success on vacation!

For the past 8 days I have been away from home visiting family.  I have never gone on vacation and lost weight (or even maintained weight) because I feel as though I’ve earned the right to let everything I do with rigid precision at home go. Well, this time I am pleased to report a 3 pound weight loss, an hour or more of workouts 6 out of the 8 days, and most importantly, some learning about myself and what I am capable of doing if I set my mind to it.

Just thinking “wouldn’t it be nice if I ate healthy food and exercised every day while I'm away?” is not enough to actually get it done.  I told everyone I was visiting (my parents, sister and cousin) what my intentions were and asked them for some support.  I asked my sister to map me a running route around her house in Toronto so I could keep up with my half marathon training, where we are running 14K at this point.  I thought ahead about the fact that I would be travelling yesterday when our second 14K run was scheduled, so I decided to do it 2 days earlier in Winnipeg. Big thanks to my cousin who drove me around the Assiniboine River and showed me an 8K running path the night before.  My brother-in-law was teaching a hot yoga class in Toronto last week and I decided I’d try it out, plus run home afterwards (2.5 hours of exercise that day!).  I asked my bootcamp instructor, Trish, to help keep me accountable and she emailed me 3 different bootcamp exercises I could do anywhere (hotel room, park, etc.). I must admit it was a little awkward doing random plyometric exercises near a playground in Toronto while curious parents and their kids stared at me and Alex, but really who cares, I had to get it done. I basically woke up every morning, tied my hair in a ponytail, got into my workout clothes, and told myself I would have to earn my coffee, breakfast, and hot shower before any of that was going to happen (thank you Michele Shorter for planting that seed in my head!).  I also vowed I would not eat after I had dinner, and it was pretty easy given I was in a hotel room with no kitchen for most of the days.  I used the time I had to run to clear my head, practice being in the moment and appreciating little things like a perfectly placed/timed water fountain I came across in Toronto while I was lost running through some random neighborhood with no water bottle, and a beautiful little community garden along Churchill Drive in Winnipeg and the smell of this combination of vegetables and flowers that reminded me of my grandma’s garden in Rainy River.  I decided to play a little game with myself and say “hi, good morning” to every single person I passed on my 14K runs.  People in Winnipeg were all about it. Some people in Toronto were not but I know it’s because they weren’t expecting it. I felt great all day knowing I’d gotten my workouts out of the way in the morning and it made me want to eat healthy so I wouldn’t ruin the progress I’d just made.  I learned that if you do a bit of pre-planning it is really easy to lose weight on vacation, or at least not lose progress you’ve made at home.

I was so grateful for this opportunity to meet my new nephew, Jesse, who is named after my grandma Jessie who passed away last fall.  I was so grateful to be able to travel on to Winnipeg for a family wedding and catch up with family who I’d last seen under the sad circumstances of my grandma’s funeral. It was an important part of my grieving process to come back and celebrate a happy occasion with these same people. And through all of these joyful moments, it was nice not to feel gross and guilty (from bad eating and no exercise).



my first 14K run - from Willowdale and Sheppard to Yonge and Eglinton and back.  It included some rather long hills like this one, but no big deal thanks to run clinic hill training!

At my cousin's wedding--the dress fits!

 after the yoga class I attended that my brother in law taught. I realize my posture is totally wrong but if you can get past this and appreciate I was about to run 9K after an almost 90 min class, I'd be grateful!

Glendora Park in Toronto--I would run to this park (30min) every day and then do another 30min of bootcamp

this week’s goal: lose weight on vacation

Vacations for me have always meant eating in excess, indulging in every food that is not part of the Canada Food Guide’s 4 food groups, and packing tons of workout clothes only to wear them once (or not at all).  Tomorrow I head across the country to visit family for 8 days.  I’ve worked way too hard on both eating clean and exercising 6 days a week to let it all go. I want to step on that scale when I return home and see brand new numbers I’ve not seen for over a year.  So to try to set myself up for success, I have already asked my sister to find me a 14K route in Toronto to run this weekend as part of my half marathon training.  I also asked my bootcamp trainer to send me a list of things I can do in a hotel gym every day and I committed to running the hotel stairs on one of my days.  I also told my friend I would email her every day after my workouts and to expect news from me daily about what I’ve done.  I’ve never done this much thinking ahead about how to stay in shape on vacation so this will be a little experiment.

I have to say, this week I have felt amazing.  Finally, 3 weeks of working out 6 days a week, drinking 3L of water a day and some serious carbohydrate cutting are paying off.  I’m down 4 pounds in 3 weeks which is an indicator of things heading in the right direction, but what is even better is feeling so much more energetic.  Usually at bootcamp or run clinic when I hear, “let’s run up the side of this mountain…for the 6^th time!” I think, “Oh God, I can’t, I’m about to pass out.”  I don’t know if any of you have run or worked out to the point of tears where all the voices in your head that tell you you’re tired, you can’t do this, etc. come out and you feel like you are losing this whole battle to be in great shape. It’s happened to me twice this past month where I was surprised to find myself crying at the same time I was gasping for air.  This week, oddly enough, I’ve been thinking, “Ok, I can do this, I am totally going to kill it.” And I feel as though I have. Something is changing in my head about what I’m capable of doing and I feel awesome. So interesting how a person’s mindset, combined with good nutrition, being well hydrated and in a pattern of regular exercise contributes to success. 

new mindset!

update

Well, since I last wrote and committed to eating better despite the excuses I have made for myself, I have lost two whole pounds.

I started writing down everything I ate and drank. I ate a lot of vegetables—5 cups a day—and drank 3L of water every day in week one. We even went camping 2 weekends ago and I pre-measured my oats and brought a gigantic bag of vegetables to ensure I didn’t just eat hot dogs and drink beer. This all proved to be successful in week one—I lost 2 pounds. I carried that 3 more days into week 2 of my new eating regime. Then I just went nuts for 4 days. I ate a hot dog one night because I didn’t make time to prep a healthy dinner and I needed to throw something together quickly. The weekend came and my in-laws came for a visit, which has always meant celebrating them being in Victoria with a lot of high fat foods and drinking lots of sparkling wine.  Foods I normally wouldn’t buy were in my fridge and cupboards. I hate wasting and throwing out food so what do I do after a weekend of bad eating? Drink an entire bottle of wine and eat chips and salsa at 11pm Monday night because they were already opened. I didn’t even enjoy my multiple cheat meals because I felt guilty the whole time, knowing I was just taking steps further back from my goals.

Why am I so undisciplined? WHY is this so damn hard for me? I am so frustrated with myself.  It’s not that complicated: eat healthier, keep working out, stick to the plan. It is easy to get into a place of self-loathing but I have been working hard to shush those negative voices in my head. So, bitch fest and self pitying is now over…time to be grateful and look at the positives:

·         I have lost, albeit very slowly, 24 pounds in the past 8 months. Two pounds in two weeks is still two pounds. Bring out the balloons and a party hat—I’m never going to see this number on the scale again.

·         I am just 10 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight and one dress size away from fitting most of my old clothes. Sooooo close.

·         I have the active lifestyle part down. No one has to tell me twice to get off my butt and outside to exercise. I actually love it—something I never ever thought I’d say even just 2 years ago.

·         I’ve built a lot of core strength even after having two kids. We had a little competition in a gym class this past weekend; after an hour of bootcamp drills, we were challenged to hold a plank position for 5 minutes. Only one other person and I did it.

I think planking runs in the family! This is all my son wants to do all day.

·         I’ve got a super supportive spouse. I’m at home with the kids this year—and I choose to run over laundry and dishes all the time.  He actually said to me last week, “I understand if things aren’t done around the house because you are out running or exercising—that’s important.” He takes care of both kids on the days I have run clinic sessions, cleans up after the kids every day and puts our oldest to bed.

·         Really? My biggest suffering is not being able to drop weight fast enough? Total first world problem. I’m so thankful this is the kind of thing I have time to fret about.

·         I have a lot of people rooting for me in this journey. People care and have been so supportive.  I’ve learned in blogging that if you put it all out there, you are blessed with people sharing their own very personal struggles and encouraging you to be successful.

Yup, I can do this. I’m committing to all y’all that I am not giving up, not giving in to my frustration, and that next week there will be some more victories to post about.

I was so successful in week one of reformed eating because i ate A LOT of veggies.  Here's 1 day's worth of vegetables and lean protein

food is 90% of the battle

Today an old friend from high school reminded me, “working out is 5%, diet is 90% and rest is the other 5%” when it comes to healthy living. Awesome. I’ve got 5% of it down.  The healthy eating thing continues to plague me and I’m back to being so frustrated with myself. Weighing myself weekly has become a joke.  I hate the scale. It reads the same number back at me every week these days.  I’m not surprised by that—I know what I’ve put into my body throughout the week. At run clinic sessions I feel so heavy and burdened…I liken it to carrying a blue kettlebell (35 lbs) of excess weight with me all the time. I know my lower back pain flares up because I’m arching my back, overcompensating for the weight that’s sitting in the front.  My whole body is screaming at me to stop the madness and get lean.  It’s not that I don’t know what to do to lose this stupid bundt cake attached to the front of my torso.  It comes down to beating the voices in my head that say, “you can’t do it.” At the root of my inability to become a healthy weight is me buying in to a bunch of excuses:

“you’ve never had defined abs so what makes you think you could have them now in your 30’s”

“you just had a baby. Your skin is stretched, you’re retaining water, you’re of course going to look dumpy because of what your body went through last year”

“you inherited the body shape of an apple on stilts so you are genetically predisposed to looking this way…forever”

“running long distance doesn’t result in weight loss. Once you run 14K and over your body holds on to every calorie you consume so it has energy to make it through the next long run. As long as you keep running half marathons you are not going to lose weight”

“you don’t have time to meal prep”

“it’s not worth choking down protein shakes and kale. Food should be enjoyed—live to eat, not eat to live”

“you don’t have the willpower—you’re not mentally strong enough to stick to it”

“35 pounds is a scary number—it’s a lot of weight which means it will take a really long time. It’s too overwhelming”

“I don’t look THAT bad right now. I can get away with how I look right now and embrace my mediocrity”

“you’ve been trying to lose this weight for 2 years. You haven’t done it yet. What makes you think you’re going to do it ever”

I don’t think those voices of doubt will ever go away. But what I need to do is create a response to every one of those fears and excuses. “F*@# you” is a start but I can be a bit more uplifting to myself than that. Here’s what I’m going to do starting right now:

-          Write down everything I eat. I bought a journal to do this 3 weeks ago and haven’t had the nerve to start yet. Trish (bootcamp instructor) is going to review it once a week

-          Text everything I eat to my friend Sarah who will review it once a day (thanks SK!!) This way on a daily and weekly basis I’ve got to think about my food choices and people will hold me accountable

-          Go back to drinking lots of water.  I’ve been substituting coffee in there a lot these days.  3L minimum a day!!

-          Make black and white rules for myself so there is no room for bad decisions made at moments of weakness (like camping, take out food, etc.)

-          Focus only on a small interim goal for now. I’m headed to Winnipeg for a wedding on August 9.  One month, and the goal is 8 pounds.  Aggressive, yes!  That is what I need or else I make many excuses for myself and cheat

Another old friend from my days in Edmonton also gave me a great mantra recently: “you WILL eat again.”  So true; there is never a need to hammer back food like the apocalypse is here.  And one last quote that I have been thinking about every day: “if you want to look different, you have to do something different.”

So, who is going to join me on the quest to conquer 90% of the battle?  

today is the first day of the rest of my life

I haven’t written for a long time and I apologize for not keeping up with my weekly blog posts. I wanted to write when I had something positive to say.  For the last 4 months I’ve had a strange rash develop and finally I decided to Google my symptoms because it was spreading and changing my skin.  Surprise! It instilled some serious panic because it looked like cancer. Seriously, it most closely aligned to the symptoms and photos of this form of cancer that I found online and believe me, I spent hours looking at everything. 2 days later my family doctor said cancer was a possibility (but not a probability) when he looked at it, as did two other MDs to whom I sent photos. I know, I know. Going online to self-diagnose is the worst idea ever and I’ve learned my lesson; I’ll go straight to the doctor next time and not wait so long.  My mind went to a really dark place last week. I lost 4 pounds in 3 days—not the healthy way, so there is no boasting about my weight loss progress right now. The kind of cancer that it looked like has a 25% survival rate so naturally I went to the worst case scenario and felt sick with fear. The thought that kept circling in my head was, “Not now. There is so much more I need to do.”  I need to be around for my boys. The little guys need their mom, I need them, and Nick and I are not finished our journey by any means.”  I said to my cousin late last week, “I am so scared,” and she summed it up nicely: “you feel this way because you have a life worth living.”  So true.  I do have a life worth living, and I need to get busy living it.  I think I’m doing a decent job right now, but there is always more I could do.  It’s amazing how motivated I am to start doing things differently after last week. Here are Raeleen’s revised life priorities after her mental breakdown and not-so-near brush with death:

·         Be present all the time with my boys. So often I shut off my hyperactive 3 year old’s incessant chatter and go to my happy place. I haul poor Alex in his carseat for hours on some days getting my errands done. I surf my phone when the kids go to bed instead of having a meaningful conversation with Nick.  I’ve got to invest myself more…as a family we deserve and need that. Liam came running out of the house last week as I was driving to my run clinic session. He said, “Mom, can I have a hug and a kiss? Don’t fall on your run and hurt yourself, ok?”  And then he helped me back the car out of the driveway, motioning and pointing towards the road.  Oh my God, what a sweetheart.  I need to be around for this little guy.

·         Lose the damn weight already! I actually thought to myself this week, “I really don’t want to die overweight.”  Time to ramp it up and drop 2 pounds a week.  For the past 2 months I’ve gained and lost the same 5 pounds; I’m not even going to come up with a reason for why this has happened.  Losing weight isn’t about looking good anymore; it’s about being healthy and feeling amazing that a) I am no longer lugging excess weight in my torso while I run half marathons and after my boys at the park, and b)I set about doing something I didn’t really believe I could do but I did it.

·         Start earnestly researching international work opportunities. It’s been a life goal to work somewhere on a 1 year (or longer) assignment and experience a totally different lifestyle.  Having young kids and a spouse with a good job that’s rooted in Victoria makes this one tough…but still, no excuse. Hawaii, here I come!

·         Let go of every conflict I have with others.  I don’t actually have any ongoing conflict with anyone right now, but there are things from my past relationships and friendships that need to be freed from my mind and heart.  I’m not sure whether I need to have a conversation with anyone or if this is just me letting go of weight inside of me…I will keep you posted. Life is too short for bitterness, resentment, bad relationships.

·         Start helping out in my community.  There are people who could use my help. I did not choose the privileged life I was born into. I was gifted with it. All of us who live in Canada above the poverty line have essentially won life’s lottery. All I have to do is think back to the weeks my MBA classmates and I spent in Brazil, and seeing how people along the Amazon River lived. They didn’t choose that life either. Really, I just have first world problems (check out that hashtag, by the way). I will keep you posted on what this translates into.

So what IS this mysterious disease I have?  Diagnosis today: atypical psoriasis. Doesn’t look like “normal psoriasis,” whatever that means.  Most likely brought on by my body overheating through exercise.  How ironic! The physical activity I love and need to do to maintain a healthy lifestyle is wreaking havoc on my skin and especially ON MY BRAIN!

I should say that cancer is a very sensitive topic for some and not to be treated trivially. I do not mean to offend anyone who has lost someone to cancer or is a cancer survivor.  If anything, I have increased respect after last week for you and what you and your families have been through.  Not many people know that my mom was diagnosed with cancer less than a year ago, and endured surgery, chemotherapy and radiation treatments throughout the fall and winter. During this time her own mother passed away and I had baby Alex. There were a lot of intense, emotional moments for our whole family and a renewed appreciation for the gift of life.  After her last radiation appointment, my mom declared to me, “today is the first day of the rest of my life.” I am blessed to not have to go through everything she did in order to understand what she meant. 

these boys are why I have a life worth living!

I accept that I’m a runner, and any other label I am given

I remember 2 years ago walking into a Lululemon store and looking at their running section. I had just started working out – this was at the beginning of my weight loss journey and joining BDHQ.  I was with another girl who had just started working out at BDHQ too. An employee approached us and asked, “Are you runners?” At the exact same time she replied “yes” and I said “no.”  I remember thinking, “I am not a runner…yet. I admire those that are, but I’ve just started, I still don’t look like someone who does any form of exercise at this point, and I don’t deserve that title.”  I felt like if I said yes to that question I opened myself up to being judged based on my physical appearance. I created in my head an image of someone who was leaner, faster, and more hard core than I was, whatever that means. Today, that just sounds so totally dumb when I write these words.  I think back to 2 years ago and realize it was safer and easier to be self-deprecating and think, “Oh god, I need to be so much thinner before I go about telling people I’m a runner.”  The truth is, I saw myself as this overweight inactive person and equated that with a feeling of inferiority.  It had nothing to do with running but that’s where the conflict with perceived self-image and reality first came up for me.

I forgot about this incident until this week when at baby bootcamp class we had to run a steep hill which is about 5 or 6 blocks long pushing babies in strollers. I finally ran the entire hill pushing Alex; this only took 5 months of classes to get it done!!  As I was relishing my small victory, one of the other girls reached the top of the hill and asked me, “How long have you been a runner?” I looked at her and was about to say, “Oh, I’m not a runner,” but stopped myself. What am I thinking? Hells yeah, I am a runner!  I just ran over 60K last week, including my second half marathon (which, by the way, I completed in 2 hours 7 minutes, which is 2 minutes faster than my first). I have about 4 running injuries including a stress fracture in my foot from pounding pavement.  I even have a hat and socks that I only use for running long distances.  But, you know, it’s not the gear I own, or the distance I travel each week on foot, how many races I enter, or how fast my pace is that puts a tick in the “I’m a bona fide runner” box in my life.  It’s really about my attitude towards myself and whether I allow myself to be ok with how I look.  Never mind if I deserve any kind of title; there is no such thing as “deserve”.  It just is what it is.  I like running, I look the way I look, and if you want to label that or not it doesn’t matter.  I don’t have a problem being called a “professional” at work or a “good mom” at home, so why should I beat myself up over this area of my life?

I know there are a lot of people out there who think running sucks.  My answer is yes, yes it does.  It feels uncomfortable for the first 20 minutes or even the first 5K for everyone. It’s easy to get injured if you don’t stretch or run properly. But I promise you it gets awesome once you push through that.  Out of curiosity I read a Harvard University health article today to see how running shapes up to some other activities I’ve done in the last year. In half an hour, a 150 pound person burns 150 calories doing yoga, 170 walking at a 4 mph pace, 225 swimming, and 370 running at a 6 mph pace. One pound = 3500 calories.  It just makes sense to me that running is the best use of your limited time for exercise in a day and it’s the best form of exercise to drop weight efficiently.

I’ve got my name down for a run clinic starting in a couple weeks, I entered the registration lottery for San Francisco’s Nike Women’s Half Marathon in October, and I have plans to run another half marathon this fall in Victoria.  One of the best things that’s happened to me since I started running long distances was proving to myself that I can do something I never thought I was capable of physically doing. My mindset around running for 2 hours or more and 20K or more at a time is now, “yup, it’s totally doable, and even a little fun.” So onwards and upwards for me and running. 

At the Goddess Run in Victoria, smiling because we just passed the 20K marker

Meeting up with friends after the race. These two sisters are so inspiring...I think this was their 14th half marathon and they  finish 10-30 minutes faster than me! 

My training and race day partner, and fellow momma of a 7 month old. We pushed our babies 14K  on some days to train for this half marathon. Well done my friend!!

refocusing and reflecting back

Firstly I want to thank all of you for reading my blog. It’s been viewed almost 1400 times since I started it in February (and no, I don’t count my own pageviews) which is crazy to me that there are people out there who want to read what little old me has to say. Last week’s post (Epic Update) was the first time I let my Facebook community know I had a blog. Which was scary for me. I guess because I still harbor this fear of being judged and it’s easier to continue my struggles in private.  I received so many uplifting and encouraging comments from readers, though, and it validated why I have a blog in the first place. If I can inspire a few others into starting or returning to a healthy lifestyle, then I did more than I ever thought I could with my words. Keep reading, keep commenting, but most importantly, keep thinking about making healthy choices however small they are because they do make a difference.

  This past week I’ve been back to a routine and out of vacation mode. Returning to healthy eating, better sleep, less drinking, and more exercising makes me feel so much more powerful (especially mentally). By powerful I mean energetic and having a sense of control over my life.  I ran over 19K last Saturday as my last training run for the half marathon coming up in FIVE days.  I did that run in just over 2 hours and felt really good despite it being a really hilly route. I dread running long distances until I get it done, so the feeling of putting a tick in the last training day box was probably the best of all.  Just 5 months ago I had a 6 week old baby and could not run more than 3 minutes before having to walk.  I’ve learned that being able to run a half marathon distance has everything to do with disciplined training and the belief in yourself that you will do it.  It’s all about hard work and overcoming self-doubt. It really has nothing to do with natural born ability (there’s no such thing as being born a runner or a non-runner, or born with a body that can’t be fit). And, there are no excuses (I just had a baby, I’m in my 30’s now, I don’t have time with two kids  and everything else I do in my life).  I’ve learned to stop overthinking why I may not be able to do something and just plunge in and start. If not now, then when? It’s not going to happen itself.

On Sunday I ran part of the oak bay half marathon in a relay team of 3 other lovely friends I have made through BDHQ’s baby bootcamp class. I can’t believe new mommas can run so fast.  We collectively ran 21.1K in 1h45 (that’s a pace of 5 minutes/km) and we were in the top 10 of all relay teams.  I’m so inspired by these girls who don’t let their “mom” label define them.

here we are before the race

still smiling and soaked afterwards

I lost a pound this week but to be very truthful, I had already lost most of this pound and then went on vacation and gained it back.  So...it would be accurate to say I re-lost a pound. I ate well, starting in the mornings (I find if I don’t have a healthy breakfast I am more prone to eating sugar and carbs throughout the day).  I meal planned and grocery shopped only to my meal plan ingredients.  I have never posted photos of my food but thought this week I’d do that since I went back to eating colorful veggies and fruits! 

 

I try to have this every day for breakfast

1 cup frozen berries, half banana, 1 cup fresh spinach, 1 scoop vanilla protein powder or Greek yogurt, 1 tbsp NutraSea lemon flavored fish oil (it tastes pretty darn good), almond milk or milk

ingredients for fennel salad

1 large fennel bulb and 1 red pepper, 1/4 onion, 3 tbsp chopped mint leaves, juice of 1 lemon, salt and pepper

I'm not a fan of selfies but I committed to showing my progress

I decided I’m going to run another half marathon this fall and keep up with my training. I know myself, and if I don’t have another goal to work towards I have a hard time staying motivated and I won’t lose weight.  My goal this week is to sign up for a run club and train with others who can kick my butt a little harder than I can by myself.