today is the first day of the rest of my life

I haven’t written for a long time and I apologize for not keeping up with my weekly blog posts. I wanted to write when I had something positive to say.  For the last 4 months I’ve had a strange rash develop and finally I decided to Google my symptoms because it was spreading and changing my skin.  Surprise! It instilled some serious panic because it looked like cancer. Seriously, it most closely aligned to the symptoms and photos of this form of cancer that I found online and believe me, I spent hours looking at everything. 2 days later my family doctor said cancer was a possibility (but not a probability) when he looked at it, as did two other MDs to whom I sent photos. I know, I know. Going online to self-diagnose is the worst idea ever and I’ve learned my lesson; I’ll go straight to the doctor next time and not wait so long.  My mind went to a really dark place last week. I lost 4 pounds in 3 days—not the healthy way, so there is no boasting about my weight loss progress right now. The kind of cancer that it looked like has a 25% survival rate so naturally I went to the worst case scenario and felt sick with fear. The thought that kept circling in my head was, “Not now. There is so much more I need to do.”  I need to be around for my boys. The little guys need their mom, I need them, and Nick and I are not finished our journey by any means.”  I said to my cousin late last week, “I am so scared,” and she summed it up nicely: “you feel this way because you have a life worth living.”  So true.  I do have a life worth living, and I need to get busy living it.  I think I’m doing a decent job right now, but there is always more I could do.  It’s amazing how motivated I am to start doing things differently after last week. Here are Raeleen’s revised life priorities after her mental breakdown and not-so-near brush with death:

·         Be present all the time with my boys. So often I shut off my hyperactive 3 year old’s incessant chatter and go to my happy place. I haul poor Alex in his carseat for hours on some days getting my errands done. I surf my phone when the kids go to bed instead of having a meaningful conversation with Nick.  I’ve got to invest myself more…as a family we deserve and need that. Liam came running out of the house last week as I was driving to my run clinic session. He said, “Mom, can I have a hug and a kiss? Don’t fall on your run and hurt yourself, ok?”  And then he helped me back the car out of the driveway, motioning and pointing towards the road.  Oh my God, what a sweetheart.  I need to be around for this little guy.

·         Lose the damn weight already! I actually thought to myself this week, “I really don’t want to die overweight.”  Time to ramp it up and drop 2 pounds a week.  For the past 2 months I’ve gained and lost the same 5 pounds; I’m not even going to come up with a reason for why this has happened.  Losing weight isn’t about looking good anymore; it’s about being healthy and feeling amazing that a) I am no longer lugging excess weight in my torso while I run half marathons and after my boys at the park, and b)I set about doing something I didn’t really believe I could do but I did it.

·         Start earnestly researching international work opportunities. It’s been a life goal to work somewhere on a 1 year (or longer) assignment and experience a totally different lifestyle.  Having young kids and a spouse with a good job that’s rooted in Victoria makes this one tough…but still, no excuse. Hawaii, here I come!

·         Let go of every conflict I have with others.  I don’t actually have any ongoing conflict with anyone right now, but there are things from my past relationships and friendships that need to be freed from my mind and heart.  I’m not sure whether I need to have a conversation with anyone or if this is just me letting go of weight inside of me…I will keep you posted. Life is too short for bitterness, resentment, bad relationships.

·         Start helping out in my community.  There are people who could use my help. I did not choose the privileged life I was born into. I was gifted with it. All of us who live in Canada above the poverty line have essentially won life’s lottery. All I have to do is think back to the weeks my MBA classmates and I spent in Brazil, and seeing how people along the Amazon River lived. They didn’t choose that life either. Really, I just have first world problems (check out that hashtag, by the way). I will keep you posted on what this translates into.

So what IS this mysterious disease I have?  Diagnosis today: atypical psoriasis. Doesn’t look like “normal psoriasis,” whatever that means.  Most likely brought on by my body overheating through exercise.  How ironic! The physical activity I love and need to do to maintain a healthy lifestyle is wreaking havoc on my skin and especially ON MY BRAIN!

I should say that cancer is a very sensitive topic for some and not to be treated trivially. I do not mean to offend anyone who has lost someone to cancer or is a cancer survivor.  If anything, I have increased respect after last week for you and what you and your families have been through.  Not many people know that my mom was diagnosed with cancer less than a year ago, and endured surgery, chemotherapy and radiation treatments throughout the fall and winter. During this time her own mother passed away and I had baby Alex. There were a lot of intense, emotional moments for our whole family and a renewed appreciation for the gift of life.  After her last radiation appointment, my mom declared to me, “today is the first day of the rest of my life.” I am blessed to not have to go through everything she did in order to understand what she meant. 

these boys are why I have a life worth living!

I accept that I’m a runner, and any other label I am given

I remember 2 years ago walking into a Lululemon store and looking at their running section. I had just started working out – this was at the beginning of my weight loss journey and joining BDHQ.  I was with another girl who had just started working out at BDHQ too. An employee approached us and asked, “Are you runners?” At the exact same time she replied “yes” and I said “no.”  I remember thinking, “I am not a runner…yet. I admire those that are, but I’ve just started, I still don’t look like someone who does any form of exercise at this point, and I don’t deserve that title.”  I felt like if I said yes to that question I opened myself up to being judged based on my physical appearance. I created in my head an image of someone who was leaner, faster, and more hard core than I was, whatever that means. Today, that just sounds so totally dumb when I write these words.  I think back to 2 years ago and realize it was safer and easier to be self-deprecating and think, “Oh god, I need to be so much thinner before I go about telling people I’m a runner.”  The truth is, I saw myself as this overweight inactive person and equated that with a feeling of inferiority.  It had nothing to do with running but that’s where the conflict with perceived self-image and reality first came up for me.

I forgot about this incident until this week when at baby bootcamp class we had to run a steep hill which is about 5 or 6 blocks long pushing babies in strollers. I finally ran the entire hill pushing Alex; this only took 5 months of classes to get it done!!  As I was relishing my small victory, one of the other girls reached the top of the hill and asked me, “How long have you been a runner?” I looked at her and was about to say, “Oh, I’m not a runner,” but stopped myself. What am I thinking? Hells yeah, I am a runner!  I just ran over 60K last week, including my second half marathon (which, by the way, I completed in 2 hours 7 minutes, which is 2 minutes faster than my first). I have about 4 running injuries including a stress fracture in my foot from pounding pavement.  I even have a hat and socks that I only use for running long distances.  But, you know, it’s not the gear I own, or the distance I travel each week on foot, how many races I enter, or how fast my pace is that puts a tick in the “I’m a bona fide runner” box in my life.  It’s really about my attitude towards myself and whether I allow myself to be ok with how I look.  Never mind if I deserve any kind of title; there is no such thing as “deserve”.  It just is what it is.  I like running, I look the way I look, and if you want to label that or not it doesn’t matter.  I don’t have a problem being called a “professional” at work or a “good mom” at home, so why should I beat myself up over this area of my life?

I know there are a lot of people out there who think running sucks.  My answer is yes, yes it does.  It feels uncomfortable for the first 20 minutes or even the first 5K for everyone. It’s easy to get injured if you don’t stretch or run properly. But I promise you it gets awesome once you push through that.  Out of curiosity I read a Harvard University health article today to see how running shapes up to some other activities I’ve done in the last year. In half an hour, a 150 pound person burns 150 calories doing yoga, 170 walking at a 4 mph pace, 225 swimming, and 370 running at a 6 mph pace. One pound = 3500 calories.  It just makes sense to me that running is the best use of your limited time for exercise in a day and it’s the best form of exercise to drop weight efficiently.

I’ve got my name down for a run clinic starting in a couple weeks, I entered the registration lottery for San Francisco’s Nike Women’s Half Marathon in October, and I have plans to run another half marathon this fall in Victoria.  One of the best things that’s happened to me since I started running long distances was proving to myself that I can do something I never thought I was capable of physically doing. My mindset around running for 2 hours or more and 20K or more at a time is now, “yup, it’s totally doable, and even a little fun.” So onwards and upwards for me and running. 

At the Goddess Run in Victoria, smiling because we just passed the 20K marker

Meeting up with friends after the race. These two sisters are so inspiring...I think this was their 14th half marathon and they  finish 10-30 minutes faster than me! 

My training and race day partner, and fellow momma of a 7 month old. We pushed our babies 14K  on some days to train for this half marathon. Well done my friend!!