and if I don’t have another goal to work towards I have a hard time staying motivated and I won’t lose weight.  My goal this week is to sign up for a run club and train with others who can kick my butt a little harder than I can by myself. 

epic update

I just got home this afternoon from an epic journey away from home. In the past 12 days:

• Baby Alex took his first airplane ride to Alberta to meet his cousins, aunties, uncles, and new friends
•  We had an amazing time at our cousin’s wedding in Alberta.  I laughed until I cried, and let loose like it was my job.  I can’t remember the last time I had that much fun. I feel so much more connected to Nick and his family, and like a bit of my old, non-Mom self is back.  I blogged 6 weeks ago about having a goal of fitting into a dress I bought, and while I chose not to wear it, I wore another similar looking dress that barely fit me months earlier as well. Multiple “wins” on this day for me!

 

•   I visited the Rocky Mountains (Canmore and Banff) for the first time in over 6 years.  I forgot how beautiful the mountains are. We reconnected with good friends from our days in Alberta and their four adorable little girls. I learned that even though we are no longer in our 20’s and have 6 kids between us, it’s as though we never left Alberta.  We haven’t let being parents or our age define us. As I get older I believe it can get harder to make really close friends especially if you do spend a lot of your time raising kids and working full time…so those friendships I have made and kept are that much more precious to me. I feel as though my soul is that much more fulfilled from being with family and friends last week.

• We flew back to Victoria and the next day hauled our 32 foot trailer to the north island for 5 days.  About 550K one-way with 2 young kids is a challenge and some learning for me that we may have to be less ambitious in our outdoor adventures for now.  That’s not to say we will hang out in our living room all weekend from now on, but shorter travels closer to home are probably less stressful for everyone. The northern part of Vancouver Island is still so pristine, with logging roads being the only way to get to some communities and areas we visited. I get so much energy from exploring new places. I can‘t wait to go back and see Cape Scott Provincial Park and Raft Cove Provincial Park (make note: there’s another travel goal).

beach at Cluxewe (north island)

Telegraph Cove

driving on logging roads and seeing nothing but trees...

...and deserted logging trains

•   I exercised ONCE. I ventured out for a pathetic 6K run with Alex in his stroller last week when we were in Canmore.  I blame bad eating, mild hangover and higher altitude.  I had a major cramp the entire time and could barely make it up a minor hill.  I still have to complete my 20K training run for the half marathon which is in ELEVEN DAYS! I abandoned all clean eating habits for almost 2 weeks too. It was as though the wedding in Calgary happened, I wore my dress and felt great, and then my eyes rolled to the back of my head like when a shark attacks its prey and I ate every carbohydrate in sight. What is wrong with me!? I feel disgusting and about 20 pounds heavier. I refuse to weigh myself until tomorrow morning. My learning from this is that there needs to be an immediate goal after a major one is achieved to keep me going.  I guess I had my eyes fixed on the wedding and fitting into my dress, and when that day passed, I didn’t really have another weight loss goal.  So as of right now, I’m getting back to good eating, and I’m going to exercise tomorrow. As they say, just start, right? I’m going to do my 20K long run by this weekend, which is a little late to be doing it but it’s the earliest I can have someone watch the kids for more than 2 hours. My next health related goal is to run the entire hilly route of the half marathon on June 2^nd without excess weight sloshing around my torso (as it is kind of doing right now) which means finishing feeling great.   

running with Alex in Canmore (downhill so I could breathe and snap a picture with my phone)

Coming full circle with the Sun Run

When I was 16 I ran the Vancouver Sun Run (10K) without training and in a pair of Nike Air basketball shoes that were 1.5 sizes too small for me. (Fashion over function, always!)  I think I did it in 1:07 and could not walk for the next week. I remember vividly the giant blister that developed on my foot, about the size of a toonie.  What struck me in addition to being sore was how much fun it was! The energy of an enormous crowd coming together to celebrate the city, healthy lifestyles, and just having a good time was infectious.  It was my first taste of running in a “race” situation and I loved it.

Fast forward 18 years to last Sunday.  I happened to read an article in the Vancouver Sun about an expected surge in last minute registrations for the Sun Run due to the Boston Marathon bombings, and people’s desire to do something to help.  It created a sense of urgency in me to sign up.  I really wanted to pay a tribute in my own way to those victims in Boston, and running seemed to be a very appropriate way for me to do it.  When am I ever in Vancouver at the time of the Sun Run, have free babysitters (my parents), and in shape to run 10K on a whim? NEVER! Until this year.  So I was compelled to run.  I didn’t need a friend or family member to do it with me.  In a way, there are 48,000 other people who are your friends for that 10K journey—in those moments you are on the same wavelength as everyone else around you.  But the competitive side of me WAS in a race—I had something to prove to myself.  I wanted to prove to myself that even though I am 18 years older than I was when I first ran the Sun Run, and probably about 45 pounds heavier than I was at age 16, and had to re-learn to run these past 3 months since having a baby, that I was healthier and in better shape.  I am proud of the fact that I completed the run in 56:11.  That’s not my best 10K time but what I’ll remember the most about last Sunday was how uplifted I was that yes, I CAN do this, I can keep getting better as I get older, and hard work does pay off.  At the beginning of February, I could barely run 4 minutes without having to stop and walk.  There are really no excuses I can give myself—“I’m too old and fat” is no excuse. “I’ve got 2 kids and just had a baby” is no excuse. “I am too busy” is no excuse.  If I can do this, anyone can do this. 

I think I will always remember the last 500m of my Sun Run running downhill into BC Place Stadium with thick crowds of supporters cheering everyone on both sides of the road. The sun was hot and I thought my lungs would collapse.  But running with so many like-minded people at one time is euphoric.  I celebrated life for those 56 minutes, relishing the fact that I had 2 legs to run with, that I live in the most beautiful part of the world, and that more people come together as a community to do good things rather than harm others.  I may never run the Boston Marathon (perhaps this should be a new goal of mine??)  but I think I have begun to understand why people are compelled to do it.  It’s good for your soul. 

the start line 1 hour before the race 

20 minutes before the race start, a few more people had shown up!

walking home from the race, the cherry blossoms were in full bloom....Vancouver is so beautiful

Girls Weekend

Last weekend I went on my first all-girls weekend trip ever. Well, it was 8 girls and little 4 month old Alex.  It took 34 years to do this surprisingly but it was worth the wait – who would not want to wake up to this view:

What I learned on this trip:

-          I feel guilty going away without my family –like I don’t deserve it and am being negligent by going away. I spent a lot of time wondering if I’d be resented when I got home. Surprise—it was all good.

-          Going away without my family in tow is not selfish and does not yield disastrous results upon return. It makes me appreciate them more and Nick and Liam had a great time without me building a fort in the living room and eating pizza in it, having a beach day and movie afternoon.

-          I drive fast on mountainous roads.

-          When 8 women go away together the dishes are always immediately done.

-          Laughing heartily to the point of tears is not something that should just be reserved for people in my family—it can happen with people I’ve just met and that’s a good thing.

-          Alex is a terrible sleeper when not in his own crib. 

-          It’s good to be flexible. The planner in me can relinquish control and let others do it, and it all works out.

-          There are some amazing women in Victoria. I am excited to get to know them on a deeper level after this trip. For me, a real connection with people is important and I know I was able to do that in just 2 days.

-          Going away does not provide an automatic “OK” to drink and eat in excess or to sit on your butt all day long.  While there seemed to be an inordinate amount of peanut butter and hummus consumed, we pre-planned healthy meals. We hiked 6K along the Wild Pacific Trail and Bethany and I ran the trail Saturday morning.  It was good to weigh myself the next day and find that I lost 1.5 lbs that week.  When’s the last time you went on vacation and lost weight?! (My answer until last week: uh, NEVER.)

At the end of the Wild Pacific Trail this is the scene that greets you. Best running route ever.

Thank you ladies for a wonderful time. We will be doing this again.

7 weeks, 10 pounds and 9.25 inches lost

Today I got up enough nerves to have Trish (BDHQ Baby Bootcamp trainer) do my measurements, 7 weeks after I posted my starting point (see "My Hill to Die on" post from Feb 13th).  I know I spent most of January and February eating poorly and that I probably wasn't making much progress in the weight loss/inches lost departments.  But having this blog and committing to reporting out on my progress or lack thereof has created some real accountability in me. I felt a need to face the truth today, and I was pleasantly surprised:

Chest: 39.5 (down 2.5 inches)
Waist:  36.5 (down 3 inches)
Hips: 41 inches (down 1.5 inches)
Thigh: 22.5 inches (down 1 inch each)
Bicep: Left: 10.5 (down 0.5 inches) Right 10.5 (up 0.25 inches)
Total inches lost: 9.25
Total pounds lost: 10

While I know I can do better, I'll take any kind of progress and celebrate that at the very least, I'm headed in the right direction.  I'm setting more aggressive goals for myself in the next 6 weeks because I know I can do it, and telling you all about them will make me feel that much more motivated to actually just git 'er done :)
We are headed to a family wedding in 6 weeks and there's nothing like a reunion to motivate (or scare) a person into losing more weight. I've also purchased a dress I want to wear and while it fits, I resemble a sausage encased in tubing that is too small at the moment.  So in 6 weeks my goal is 10 more pounds and to wear the dress without serious shame!  How I will do this successfully:

1. Drink 4L of water every day, and don't wait until the afternoon to start guzzling!
2. eliminate bread, refined sugar, saturated fats
3. Allow myself one cheat meal a week, not one cheat day, and not several cheat days as I've been doing
4. stick to lean protein (chicken breast, tofu, turkey, tuna, etc.)
5. Eat a giant salad every day to meet my 5 cups of veggies requirement
6. Never, EVER give up. Don't write off the day just because of one bad choice. Get back up and keep fighting--there is no time for complacency here!

The reason why I am doing this in the first place--to be around a long time for my babies and  teach them through my actions what a healthy lifestyle is so that they too can live their best life.

I want to thank Sarah for her eating plan advice and for coaching me in the exact way that motivates me (a blend of encouragement and challenge to do just a little bit more when I am about to give up), and for all my friends and family who patiently listen to me blither on about my workouts, diet, and thoughts on being healthy for life. I love you all!

The goal is to wear this dress like it's my job!