Wednesday, 2 December 2015

if today was my last day

This has been a hard month--again.  I feel physically ill when I hear holiday music playing and when I see Christmas decorations being put up.  This is normally my favorite time of year, but for the first time in my life I want to hibernate through it.  Why do I have to single mom it through this season?  It's not fair! I am starting to understand what it feels like to be grieving the loss of something--or someone--through Christmas--and let me assure you, it blows.  I am stressing about clearing mortgage payments over buying gifts, how I have no idea how to haul a tree back to my house or hang Christmas lights, and how I try to preserve the joy of this season for the sake of my kids despite how I am feeling.  I've felt like a total wreck. I give myself little motivational "you can do this" type talks each day (silently, in my head!) before I walk into the office or into my kids' schools or anywhere that it's not socially acceptable to be melting down. 
So...I was having another one of those moments last night and then I started to think about how this feeling really needs to stop. I kept thinking about how 2016 has to go much differently for me. I thought about how it can always be worse, and that my problems are largely of a first world nature.  What if I was dead--then absolutely nothing here matters.  And then I thought about what if this is my last day alive? Would I spend it in a total fog? What would I do differently? 

Here's what I would do if today was my last day:

1. I'd spend time with my children.
I'd busy myself drawing silly pictures, asking stupid requests of Siri on their iPad ("show me a picture of rhinoceros poop" is my oldest's favorite question for 'her'), reading fire truck books, and really listening to what they were saying. I've GOT to be more present when I'm with them; they are my treasure and a total joy. They are a sure thing in a world where nothing seems like a sure thing to me anymore.

2. I would tell a friend how I really feel about him.
Time to practice open communication and not make assumptions. Life is too short to wonder about things that could be answered with one straightforward conversation.

3. I would drink really good coffee.  I know, why didn't I think about good wine? I should clarify--I would probably do both!!
4. I'd go for a run.
I would have NEVER dreamed of saying this 5 years ago. I'd run my favorite 10K route and try to pound it out in 50 minutes.

5. I’d post something about the importance of how we need to spend our time loving, not hating or being indifferent... kind of like a quick and dirty leaving of a legacy. 

6. I’d wear something that made me feel skinny.
Yup, I'm that shallow! But I really don't want to waste energy on my last day not feeling beautiful. 
7. I’d say thank you to my friends and family (and pretty much the universe) for the most wonderful life, because to date it has been amazing to be alive.
And when I got to #7 last night, I realized my mood had actually changed.  What a great exercise to put my brain through! I woke up this morning and decided I would try to do as many of these 7 things as I could.  If you count this post as my way of accomplishing #5 and 7, I'd say 6 out of 7 ain't so bad.  I truly feel better tonight, like I got the important things in life done today.  I'd challenge any of you reading this to do the same--and please tell me how it goes for you!
good night, life is good xo

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