the 6 way mirror

Yesterday I went to buy running socks at Lululemon and came out with socks and extreme frustration with myself.  I am not sure if it was more motivating or depressing to try on a bunch of clothes on a whim at Lululemon and view myself at all angles of their two 3-way mirrors in the changeroom.  I stared in disbelief at all angles of my torso and thought, “oh my god. This is soooo bad. How have you let yourself get away with this?”  I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  I realized I have trained my eyes to look at only certain parts of me that I like in my mirror at home.  I really did think I looked a bit better than the image that stared back at me. So for the past day I’ve been trying to put self-deprecating thoughts out of my head, and turn my energy towards something positive.  If I don’t like how I look, I alone have the power to change that.  I need to quit whining and be kind to myself instead.  I have lost 9 pounds since mid-February when I actually started trying to lose weight gained from my pregnancy. That’s a lot less than I’d hoped for, but of course I’ll take any weight loss and I suppose that’s something to celebrate.  I feel as though I’m doing as much physical activity as my lifestyle and body can withstand right now; I work out 5 to 6 days a week and 3 of those days is straight running for an hour or more. I’ve come a long way since February in this department—I can run 10K in an hour again and last week I ran 30K in 3 days. I’ll work up the courage to measure inches (and hopefully inches lost) next week and report out on that.  So that’s the good part. What is so very demotivating is thinking about all that sweat and hard work I put into working out almost every day and that it’s not really yielded a big change to my appearance.  It is totally true; losing weight is mostly about diet, not exercise.  You need both but you REALLY need to watch what you eat.

 And, my eating is just not under control.  It seems strange to have this problem given how aware I am of what my weight loss goals are.  But knowing what I want to look like isn’t motivating me to actually get myself there.  I don’t eat enough during the day and then come dinner time I am ravenous and rack up too many calories from 6pm onwards.  My discipline with eating totally shuts off on Fridays and returns on Mondays—and those weekend days basically negate any weight loss from healthy eating during the week.  It’s like I want to reward myself for eating clean for 4 days but all I’m doing is sabotaging those 4 days.  I have thought long and hard about my bad eating issues and have arrived at the conclusion that at the root of this dysfunctional behavior is fear of losing control.  Fear of trying really hard to succeed at weight loss but failing nonetheless. I think I’m afraid of doing everything I can to lose weight and at the end of the day, looking exactly the same as I do today. That would be devastating to work so hard and not have anything change.  So, if I just make myself fail at weight loss by eating like a goat (i.e. eating everything I can lay my hands on) in the evenings and on weekends , I at least could control that and be able to explain the consequences. It is a scary thing for me to give up control and just trust that what I’m doing will yield great results at the end, but until I can do that, I think I will just continue to sabotage my success. Perhaps I need to turn my perspective around: I am not giving up control—I am actually giving myself power to be successful.  I have power to make healthy choices, both in what I eat and whether I’m going to work out hard, every single minute of every single day.  That means I still am in control!

Writing this blog post has helped me refocus.  I am still not ok with what I saw in the mirror yesterday but I’m not going to let that be the main take away from that whole experience. 

Ok, this is not the reflection that was staring back at me in the mirror yesterday. Although this goat (from Beacon Hill Park) is pretty cute and I think he was trying to eat my phone.

friends

Some people make friends easily. I don’t think I’m one of those people.

Here’s how I view me: I like people and I want people to like me. But I’m not myself until long after I feel it’s safe to reveal that with others. It takes a lot of energy out of me to meet new people and get to the point of feeling comfortable and safe.  I try my best to be chatty but often as I hear the small talk spilling out of my mouth I think, “my God, listen to you, Raeleen. You are so boring and way too serious.”  That I am sure is a self confidence issue that I should really work on, and it is probably hindering some really great potential friendships.  So, pathetic as this goal may sound, I have made 2013 the year of making friends.  To me this means reaching out to people I don’t know well (yet), going out more and not feeling like I am desperately needed at home every night, and renewing friendships that I’ve not put time into lately. This is a great year, being on mat leave, to do this. 

After getting married, studying in my MBA program, and especially after having 2 kids I found myself being a bit of a homebody and loving time with just myself.  It’s not that I’m driven to be more social now because I’m lonely; in fact, it is such a novelty to be alone these days!  And, as much as I love being with my family, I know what’s good for me and that’s to venture out of my little cave.    

So since the new year started, I have a standing date once a week with a very good friend who is also on mat leave now. We get our kids together but really it’s so we can talk (in between barking at our children who like to bolt from us towards deep water or traffic).  I signed up for a half marathon this June and am training with a bunch of like-minded and incredibly inspiring girls each week.  I joined a baby bootcamp and connected with moms who have the same health and fitness goals as I do. I don’t wait to be invited to anything…if I want to be a part of something I invite myself.  And, I say “yes” to pretty much every invite from people whether it’s coffee or a Sunday morning run.  In a few weeks I’m headed on my first girls getaway weekend in at least 10 years.  I don’t even know some of the people going but we’re sharing a house so I am sure I’ll know everyone pretty well at the end of the weekend. 

It’s strange but fascinating how our circle of friends changes throughout time. I’ve had friends for all of these phases: high school, university, first jobs, moving to new cities, breaking up with a boyfriend , entering a new relationship, having kids, going back to school to do my masters, getting married. These life events seem to mark the end to some friendships and the beginning of new ones. I used to think that it was a bad thing if I didn’t keep in touch with every single friend I’d ever had and wonder what was wrong with me that I seemed to connect with a different set of people every few years.  I never did have a BFF for life. (I had a sister who annoyed me and a brother 11 years younger than me.  I didn't see them as options for friends, although now we are so close.)  But now I think that’s totally normal. My sister noted it took until her late 20’s to feel as though she was confident with all of her friendships, that she had power to stop some and start new ones, that each friendship was a choice and it was healthy. Wise words; I agree.In high school we are friends with some people because we need to have friends and fit in. Even if some of those people don't respect us you just grin and bear it.  Even now, I’m sure some of you will agree that you are “tolerantly friendly” with some of your significant other’s friends to keep the peace in your own relationship. Yes, I’ve tolerated the “bad drunk” and the egotistical know-it-all that Nick seemed to adore for some strange reason. But, overall I’ve found that as the years pass I have more confidence in just spending time with those people who make me feel fulfilled, inspired, safe, and loved for my true self, and hopefully I am doing the same for them.  And this year, I’m seeking this out very intentionally because it can’t do anything but good!

It took me a couple decades to realize my best friends are family. 

We laugh until we cry every time we get together...here I think we  were trying to look in the same direction for a photo together and just couldn't get it together. someone had a wandering eye in every photo so we just gave up.

Our little brother, "Pet". Our mom told us we couldn't have a pet in the house because we had a baby brother instead, so we started calling him Pet and the name stuck. The Siu siblings are the best.

My cousin and 2nd sister--we have always lived thousands of miles apart but everyone who meets us when we're together always says, "wow, you guys think exactly the same"

Update on my health goals as some of you have been asking again: In the last month I’ve lost 9 pounds. Last week I didn’t lose any weight at all and it really has me down today.  I can definitely do better. I am still dedicated to exercising 5-6 days a week. I’ve worked up to running 12K at one time, and 40K a week.  I know I can do 10K in an hour pushing a stroller. But…my eating habits are BAD on the weekends and amazing on week days.  I really need to stop putting crap into my body from Friday night to Monday morning.  In May we are headed to a family wedding and I am making it my goal for the next 2 months to be super disciplined in my eating and fit into the dress I just bought J

Finally Focused

Down 9 pounds in 3 weeks as of today!  I have finally found it within me to turn around bad habits that have plagued me for the last year.  It was like getting pregnant was an instant excuse to eat really bad stuff, but what happened is I developed a nice little carb and sugar addiction that is so hard to curb.

Here’s what I’m doing that I think is making a big difference:

·         Drinking 3L of water a day: I bought a 2L plastic container to measure how much I am drinking and fill it 1.5 times a day. I don’t go to bed until 3L are consumed.  It fills me up between meals and it is HUGELY central to losing weight.

·         Not eating after dinner: no more night time snacking. I am drinking coffee, Coke Zero, skinny lattes (35 calories) instead.  Dinner gets packed into containers right away and I either freeze it if it’s a lot of put it in Nick and Liam’s lunches for the next day. No more pecking on dinner leftovers!

·         Meal planning for the whole week and building my grocery list based only on what is needed—and keeping only to the items on my list once I get to the grocery store.  No more coming home with random impulse buys, including cereal or crackers. If Nick wants to eat something outside the plan he can—but I’m not enabling anyone in our house by buying it.

·         Smoothie for breakfast: to motivate the whole family into eating a really good breakfast, I bought a new smoothie blender—PC brand for $30 from Superstore.  The blender container also functions as a to-go cup so it goes in the car with Nick or me every morning. We blend frozen chopped spinach, berries, Greek yogurt, ½ banana, ice and milk. Liam even likes it—I bought him a special Spiderman cup that he loves, and that’s one way I get him to eat dark green veggies every day.  

·         Eating every 3-4 hours

·         Limiting carbs.  I’m only eating brown rice and quinoa. I found macaroni noodles made from brown rice the other day and made mac and cheese, hiding a cup of pureed carrots in the cheese sauce too.  I stopped eating bread, crackers, baked goods. I measure 1 cup of carbs at lunch and dinner and that’s it for carb servings in a day.

·         I “cheat” on weekends. It’s planned out and purposeful. I can get away with 2 meals a week that go against all the rules around eating I've set for myself. After that, the scale is NOT my friend.

That’s the eating department update.  As for being active, each week I am doing 2-3 boot camp classes, 1 spin class, and running 1-2 times (somewhere between 8 and 10K each time).  I plan my mornings around working out—no exceptions.  A few days ago I ran 8K in 50 minutes pushing Alex in the stroller. It’s not super fast but just 2 months ago I couldn't run longer than 5 minutes without needing to take a break. I've come to realize that I’m not going to be a faster runner or lose “baby fat” without pushing myself to the point of feeling uncomfortable—it’s got to hurt a bit for there to be progress. If I am not dripping sweat at the end of a workout I consider it a waste of my time.

When you live in Victoria you have no excuse to get outside and run! Here is my favorite run route, on the Galloping Goose Trail:

I feel better mentally. It’s too soon to look noticeably different, but what it does for peace of mind is worth all of this effort.  I’m not beating myself up anymore because I know I’m doing everything I possibly can to be healthier and in better shape.  Now, the goal is to keep going and not try to outsmart my own body by veering off my eating and working out plan and seeing what I can get away with.

I know now that this lifestyle is totally doable with 2 young kids. Really, anything is possible if you want it badly enough. There are no excuses!