32 days left of mat leave

It’s been quite the summer.  For whatever reason I've fallen out of writing each week in my blog.  It's not because I don't have anything to say! Part of it is because my iPhone camera got water damaged and I have been waiting for some updated photos to put in my blog. But from now on no more excuses; writing is healthy for me and I am back on it!

Today marks the last month I will be on maternity leave.  I have been really struggling with the upcoming adjustment in my head.  I have loved this year raising my boys.  I enjoyed my first mat leave but the stress of having a baby the first time around was so much greater and my eagerness to return to work and socialize with adults was a lot greater.  Perhaps it's because I know I am not going to be on maternity leave ever again and that this chapter in my life is closing. Perhaps it's a lot of things, but what I do know is I'm starting to spin in circles in my head thinking about the 4 weeks I have left, and how to make the most of them.  I can feel a big crying session is brewing inside me but it’s not ready to happen until I can articulate why.  I think part of it is knowing that for the rest of my sons' lives, they will be spending the majority of their days, year after year, with someone else.  A daycare, a school, friends, etc.  This is the only year in their lives that I get to spend with them for the majority of their waking hours and it's sad! Heartbreaking actually.  I will miss my Monday morning run with Alex in his stroller, which I have done for 9 months along the same path without fail.  I will miss my Wednesday trips to the park or the beach with Liam and Alex to visit their little friends and visit with my very good friend. I will really miss baby bootcamp and the wonderful people who are part of that community. But it's a choice we made that I need to return to work so I will "put on my big girl pants" as they say, and deal with it. 

So, with about 32 days to go before I return to work, I am in reflective mode on what I've done for myself this past year as well.  It's easy to start falling into a self-deprecating game. A little bit of being hard on yourself can be good motivation, but today I feel like being good to myself. I've done a lot if I think about it.   I am proud of the fact that I will have completed two half marathons while on maternity leave.  I ran a very hilly 20K last weekend in under 2 hours and didn’t even feel sore the next day.   This is the best quote I came across recently that describes how I feel about running:

 

And, I am proud that I shed all the pregnancy weight before returning to work. Today, I am comfortably back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, a size 8.  I don’t have to buy bigger back-to-work clothes.  AND, I am really proud that I lost weight the healthy way and am much stronger (physically) for it.  Perhaps the most important achievement has been acting on my words that my journey is never over.  I am not stopping now just because I achieved some major health goals.  I want to be in the best shape I've ever been when I turn 35, and in even better shape when I turn 36, etc. etc.  Why should I accept anything less than excellence for my health, right?   I just came across the picture below, taken at my heaviest, the week I walked into my gym, BDHQ, and started to change my life in 2011.  I cannot believe that is me.  That is humiliating and embarrassing and I've thought long and hard about whether I want to share these with anyone.  But I also find it inspiring that this is soooooo not me today, and it never will be again!

 

August 2011

October 2013 (30 pounds less)

 

 

p.s. As an exercise in being open about my weight loss journey, I agreed to be the subject of my gym’s blog today.  As I read what they posted my mouth was dry, I was so nervous.  But I think the right thing to do is tell you about it and let you decide if you want to read about my goals here for the rest of the year.