Girls Weekend

Last weekend I went on my first all-girls weekend trip ever. Well, it was 8 girls and little 4 month old Alex.  It took 34 years to do this surprisingly but it was worth the wait – who would not want to wake up to this view:

What I learned on this trip:

-          I feel guilty going away without my family –like I don’t deserve it and am being negligent by going away. I spent a lot of time wondering if I’d be resented when I got home. Surprise—it was all good.

-          Going away without my family in tow is not selfish and does not yield disastrous results upon return. It makes me appreciate them more and Nick and Liam had a great time without me building a fort in the living room and eating pizza in it, having a beach day and movie afternoon.

-          I drive fast on mountainous roads.

-          When 8 women go away together the dishes are always immediately done.

-          Laughing heartily to the point of tears is not something that should just be reserved for people in my family—it can happen with people I’ve just met and that’s a good thing.

-          Alex is a terrible sleeper when not in his own crib. 

-          It’s good to be flexible. The planner in me can relinquish control and let others do it, and it all works out.

-          There are some amazing women in Victoria. I am excited to get to know them on a deeper level after this trip. For me, a real connection with people is important and I know I was able to do that in just 2 days.

-          Going away does not provide an automatic “OK” to drink and eat in excess or to sit on your butt all day long.  While there seemed to be an inordinate amount of peanut butter and hummus consumed, we pre-planned healthy meals. We hiked 6K along the Wild Pacific Trail and Bethany and I ran the trail Saturday morning.  It was good to weigh myself the next day and find that I lost 1.5 lbs that week.  When’s the last time you went on vacation and lost weight?! (My answer until last week: uh, NEVER.)

At the end of the Wild Pacific Trail this is the scene that greets you. Best running route ever.

Thank you ladies for a wonderful time. We will be doing this again.

7 weeks, 10 pounds and 9.25 inches lost

Today I got up enough nerves to have Trish (BDHQ Baby Bootcamp trainer) do my measurements, 7 weeks after I posted my starting point (see "My Hill to Die on" post from Feb 13th).  I know I spent most of January and February eating poorly and that I probably wasn't making much progress in the weight loss/inches lost departments.  But having this blog and committing to reporting out on my progress or lack thereof has created some real accountability in me. I felt a need to face the truth today, and I was pleasantly surprised:

Chest: 39.5 (down 2.5 inches)
Waist:  36.5 (down 3 inches)
Hips: 41 inches (down 1.5 inches)
Thigh: 22.5 inches (down 1 inch each)
Bicep: Left: 10.5 (down 0.5 inches) Right 10.5 (up 0.25 inches)
Total inches lost: 9.25
Total pounds lost: 10

While I know I can do better, I'll take any kind of progress and celebrate that at the very least, I'm headed in the right direction.  I'm setting more aggressive goals for myself in the next 6 weeks because I know I can do it, and telling you all about them will make me feel that much more motivated to actually just git 'er done :)
We are headed to a family wedding in 6 weeks and there's nothing like a reunion to motivate (or scare) a person into losing more weight. I've also purchased a dress I want to wear and while it fits, I resemble a sausage encased in tubing that is too small at the moment.  So in 6 weeks my goal is 10 more pounds and to wear the dress without serious shame!  How I will do this successfully:

1. Drink 4L of water every day, and don't wait until the afternoon to start guzzling!
2. eliminate bread, refined sugar, saturated fats
3. Allow myself one cheat meal a week, not one cheat day, and not several cheat days as I've been doing
4. stick to lean protein (chicken breast, tofu, turkey, tuna, etc.)
5. Eat a giant salad every day to meet my 5 cups of veggies requirement
6. Never, EVER give up. Don't write off the day just because of one bad choice. Get back up and keep fighting--there is no time for complacency here!

The reason why I am doing this in the first place--to be around a long time for my babies and  teach them through my actions what a healthy lifestyle is so that they too can live their best life.

I want to thank Sarah for her eating plan advice and for coaching me in the exact way that motivates me (a blend of encouragement and challenge to do just a little bit more when I am about to give up), and for all my friends and family who patiently listen to me blither on about my workouts, diet, and thoughts on being healthy for life. I love you all!

The goal is to wear this dress like it's my job!

the 6 way mirror

Yesterday I went to buy running socks at Lululemon and came out with socks and extreme frustration with myself.  I am not sure if it was more motivating or depressing to try on a bunch of clothes on a whim at Lululemon and view myself at all angles of their two 3-way mirrors in the changeroom.  I stared in disbelief at all angles of my torso and thought, “oh my god. This is soooo bad. How have you let yourself get away with this?”  I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  I realized I have trained my eyes to look at only certain parts of me that I like in my mirror at home.  I really did think I looked a bit better than the image that stared back at me. So for the past day I’ve been trying to put self-deprecating thoughts out of my head, and turn my energy towards something positive.  If I don’t like how I look, I alone have the power to change that.  I need to quit whining and be kind to myself instead.  I have lost 9 pounds since mid-February when I actually started trying to lose weight gained from my pregnancy. That’s a lot less than I’d hoped for, but of course I’ll take any weight loss and I suppose that’s something to celebrate.  I feel as though I’m doing as much physical activity as my lifestyle and body can withstand right now; I work out 5 to 6 days a week and 3 of those days is straight running for an hour or more. I’ve come a long way since February in this department—I can run 10K in an hour again and last week I ran 30K in 3 days. I’ll work up the courage to measure inches (and hopefully inches lost) next week and report out on that.  So that’s the good part. What is so very demotivating is thinking about all that sweat and hard work I put into working out almost every day and that it’s not really yielded a big change to my appearance.  It is totally true; losing weight is mostly about diet, not exercise.  You need both but you REALLY need to watch what you eat.

 And, my eating is just not under control.  It seems strange to have this problem given how aware I am of what my weight loss goals are.  But knowing what I want to look like isn’t motivating me to actually get myself there.  I don’t eat enough during the day and then come dinner time I am ravenous and rack up too many calories from 6pm onwards.  My discipline with eating totally shuts off on Fridays and returns on Mondays—and those weekend days basically negate any weight loss from healthy eating during the week.  It’s like I want to reward myself for eating clean for 4 days but all I’m doing is sabotaging those 4 days.  I have thought long and hard about my bad eating issues and have arrived at the conclusion that at the root of this dysfunctional behavior is fear of losing control.  Fear of trying really hard to succeed at weight loss but failing nonetheless. I think I’m afraid of doing everything I can to lose weight and at the end of the day, looking exactly the same as I do today. That would be devastating to work so hard and not have anything change.  So, if I just make myself fail at weight loss by eating like a goat (i.e. eating everything I can lay my hands on) in the evenings and on weekends , I at least could control that and be able to explain the consequences. It is a scary thing for me to give up control and just trust that what I’m doing will yield great results at the end, but until I can do that, I think I will just continue to sabotage my success. Perhaps I need to turn my perspective around: I am not giving up control—I am actually giving myself power to be successful.  I have power to make healthy choices, both in what I eat and whether I’m going to work out hard, every single minute of every single day.  That means I still am in control!

Writing this blog post has helped me refocus.  I am still not ok with what I saw in the mirror yesterday but I’m not going to let that be the main take away from that whole experience. 

Ok, this is not the reflection that was staring back at me in the mirror yesterday. Although this goat (from Beacon Hill Park) is pretty cute and I think he was trying to eat my phone.

friends

Some people make friends easily. I don’t think I’m one of those people.

Here’s how I view me: I like people and I want people to like me. But I’m not myself until long after I feel it’s safe to reveal that with others. It takes a lot of energy out of me to meet new people and get to the point of feeling comfortable and safe.  I try my best to be chatty but often as I hear the small talk spilling out of my mouth I think, “my God, listen to you, Raeleen. You are so boring and way too serious.”  That I am sure is a self confidence issue that I should really work on, and it is probably hindering some really great potential friendships.  So, pathetic as this goal may sound, I have made 2013 the year of making friends.  To me this means reaching out to people I don’t know well (yet), going out more and not feeling like I am desperately needed at home every night, and renewing friendships that I’ve not put time into lately. This is a great year, being on mat leave, to do this. 

After getting married, studying in my MBA program, and especially after having 2 kids I found myself being a bit of a homebody and loving time with just myself.  It’s not that I’m driven to be more social now because I’m lonely; in fact, it is such a novelty to be alone these days!  And, as much as I love being with my family, I know what’s good for me and that’s to venture out of my little cave.    

So since the new year started, I have a standing date once a week with a very good friend who is also on mat leave now. We get our kids together but really it’s so we can talk (in between barking at our children who like to bolt from us towards deep water or traffic).  I signed up for a half marathon this June and am training with a bunch of like-minded and incredibly inspiring girls each week.  I joined a baby bootcamp and connected with moms who have the same health and fitness goals as I do. I don’t wait to be invited to anything…if I want to be a part of something I invite myself.  And, I say “yes” to pretty much every invite from people whether it’s coffee or a Sunday morning run.  In a few weeks I’m headed on my first girls getaway weekend in at least 10 years.  I don’t even know some of the people going but we’re sharing a house so I am sure I’ll know everyone pretty well at the end of the weekend. 

It’s strange but fascinating how our circle of friends changes throughout time. I’ve had friends for all of these phases: high school, university, first jobs, moving to new cities, breaking up with a boyfriend , entering a new relationship, having kids, going back to school to do my masters, getting married. These life events seem to mark the end to some friendships and the beginning of new ones. I used to think that it was a bad thing if I didn’t keep in touch with every single friend I’d ever had and wonder what was wrong with me that I seemed to connect with a different set of people every few years.  I never did have a BFF for life. (I had a sister who annoyed me and a brother 11 years younger than me.  I didn't see them as options for friends, although now we are so close.)  But now I think that’s totally normal. My sister noted it took until her late 20’s to feel as though she was confident with all of her friendships, that she had power to stop some and start new ones, that each friendship was a choice and it was healthy. Wise words; I agree.In high school we are friends with some people because we need to have friends and fit in. Even if some of those people don't respect us you just grin and bear it.  Even now, I’m sure some of you will agree that you are “tolerantly friendly” with some of your significant other’s friends to keep the peace in your own relationship. Yes, I’ve tolerated the “bad drunk” and the egotistical know-it-all that Nick seemed to adore for some strange reason. But, overall I’ve found that as the years pass I have more confidence in just spending time with those people who make me feel fulfilled, inspired, safe, and loved for my true self, and hopefully I am doing the same for them.  And this year, I’m seeking this out very intentionally because it can’t do anything but good!

It took me a couple decades to realize my best friends are family. 

We laugh until we cry every time we get together...here I think we  were trying to look in the same direction for a photo together and just couldn't get it together. someone had a wandering eye in every photo so we just gave up.

Our little brother, "Pet". Our mom told us we couldn't have a pet in the house because we had a baby brother instead, so we started calling him Pet and the name stuck. The Siu siblings are the best.

My cousin and 2nd sister--we have always lived thousands of miles apart but everyone who meets us when we're together always says, "wow, you guys think exactly the same"

Update on my health goals as some of you have been asking again: In the last month I’ve lost 9 pounds. Last week I didn’t lose any weight at all and it really has me down today.  I can definitely do better. I am still dedicated to exercising 5-6 days a week. I’ve worked up to running 12K at one time, and 40K a week.  I know I can do 10K in an hour pushing a stroller. But…my eating habits are BAD on the weekends and amazing on week days.  I really need to stop putting crap into my body from Friday night to Monday morning.  In May we are headed to a family wedding and I am making it my goal for the next 2 months to be super disciplined in my eating and fit into the dress I just bought J

Finally Focused

Down 9 pounds in 3 weeks as of today!  I have finally found it within me to turn around bad habits that have plagued me for the last year.  It was like getting pregnant was an instant excuse to eat really bad stuff, but what happened is I developed a nice little carb and sugar addiction that is so hard to curb.

Here’s what I’m doing that I think is making a big difference:

·         Drinking 3L of water a day: I bought a 2L plastic container to measure how much I am drinking and fill it 1.5 times a day. I don’t go to bed until 3L are consumed.  It fills me up between meals and it is HUGELY central to losing weight.

·         Not eating after dinner: no more night time snacking. I am drinking coffee, Coke Zero, skinny lattes (35 calories) instead.  Dinner gets packed into containers right away and I either freeze it if it’s a lot of put it in Nick and Liam’s lunches for the next day. No more pecking on dinner leftovers!

·         Meal planning for the whole week and building my grocery list based only on what is needed—and keeping only to the items on my list once I get to the grocery store.  No more coming home with random impulse buys, including cereal or crackers. If Nick wants to eat something outside the plan he can—but I’m not enabling anyone in our house by buying it.

·         Smoothie for breakfast: to motivate the whole family into eating a really good breakfast, I bought a new smoothie blender—PC brand for $30 from Superstore.  The blender container also functions as a to-go cup so it goes in the car with Nick or me every morning. We blend frozen chopped spinach, berries, Greek yogurt, ½ banana, ice and milk. Liam even likes it—I bought him a special Spiderman cup that he loves, and that’s one way I get him to eat dark green veggies every day.  

·         Eating every 3-4 hours

·         Limiting carbs.  I’m only eating brown rice and quinoa. I found macaroni noodles made from brown rice the other day and made mac and cheese, hiding a cup of pureed carrots in the cheese sauce too.  I stopped eating bread, crackers, baked goods. I measure 1 cup of carbs at lunch and dinner and that’s it for carb servings in a day.

·         I “cheat” on weekends. It’s planned out and purposeful. I can get away with 2 meals a week that go against all the rules around eating I've set for myself. After that, the scale is NOT my friend.

That’s the eating department update.  As for being active, each week I am doing 2-3 boot camp classes, 1 spin class, and running 1-2 times (somewhere between 8 and 10K each time).  I plan my mornings around working out—no exceptions.  A few days ago I ran 8K in 50 minutes pushing Alex in the stroller. It’s not super fast but just 2 months ago I couldn't run longer than 5 minutes without needing to take a break. I've come to realize that I’m not going to be a faster runner or lose “baby fat” without pushing myself to the point of feeling uncomfortable—it’s got to hurt a bit for there to be progress. If I am not dripping sweat at the end of a workout I consider it a waste of my time.

When you live in Victoria you have no excuse to get outside and run! Here is my favorite run route, on the Galloping Goose Trail:

I feel better mentally. It’s too soon to look noticeably different, but what it does for peace of mind is worth all of this effort.  I’m not beating myself up anymore because I know I’m doing everything I possibly can to be healthier and in better shape.  Now, the goal is to keep going and not try to outsmart my own body by veering off my eating and working out plan and seeing what I can get away with.

I know now that this lifestyle is totally doable with 2 young kids. Really, anything is possible if you want it badly enough. There are no excuses!

the little things need to become the big things

As if in slow motion, today I watched as my little Alex flipped out of the stroller in his car seat, face down onto the pavement. The car seat did a complete somersault on the ground and settled on its side with Alex still hanging in there. I was out for a run with BDHQ’s baby bootcamp class and heading back to the gym when I turned a corner with the stroller and the car seat tipped out.  I knelt down on the ground in front of Alex, who is 13 weeks old, having visions of cracked skulls and heading to Emergency, but Alex just looked at me and blinked after his ordeal.  He is totally fine (but of course I hope someday his friends don’t ask, “Hey Alex, did your mom drop you when you were little?”).  Thank God.

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t really process things real time. It takes me a little while to think about what really happened and how I felt about it; I guess you could say I don’t usually live in the moment. My brain is in its own little world trying to think one step ahead, and sometimes that means missing what is happening in front of my face.  Today I didn’t really think about Alex’s near miss until much later in the day.  I continued on with bootcamp pretty calmly with my focus on just getting this workout over.  But when I got into the truck and drove home I started to think about what happened, which progressed into thoughts about how I was lucky my son was not in an ambulance right now, which progressed into more thoughts about how life is fragile, and therefore one must make the most of the little things because they can so quickly change. Nothing like having kids to remind you of how old we are getting, and that time passes ever so quickly the older we get. This is no epiphany; we all know and say stuff like, “life is short; make the most of it.” But are we actually living that way?

I thought about how it was just yesterday that I introduced Liam to the ocean, dipping his 5 month old toes into the frigid Pacific.  3 years later, he owns his first wetsuit and jumps into and cackles at the cold ocean waves.  Where did all that time in between go?  It was spent with me working fulltime, pushing him off to daycare in the mornings and rushing through the evenings with him so he could get to bed at a reasonable hour and leave me with some time to do more work.  With the exception of the first year of his life when I was on mat leave, Liam has spent and will spend the majority of his waking hours for the rest of his life with other people.  And in November when I return to work from mat leave, sweet little Alex will begin the same fate. How heartbreaking to think I am letting their lives pass me by.

In the evenings when Liam comes home from preschool I’m preoccupied with making dinner, doing laundry, starting the bedtime routine, etc. He often begs me, “Mom, watch me play! Watch this! Please Mom, look at me!”  And instead of seeing this as an invitation into his world I see it as a totally annoying request because I’m busy doing “important” things. He’ll say, “Mom, you not going to the gym or work today?” as his way of asking me to stay with him.  I know when he is a sullen teen I’ll give anything to hear these words. I’m busying myself with things that are so not important in the grand scheme of life, processing Liam and Alex’s little needs way after they happen. I have written so passionately about my weight loss goals and how important being healthy is to me.  Well, who gives a damn if I’m a size 2 but my kids are indifferent towards me. 

I’m not a negligent mom...it’s not below me to don a superhero helmet and pretend I’m Spiderman at Liam’s request, or sing silly songs cross-eyed to try and make Alex laugh. But it doesn’t happen enough in my opinion and that really needs to change. I’m not going to quit my job or stop my quest for being fit for life—but I do need to make it a goal to find some much-needed balance between all my personal goals and being their mom.

I don’t want to wistfully read this blog entry years from now. I want my little guys when they turn into big guys say, “My mom is awesome—she was there for me.”  This is not an area of my life where mediocrity will do!

Alex’s near face-plant this morning was a good wakeup call for me…not only to read up on stroller safety but to love my little mini men fiercely in the moment.

Momma love: going cross-eyed so Alex's little developing eyes don't feel left out and wearing Liam's wolf hat  out in public at his request

********************************************************************************

Oh, and some of you have asked me about where I’m at with my fitness goals.  Update, update: lost 3 pounds this week. I was not perfect with my eating but clearly I did something right.  Ate small meals throughout the day, ate 2 servings of carbs a day, cut out sugar (except in fruits). Cheated on the weekend but did so intentionally (i.e. I planned for it and didn’t black out and eat a bunch of garbage without realizing it).  Goal for this week: keep doing what I’m doing, and NEVER see that number on the scale again.

No more f-ing around

There comes a breaking point for everyone where you just have to say to yourself, “That’s it. I’m done with f-ing around with my bad [eating, exercising, or whatever it is that’s making you unhappy and unhealthy] habits. This has to change right now."  I’m at that point today.  I had a really great 4 days of what I call total debauchery with eating and drinking in Tofino. Yes, I got out for a run twice, a really hard, dripping sweat run uphill by the ocean. But working out every day for an hour does nothing towards my weight loss goals if I eat crap. Crap meaning a lot of stuff with refined sugar (such as chocolate, marshmallows), carbs (pasta, potatoes), booze (love champagne, beer, anything that’s cold and carbonated and alcoholic!), and very few green or colorful veggies.  Sometimes I wonder, why do I even bother working out if I can’t get my eating in order.  Oh, and breastfeeding burning up to 500 calories a day is either a myth or it does a psychological number on my brain thinking that, “hey, I am burning calories just feeding my baby so I can eat this {cake, bag of popcorn, etc.} and I’ll just magically burn it off!”  Well for me it just doesn’t happen. 

So I enjoyed myself, made some not so great food choices and today the scale is NOT my friend.  I’m frustrated, annoyed, and motivated to eat better.  I need see that number go down pretty soon or I am going to give up…I know myself well enough to know this is what I do when I don’t see progress.  I’ve been back to working out for 6 weeks and it’s very depressing to have not lost 1 pound.  I have more muscle definition in my shoulders and arms, I can run 8K without dying, so there is some progress –all is totally not lost.  But nobody wants to work this hard and not see pounds come off.

Michele (BDHQ Director) suggested a couple weeks ago that I should just eat clean for 72 hours, because that’s how long it takes to start feeling more energetic and not wanting that feeling to go away…I know this from personal experience but it is just so hard to start again for some reason.  She said, “sometimes just to get started you need to make some rules for yourself and stick them on your fridge.”  So, it’s taken a couple weeks for that to absorb but as of today I am going to do this. 

My goal: clean eating for 72 hours.  Lean protein in every meal. 5-6 small meals a day. 3L of water. 2 servings of carbs a day, preferably upfront in the day and not late at night. No sugar (except in fruits). I’m not counting calories.  I may have a glass of wine, but it’s not going to be a free pour. This guideline is going on my fridge tonight.  I want you all to hold me to it, and don’t give me excuses for failure!