how it really feels to finish mat leave and go back to work

I wrote this post a month ago and chose not to share it with anyone. But how I felt a month is important to acknowledge so I have decided to share now. Things have changed for me since I wrote this and I will update very soon!

I will be blunt.  I am not in a good place right now.  I have not written a blog post for four months because I know it is going to force me to articulate some uncomfortable thoughts I’ve had recently going on in my life.  Time to write no matter what space I’m in. I remember the last words in my blog were something about being excited about what lay ahead now that my year on mat leave was coming to an end. Truth be told, I was not excited at all but thought, “maybe if I say it, I’ll believe it.”

I had no idea how heartbreaking it would be to return to work. For the first two weeks, I had tears streaming down my face as I entered my office building.  I would be wiping them off my face as the elevator opened to my floor, telling myself  "get it the F*** together already!"-- so mad that I was this upset about something that every other working mom does.  I am not a crier and I pride myself on being really strong. But this time, heading back to work felt wrong on many levels.

Suddenly there is almost no time for just me.  I’ve gone from working out 6 days a week to 3-4 times a week. My eating habits are BAD—not enough water, too much sugar and carbs, way too much caffeine.  I work almost every evening (a few times until 3am) and weekends, just to be ready for the next day. Truly this is not by choice—I took on a new job with high expectations and it has sucked every free hour out of me for the last 2 months.  I get 6 hours of sleep a night if I’m lucky. I am still getting over a sinus infection I picked up at Christmas—worst ‘cold’ in my life. I had to see a specialist about a hip injury caused from running this fall, and was told not to run for 2 months, and when I could start again I can only do it twice a week.  Running used to be my sanity regulator and with that stripped away it was the last straw.  It’s like everything fell apart between November and now: my body, my good habits, my focus, my happiness. I am on the verge of losing it every day—I cannot keep going on like this.

So here it is, March 1^st, and I find myself 10 pounds heavier than when I finished mat leave in November.  My clothes are tight…why did I work so hard last year just to gain all this weight back?  For the first time in 3 years I’ve thought about not showing up to the gym because why bother, I’m destined to be fat for the rest of my life.   My brain knows all the things I need to do to pull myself out of this rut: take one day at a time. Just show up to the gym.  Pick one thing for the week like drinking 3L water a day and just focus on one small change. Make sure I have healthy food in the fridge so I can make good choices. Blah blah blah.  I just feel so defeated I don’t even know how I can start doing these things again.

Ok. There ends the doom and gloom.  I may feel like the universe is hammering me from all directions, but really, I'm very much contained within the first world problems realm.  I do have one super amazing piece of news that has happened since returning to work.  Along with 2 other amazing women, I ‘won’ my gym’s ambassador challenge for 2014, meaning BDHQ picked me and 2 other women they believe in to be ambassadors for them and in exchange, I get free classes and personal training at both their locations  all year long. here we are at 730am on a Saturday morning about to get our butts kicked at bootcamp...

 I have no excuse—2014 is my year – the year I hit my goal weight, get super fit, and connect to the awesome BDHQ community. I love love love this challenge and I really am up for it. It’s time to face my biggest fear, which is never successfully losing weight and reaching my health goals.  Time to stop victimizing myself and overthinking everything, and just get it done.