open letter to the guy who's ghosting me

I’m writing to you because it is worth my time to tell you these words. If I didn’t care about you as a human being I would not bother and I would walk away from you.  Everything I am about to say to you comes from a place of compassion. I am compassionate towards you because you are human, humans make mistakes, humans regret things sometimes, and at a very basic level, I cannot judge you because I am also imperfect and human too!   I just ask that you read this and consider what I have to say.  I wanted to tell you these things in person, but I respect your need for space.  So as much as I do not prefer writing a letter, I feel as though you have given me no choice but to communicate like we did in high school passing notes back and forth to each other. And to be honest, the way this is going down feels very high school.

Here’s what I see: I have spent a lot of time, intense time, with you in the last weeks.  And then on Friday you were not responsive. It felt like you were avoiding me and going cold.  I do not want to make assumptions on why you need space (is it something I did? Is it you getting scared that things moved too fast?).  But I would like to know, if you are willing to share that with me. 

So here’s how your behaviour made me feel: I, like you, am an emotional and sensitive soul.  I feel things deeply and I will blame myself first if something doesn’t seem right.  I feel confused that you can be so distant so suddenly.  I am sad that you did not empathize and see that I would be hurt if you walked away suddenly. So while you were going about your life for the last 4 days, I was hurt wondering why you did not take the time to communicate and give me clarity on what you needed.  I thought about the story you told me of the girls you’d meet in your 20’s and you would lead them on….and then have to apologize later for hurting them.  My gut tells me this is a repeat pattern and it was my turn to experience this. 

So while I have not felt very good at all the last 4 days, I know that there is no way I can make you understand what this has done to me. The only thing I can control is my actions.  I cannot control you, or your thoughts, or your behaviour.  I cannot even control my own thoughts.  But I can control what I do now, going forward.  I have decided that writing you this letter is a good way to articulate our situation, and I have decided that what I am going to say to you next is what I’d like you to hear.

1. Be authentic and vulnerable

I know it bothers you a lot to be called a fake. You have told me you want to be real, open and honest.  My experience over 3 weeks with you is that you are authentic until things get awkward and hard.  Then you retreat and disappear.  You become the opposite of all the words you use to describe yourself.  You found it very easy to tell me your life story and about all your successes. You presented a compelling picture of yourself. I just wanted to tell you I see past all of that success and work and know that there are some insecurities underneath that.   And how amazing would it be if you let those shine too? Expose that shit! We are human, and we can’t be amazing all the time. We all have our faults. You do not have to disappear when you don’t feel amazing. In fact, you would be exponentially more amazing if you didn’t ghost me when you weren’t feeling on top of your world. 

1. Try to do it differently—so that you don’t repeat your mistakes

As a well known figure within this community, you will undoubtedly garner respect.  And as a physically attractive person you could also probably have any girl you want.  You can use that to your advantage. Sure, I was intrigued by your success, your work ethic, your rewards and recognition to date.  I say this out of love for you as a human being; if you abuse this you will just attract the same kind of girl over and over—the one that wants to brag about being with you and maybe does not love you for you.  If you want someone who can hold their own and match your work ethic, as you told me you wanted, you will need to do things very differently going forward.  If you go about your life the same way you always have in the way you meet and date women, of course you will always have the same results.  Wasn’t it Albert Einstein who said, “the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results”?  And, I think you told me that that has not been a successful strategy so far in your life.  Maybe let a girl outshine you sometimes and see how that feels to support someone who is very successful in their own right?  Maybe let a girl take you for dinner? Or pay her share of a vacation? Maybe let a girl give you real advice about how to do business, or how to live a healthy life?  It’s scary to give up control and power in a relationship.  But perhaps this is the action you need to try to see if you come up with a different result? 

2. It’s normal to have conflicting emotions

I understand that you are going through a lot of heavy emotions.  Speaking from experience, I know the raw emotion – that sadness and anger of realizing your marriage is over and your children may suffer from it.  It is devastating even if you both chose to end it.  But it is possible to feel despair and happiness at the same time.  It is possible to feel that trauma of ending a family unit and a relationship with your spouse, but at the same time feel euphoric in a new relationship with another person.  These feelings can coexist.  It takes some time to process and talk through. 

I am here for you as a friend.  But I know that from a relationship stand point, I deserve someone who is interested in me and my feelings, not just their own.  I am interested in someone who is consistent, who has integrity, and is willing to take some major risks for me, as I would be for them.  For everything I had to experience and work through last year, this is not the reward I am seeking.  I worked way too hard last year to call this “worth all of that.”   

My dear, you are an amazing person. I find so many compelling things about you.  I am attracted to you but I am also disappointed in you.  I am disappointed that you sell yourself hard for 3 weeks, and then you disappear.  I am disappointed that you say you want to be present, open and honest, but you are the opposite of that.  I don’t want you to worry about what I think of you though.   What matters is what you change in your life for the better.  I was doing great before I met you, I did great while I knew you, and I will do even better moving on from this.  I wish you the same greatness going forward now. I am grateful for this experience of knowing you. Thank you for an amazing 3 weeks. Thank you for showing me the successful parts of your world.  It was an honour to see that part of you.  And now, I can say thank you for quickly turning and showing me your faults.  I am grateful to see this part of you too. 

I am sure our paths will cross again, and I hope they do. And I hope when that does happen, we are truly joyful and living the lives we have worked so hard to attain.